This is it, the big finale. And if you thought True Blood went bonkers crazy WTF before, well then you've never seen an entire town marry off a God to a cow and a giant meat uterus. Spoilers ahead!
Remember last week when I said that the I liked it best when True Blood went bananas? I may have been a little hasty. Turns out wrapping up this sex party was pretty easy to do, if you do nothing but subject the audience to pure unbridled lunacy. While I'm all for the whole hog True Blood, I think it crossed the rat shit rubicon, a phrase I really didn't think I was ever going to use again, a month ago and this episode was just some really strange, disjointed crap. But thank goodness for teen vampirism, Claudine Clark and another round of Yahtzee. Because the whole thing turned around and revved up for the third season half way through, but not without some pretty huge surprises.
Con: So we're back at the nest and Tara and Eggs acting like a pair of terrible Disney henchmen bumbling about and fawning all over said egg. Then Eggs made this face and I punched the TV....
Con: Where did we get all of these one shoulder bridesmaids dresses? Sure Maryann is wearing the grandmother's dress that was established but where did all of the same dresses come from? Did we teach zombie Eggs how to sew, because that's a cut scene I wouldn't mind viewing.
Pro: Even though they all look absolutely bonkers in the getup, god bless Lafayette playing with his straps in the back. He looks the best in this dress too BTW.
Con: Any one else getting a "we're just making shit up as we go" vibe all of a sudden. When Maryann tells Sookie to hit her with the ET fingers again I felt like I was watching a different show. In fact everything dealing with Maryann from this point on felt off for True Blood. But I did like Maryann yelling at her for not committing to the power fingers.
Pro: "I'm a waitress what the fuck are you?"
Pro: Hell yes to Hoyt's Mom is getting down to my favorite song. I'd like to think that if I turned into a black-eyed zombie I'd most likely end up in the kitchen twisting and singing Claudine Clark's Party Lights while making snickers casseroles. And by most likely I mean it's what I did this past Friday night.
Con: But now back to that infernal sex party, Sookie thinks back on her past specialness like when she almost killed Mr. Rattray. Sure, she may have special power but I thought the editing hinted at someone in the bushes helping not her magical cocoon powers? This is probably my misunderstanding but I was curious to find out who that was.
Con: More explaining that makes no sense from Maryann. So, Sam's the vessel because he showed up in her house naked and a virgin all those years ago? Then why did she sex him up? Why didn't she heart stab him back then instead of getting naked? What does this have to do with Tara summoning her?
Pro: ERW giving vampire Yahtzee another go, and while it started rough, alright really rough (ERW try. harder. please) It got infinitely better as the game went on. Is it because Eric is in it? Perhaps, but ERW felt more realistic this go round. I like that she's letting Eric sell her blood, which makes me wonder if she's doing it to be able to police all of Louisiana by being connected to all the V users, or something of that nature. And I didn't even mind the dry fang humping moaning moment. Could this have been the most amazing character to grace the small screen this season? Yes.
Con: But, that being said, I did not like the cartoon face ERW made on top of Eric.
Pro: Side note hinted at from the Queen, if vampires drink Sookie's light blood they fall in love with her? So maybe Bill's not in love with her, which means we can get feisty I'm-going-to-drink-from-your-upper-leg-areas Bill from the first episode back? Please let it be so. I want sexy mean Bill back - no please. She's already intent on ruining Eric, so let Bill be the bad boy now.
Pro: Jason and Andy packin and rollin'! Let do this.
Con: Nope they are zombies now. That was entirely too quick. Where was the big fight? What a huge build up for nothing. Also it should be noted that Jason and Andy are the out of control characters so it was funny to see them operate in a world where they had self control. Their big Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid moment was cut short, boo.
Pro: Terry telling them they can't see the bride before the wedding.
Pro: Bill wanting to glamor the kids. Ha, you're alright this episode Vampire Bill.
Pro: Sookie asking what was going on with the egg, thank you. What IS going on with the egg?
Con: The answer was basically "nothing we're just licking it." Sigh, so last week's giant cliffhanger was nothing, the nest was nothing, it's all nothing. Just a giant work up to a scene where a bunch of people sit around in the circle and lick it. It is vast nothing, like this entire Maryann plot. And it makes me think, "hmmmm I don't have nearly enough alcohol for this."
Pro/Con: I'm not sure how I felt about the creepy wedding ceremony. I liked that Andy carried the train, and yet I hated how he jumped around like Tara and Eggs did earlier as though he was Gurgi from The Black Cauldron. And yet I did enjoy how idiotic Tara looked standing there with that egg. Still the whole moment where the Sam/Sookie swap took place was awkward and seemed very thrown together last minute.
