It's another night of watching Heroes and blogging at the same time. Can things get any worse than they were last week? No they can't - because I have reefer, port, and chocolate chip cookies. Also, lesbians!!!

The episode is called "The Art of Deception." I wonder how emo Sylar will be this week? Who will be more emo? Peter or Sylar? Will anybody ever love them? OMG these cookies rule. Also, most importantly, will Sylar be the good angel of lesbianism this week?


It's carnie town with Samuel in a blurry cape! Hot Tattoo says the carnival is closed, mostly because everybody was weirded out about the whole thing where he sucked a town into the Earth for having strawberry milkshakes. Hot Tattoo tells Samuel that nobody respects him - then admits that she's trying to take his place as leader. Not the most brilliant thing to say to a power-hungry psychopath. I'm just saying.

Peter keeps dreaming about Sylar rescuing Rainbow Brite from a tearful cello mutant power experience. And now Peter can't find Emma in the real world. Oh no! Is she about to have a bad cello trip?


Let's get back to Parkman and Sylar's inter-psychic psychodrama. Apparently, according to Sylar, the whole headfuck relationship with Parkman is "very two months ago." Now his relationship with Parkman is a "fact-finding mission." Then he shows up at Parkman's house posing as a friend so that Short Hair doesn't realize they're in danger. And he uses the word "nosh"! Disturbing. OK I don't want to hear Sylar use the word "nosh" ever again.

At last - LESBIANS. There's more angsting with Claire and hot lesbian girlfriend Gretchen. Should Claire tell HRG about how Sylar "piecharted" her last week? Or should she just hold Gretchen's hand but not make out? Yes, there was more lesbian hand-holding without ANY raunch. WTF. This lesbian relationship is the lamest thing ever. Do you think they're saving the big smooch for sweeps week?


Instead of getting nookie, Claire is visiting dad and runs into Lauren, who looks all guilty and weird. Luckily, Claire doesn't give a crap about the Lauren/HRG combo - she's more weirded out by HRG's Wall Of Obsessiveness Over The Carnies.

Claire is annoyed until Lauren shows her video footage of the town that Samuel sucked into the dirt. Instead of saying, "Hey that's really awful," she pouts and leaves abruptly. Huh? Isn't she sort of glad now that Lauren is helping HRG stop this dude?

Don't ask that question because now we're watching Sylar having the world's most awkward dinner with Parkman and Shorthair, who still thinks Sylar is one of Parkman's rehab buddies. Sylar goes on and on about how he was working the program with Parkman, all while never taking off his jacket. It's all too much so Parkman pulls Sylar aside and there's a whole tense, sweaty scene with them in the basement. Sylar continues to sport the cute jacket and asks Parkman to go inside his head again. He wants Parkman to take his powers away. Like a brain castration.


Explainingly, Sylar explains, "I want to change but I'm insane." Basically he's forcing Parkman to do mutant therapy on him. There's a lot of talk about avoiding temptation and mental blocks and then suddenly we're looking at Momzilla. She's talking about Nathan's headstone to Peter, who also has a really awesome jacket with lots of zippers. I think the person who picked jackets for Peter and Sylar is my favorite character in this episode so far.

WTF is Momzilla even talking about? And then Peter with the blah blah blah about how great Nathan was, and that's why Mom should give him Sylar's psychic phone number. So he can KILL Sylar, or maybe reform him or something. Apparently Momzilla has been in touch with Sylar all this time using her mutant power that HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING TELEPATHICALLY CONNECTED TO ANYBODY. Why do everybody's powers change for NO REASON.


Ohferchrissake now we have to see the lesbians who aren't allowed to have sex again. Claire argues with Gretchen about whether she should go stop Samuel on her own or go to class. Gretchen argues for letting HRG handle the carnies while the two of them hold hands in class; Claire stalks out of the room in a snit. She'll rescue the carnies! HRG and Lauren are in hot pursuit! Also, Claire took Gretchen's car?? They haven't even kissed and they're already having lesbian car dominance problems?

