Completely disregarding what happens in the books or spoiler whispers, I've manged to figure out the entire True Blood finale just from gut instinct, pictures, the finale promo . . . and what I want to happen.

Here's the full promo:

So where did we leave off? Oh right Sookie was screaming, Bill's going to sex-kill Maryann, and Sam is taking care of wild children. Might as well start from the assumed beginning.


Bill walks into Sam's bar and tells Sammy boy what's up. You may be able to change into a flying puppy person but I'm a f-ing vampire now get up and help me save my lady, because while I was playing the world's most boring game of vampire yahtzee, she managed to get herself kidnapped, which is usually what happens with her when I'm not around. Here is my, "I'm serious face."

Sam says No Way, but then remembers he's a giant push over so you know he will end up with Bill begrudgingly headed to Maryann's meat house as a swap sacrifice. And from the looks of it, he does, Bill at his back telling Maryann he's got her puppy. Then she makes an approving claw hand.

Meanwhile Eric is getting tuned on...because fangs are vampire *cough cough* well you know.

Eric is feeling frisky because the Queen Vampire of Louisiana is making sexy mouth movements on his face and then, after countless hours of fanged dry humping, they move to New Orleans together, or so say the tabloids. The two of them live happily ever after with messy sex hair feeding off the blood from ladies' upper leg parts, making it look like they are doing something way sexier but in reality they're just drinking blood. So that's nice for them.

Back in Bon Temps, Andy and Jason get ready to fight the crazy Maryann, but not before Jason accidentally shoots a baby bird with his gun and cries about it.

Andy takes Jason aside and reassures them that the bird went to heaven, and they change clothes and suit up for battle. Seriously that whole earlier scene is such a set up. But who cares it's Andy and Jason versus the world with their nifty stocking caps and casts. I love seeing Andy being paired up with Sam and Jason lately, and I'm happy to see it continued on in the finale.

Even if it doesn't go well. Since Jason presumably gets kidnapped and Andy gets rudely pushed to the ground by Maryann's black eyed minions.

All the naked crazy people are now in clothed in bridal white, including Sookie and Terry. After showing off her light finger power, she's most likely Maryann's new sacrifice - hence Sam and Bill teaming up.

Jason and Andy are kidnapped, the minion Maryann and Sookie are all wearing white, ann And Tara is almost showing full frontal but never actually going totally naked. Because while all the other lady characters have gotten naked Tara has managed to eek out just shoulders and silhouettes thus far, which is kind of BS.

But anyways the entire cast is moved to the front lawn of Sookie's house, where Sook tells them all this is so much worse than the time she almost got raped, again, just so you know it's been a hard week on her. Sam and Bill show up with a switcheroo deal for the troublemaking Maryann. And Bill says, "MARYANN I'll SWAP you one cocoon SUUKIE for this HERE-RAH puppy transformer-ah." Maryann takes the deal and throws in something extra, she tells Eggs to take off his shirt and stab himself because we're all tired of his character anyways. So he does...

Let's go ahead and assume that a much more important character other than Eggs also gets severely wounded, like Sam, or even dead because Sookie is really torn up about something in the end... And I can't imagine anyone being upset about a cracked Egg.

Still, I'm not getting the feeling that Sam is dead, especially with these pictures below, but they could be from a flash back so hey what do I know? Maybe Sam gets stabbed and Eggs gets dead, or that's just wishful thinking. Also don't think I've forgotten about my little Jessica! This exceedingly blurry pic leads me to believe that Jessica eats some poor trucker. Remember she was really hungry and all but dumped in the last episode. Time for some splurging I say.

So Jessica gets her fix, and Eggs dies... if we keep saying it maybe it will come true! Some way or another Vampire Bill out-clevers Maryann, because that's what he does, saves Sookie, and it's business as usual in Bon Temps. Charlaine Harris comes in and orders a Tru Blood because she's a vampire doncha know and Sam asks her if he can start wearing shirts less tight on his biceps. She says no.

And Vampire Bill and Sookie throw a big "Eggs Is Dead" party and dance and laugh, have blood sex, and laugh and dance and we all do the same.