Pro: Ooooh K so the giant meat statue isn't a cross it's a Bull with giant muscles. Well, when Jason looks at it, that's what he sees, so that's what the meat statue is.
Con: The sacrifice scene, I'm willing to say this may be the first time in True Blood history where I feel like the plot isn't funny or fun crazy, it's just kind of mean crazy. Like "let's see if we can get our actors to actually do this" mean. I railed against ERW last week for half assedly phoning in her Queen. When compared to the rest of the cast who give their all to sell the whole vampire and crazy sex party insanity, ERW's previous lack of sincerity made the whole Queen business seem fake. I think the reverse of this is happening right now. When the scene is so tremendously bad no matter how hard characters' commitment to the insanity it makes the viewer wince and feel uncomfortable. I was exceedingly uncomfortable. Not convincing your parents to give True Blood a try with a seemingly mild episode but forgetting then slowly remembering that what you're watching is the episode with the very loud grave dirt sex moment and thinking of excuses to sneak before said scene, uncomfortable, but close. This was demonstrated by Lafayette climbing on top of the meat womb and yelling "worship him bitches!" Yeah super funny in print but watching my favorite character climb on top of that messy meat heap and yell out was . . . weird. This is my finale? This is my grand moment of True Blood vampire blood sex and magic awesomeness? Worship him bitches? Yeah no thanks.
Con: Maryann's little history lesson. Mind . . . wandering . . . I wonder what that whole Kanye beef was about maybe I'll channel flip super fast....
Con...oh no wait the meat cross is a giant uterus with the sacred Egg inside it, literally.
Pro: Breaking the sacred egg. Good. Good riddance to confusing worthless McGuffin.
Con: Eggs did not stab himself as I predicted.
Pro: The magic light fingers have returned.
Con: So have Maryann's magical powers of claw hands and head mice squeals.
Pro: WHAT THE FUCK DID MY EYES JUST SEE. Maryann sees her cow husband and goes to him, for the sex. Cause sure. She opens up her body and bull gores her in her stomach and Maryann just won't shut up until SURPRISE its Sam, and there is no god, literally. Naked Sam crushes her heart with his fist. Now this is crazy done right. Thank you for that True Blood. This is the kind of crazy I can respect, because at least all the crazy makes a half sense as opposed to some writer thinking it's a good idea to introduce an egg with no real significance other than to have everyone lick it.
Con: Sam being magically healed by Bill's blood was way too easy and fast. That whole thing felt kind of cheap it all happened off stage you can't see if one over crap. He was stabbed in the heart after all, doesn't that mean death?
Pro: Maybe Sam drinking Bill's blood will mean that he'll start having sex dreams about Bill? Which I would like to see.
Con: Bill is all drained and sickly and Sookie turns to him, get rid of the body dead thing! Already with the orders my goodness you were just holding him, not even a little wrist biting to give him a perk up? And get those damn kids off my lawn.
Con: So that's what a Maenad looks like dead. Huh.
Pro: Mean Hoyt is just as interesting and sexy as nice Hoyt. I like where this is going. Tell your momma off Hoyt - now let's go get milk shakes and cry about it.
Pro: Awkward lawn party.
Con: Sam sees a deer and cries because he remembered that other deer he used to have sex with, then he pictured Bill with antlers.
Con: Eggs is smile crying with no real tears. How did he survive this? Eggs you were supposed to die so I wouldn't have moments like this anymore.
Con: Tara apologizes to Sookie. Where was this last episode, you selfish twit? Remember when you bailed on us for the spaz over by the sink?
Con: I highly doubt Sookie would be spending the night in her bed with all that nasty sex juice and meat bed. Just sayin - wash it first.
Pro: Charlaine Harris cameo at the bar, yay! You rule Harris, good to see her getting cred, this is the kind of stuff that belongs in a finale. And I would have to agree with you dear, I did not see the town folk building a giant meat uterus in Sookie's front yard ever happening either. Whew.
Con: Charlaine as much as you fight the Twilight comparisons why would you let them cameo you the same way Stephanie Meyer cameod in Twilght....they are pretty similar.
Pro: Arlene's kids being smarter than her, but Terry being the sweetest of them all.
Pro: Let the spinning begin: it's aliens, no LSD no Ethanol! Maryann Forrester does rhyme with Martian Foreigner so it all makes sense, damn that liberal media and their meddling. Don't let Bon Temps become San Francisco. Nice moment.