Hot Tattoo is in a tense meeting with Claire, who has come to warn her about HRG coming to clean up Carnietown. Unfortunately, the xerox powers guy overheard them, and Samuel is getting all passive-aggressive while wearing a really sharp shirt and vest. Now we have to listen to Samuel reminisce about Joseph and use the word "gravity" in a series of bad metaphors. Apparently he feels really sad about murdering people, so now he's convinced Claire that he's willing to give himself up to HRG.


Is he really giving himself up? I predict tragic deaths ahead.

Damn, a freakin farewell speech from dirtboy. Samuel acts all fake-repentant and turns everybody against "the agent" who has come to get him. Then somebody shoots him! Then shoots everyobdy! Will Claire think that HRG did it and go into snit mode again? It's obviously some kind of setup.


Oh back to that awesome jacket that has Sylar in it. Parkman is giving Sylar the trippy vulcan mind meld to erase his powers and Sylar taunts him about not being penetratey enough with his mind tentacles. More mind-meld camera throbbery. It still isn't working! Sylar is frustrated and puts Shorthair into his telekinetic grip. Parkman always falls for the old girlfriend-torture trick.

"You will purge me of these powers, Parkman!" That is an exact quote from Sylar. A little moment of alliteration!

Parkman just needs to take the mind-melding more slowly I think. Ease his way in. Use lube!


Turns out the crazy shooter at the carnival was xerox multiple guy, who has shot Lauren and smashed HRG's face. Hot Tattoo has been shot and Samuel is totally upset! And Lauren has been shot too. As Hot Tattoo dies, Samuel kisses her and she uses her erotic power to see that he caused the whole shooting episode - he "needed a villain worse than me." Does he really think he's fooling anybody as he laugh-cries over Hot Tattoo's body?

I guess he fooled Claire because she's got that wrinkly forehead "I care" look. Now multi-man is blaming HRG for shooting everybody - and the Puppetmaster starts to torture Claire. Instead of torturing them in the open, though, Samuel orders HRG and Claire to be taken to the inevitable house of mirrors. More house of mirrors? Really?

Parkman is still doing mind-power therapy with Sylar, advising him that "we're people first - we're more than just our abilities." Shorthair secretly tells Parkman to kill Sylar, not fix his broken brain. Here comes Parkman, with mind phaser set to kill! Wow, black and white journey through Sylar's psyche, complete with childhood traumas and his mom being snarky. It's so confusing, and now Parkman is saying that Sylar is "trapped inside himself," and will have to "live every empty day alone." What does this even mean??? He's in a fantasy world?


"Enjoy hell," says Parkman. He's put the catatonic Sylar inside a nook in the basement, and is bricking him in. Jeezus, where did he get all those bricks and mortar? It's an Edgar Allen Poe story and an ad for Home Depot all in one! But don't you know - Peter knocks at the door and interrupts Parkman in flagrente brickto.


Wait now Emma is at the carnival? I thought it was closed? But no - she got a psychic telegram to come sew up Samuel's bullet wound. She's glad to help, but pretty dubious when he starts going on and on about how he'll "show everybody" and crush the world with his dirt powers.

Great - now we have a long scene where Peter is sent into a stupid mindscape by Sylar, which basically looks like midtown Manhattan. Seriously Peter spends like five minutes yelling "hello?" to the empty buildings and appearing and disappearing. Why is this scene even here???

Thankfully we're back watching Samuel lecture his family about guilt and sacrifice. This guy is like a melding of Jewish and Catholic mothers, dressed all steampunk. Could there be a secret connection between Jewish mothers, carnies, and steampunk mutants? Never mind that because it looks like Lauren might be able to sneak into the carnival and shoot Guilt-Inducing Mom/Hitler/Magneto. First she calls Icy Tracy, which HRG told her to do in an emergency. But then the episode ends before we know if Lauren is as doomed on Heroes as she was on Angel. We do know that Edgar is back and helping Samuel again. BORING.


One of my friends - the one who brought the cookies - points out that nobody gets fucked up and nobody has sex on this show. Words of wisdom. Time to drink port and watch Sex Decoy - Love Stings on FOX reality TV.