Pro: Gigantic pro for serving Mountain Dew in a pitcher. That's how we rolled in my family way back in the day. I don't care if it was a blatant sponsorship ad, I know plenty of people that drink this yellow nectar for every meal. In fact I just ate at a restaurant in Missouri that serves you your drink in a big gulp and it was delicious and I loved every moment of it. Now quick pass me the last chicken nugget.
Pro: "I'd wear him like a scrunchie."
Pro: Second only to the way Andy says, "It's DIET Coke with LIIIIIIIIME."
Pro: Sam calling Andy Bubbah. Did ya catch that?
Pro: Bill sends Sookie a dress with a letter!!!!!!! He writes like he talks!!!!! I Gigantic I's and odd statements. Do you think he writes like this everywhere like household notes. "JESSICUH We are in great need of Draino. I tire of clogged showahs. Can you collect some upon your next visit to the shop? I would also very much like some old spice red stripe if that's not too much to aaaask. Eric is evil. Vampire Bill."
Con: Eggs big reveal in his brain is a bunch of shit we already knew.
Pro: Jessica is back - about time. Save us from this episode Jessica. And how adorable are these two acting together!
Con: Bill hasn't been to a French restaurant in over 70 years, because he's a vampire, in case you forgot.
Con: All this Sam returning home to his family business. Not necessary. I know you have a next season. Just have him say, I'm going to go find my real family, and then he drives off. End Scene. This did not need to be another 15 minutes of nothingness. I care so little about his adopted family issues.
Con: Evil Jessica is back wahoo! This is clearly setup for the next year, and is kind of annoying because it doesn't really say much about their relationship which is all still really new. It's still a great plot twist with a lot of potential. First off Bill and her are finally getting along, so that will all be shot to hell, and what if she bites Hoyt, or fights him, or goes back to him while secretly feeding behind his back because she's addicted to the taste and hates Tru Blood. Five seconds of Jessica time and I'm already infinitely more excited for the next season. More Jessica please.
Pro: Seeing Vampire Bill dancing is like watching a cat walk on its hind legs. I can't rip my eyes away from it but I don't understand it.
Con: The second I heard that Bill had rented the place out and saw Sookie all dressed up with Mom hair I knew he was going to propose, I just knew it in my gut. And I knew Sookie would respond like a brat because that is who she is and she had gone 15 minutes without being horrible. Though I had forgotten the ridiculous Vermont is where the gays, I mean vampires can get married. Tell me again about how this show isn't about gay rights, Ball?
Pro: Still I was all yay yay clappy clappy when Bill pulled out the box, because that too is sadly also in my gut and I melted like butter and wished the make up artist had gone a little easier with the white yet again on Bill cheek bones, even though I was kinda bored with the whole thing.
This is what Yay clappy clappy looks like thanks to the brilliant phnuggle. You are my hero!!!!!!
Pro: Anyone else secretly wish that Sookie called for Eric in the bathroom? That's certainly spice things up a bit, he'd come too.
Pro: The best part of this finale. EGGS IS DEAD. If you dream it, it can happen people.
Pro: Now Jason is all entangled in another wacky death shenanigan, but nobody is going to care, because it's Eggs. It was his time. In memoriam for Eggs, Tara smile cries:
And that's it there ain't no more. Well, actually someone kidnaps Bill with gloves and silver because we need a big fat scary cliff hanger for the next season, but unfortunately for them you and I are not idiots. And we know they aren't going to kill off Bill. So nice try Mr. Ball. We're on to your tricks.
How do I feel about this episode as a whole? While it was pretty poorly stitched together with plenty of hits and misses and no real winning Jason line, it's still True Blood. I'm just going to pretend that the whole first half didn't even happen, because it's just easier that way. It's a shame we didn't get to see the Newlins, Pam or more Eric one last time, but I hope they all stick around for another season. All in all I love this show, with all of my heart. They brought me dirt sex people and flying vampires and teacup humans. I have nothing but love. Yes, of course the final was going to try and take it to the biggest extreme ever and they succeeded with the cow arm gore death. But it kind of floundered throughout the rest of the episode making shit up for no reason. It almost, almost ruined Eggs death for me but when you've wanted something this badly for this long it still feels to watch him face up in a puddle of his own yolk. Ah egg pun.
I wish they would have spent a little more time saying goodbye to this season as opposed to just tying up lose ends and moving ahead with the cliffhangers. But I'll never forget the egg licking no matter how much it didn't work, because they tried to go there and it was, well crazy True Blood. I will miss you and see you next summer. And Ryan Kwanten, you deserve the gold vampire star of the season.