This week we learned a lot about vampire anatomy and why breaking up with a vampire is messy thing, unless you can let your 1,000 year-old Dad Vampire handle the situation. It's True Blood time.

This entire episode was packed with strange happenings and uncomfortable situations from Bill walking in on Jessica and Hoyt doin' the yelly hand-over-the-face-deed (kind of rough for the first time right?) to Godric throwing the smack down on the hair-pulling "he's mine, I'm his, we're ours and each others" cat fight. It was like one gigantic awkward vampire prom.

Plus True Blood finally "dealt with the shit" we've been waiting forever to see. Huzzah action, and not just in a ho-hum naked party kind of way. Plus it was all daintily sprinkled with the light handed touch of True Blood nuance, start with the title, "Time Bomb." Why, what ever could that mean? It's my favorite episode of the season thus far.


The Pros And Cons of True Blood

Con: Godric gets another chance to prove he's more than just the other half of those smiley faced frat guy twins hanging outside of Abercrombie and Fitch beckoning tweens inside with their tiny post-pubescent muscles. How did he fall so far in one simple moment? We sang his praises for all things ridiculous and covered in fake dreadlocks, and this is how you repay us? Godric is one low strung frontal pelvic cleavage showing pair of jeans away from being written off forever. I mean if he's the big man in Dallas who is stronger than anyone and can do whatever he wants, why does he need to fit in if that's all beneath him?

Pro: But I like the Godric neck snapping moment. Goobye Sookie's rapist but before he leaves with a crunch the rape artist mutters a knowing "it's me." What, what? Is the Old G in cahoots with the Bible huggers? We may never know, as is the way here on True Blood and any one that threatens Sookie's dirty pillows is killed off. Let's hope Eggs tries to grope her next.

Pro: Sookie's "aaawwwwkwaaard" look when Eric kneels at Godric's Feet.

Pro: Jason's blank expression to Sarah Newlin's failure of an attempt to be intellectually frightening, "There are wolves in our hen house, we must guard our flock." Aw Sarah you know better, he's a moron talk to him in smaller sentences.

Pro: Jason going bat shit about the Fellowship having his sister Sookie, menfolk, take note this is the kind of tough ass stands up for his kin kind of route that doesn't offend. Makes a girl wanna big brother.

Con: Eric on "Maker" Don't use words you don't understand.

Con: Eric on "Love" Don't use words I don't understand.

Ah overwrought banter, thy name is True Blood. Somewhere the fairy of good dialogue has fallen to the ground, gasping for air. Clap, clap people say you believe.

Advertisement

Pro: Eric's human impression, hunched back, geeky smile, bad Southern accent and meek little attitude.

Con: Lorena, you have Crossed the Line, or as she and Bill would say "Crrwaaaaaassed the Liaaaane" leave Barrie alone, he's cute and appears to be smarter than most characters in Dallas.

Pro: Bill walking in on Jessica and Hoyt and all that follows. These two are awk-tastic. Another Pro for Bill actually paying attention to his responsibilities as a maker and telling her to get the heck outta town before taking off to help Sookie.

Pro: Lafayette being all magic mystery woman with his Tarot cards, excellent. I demand that all Zoltar machines be replaced with Lafayettes from here on out.

Con: When Eggs walks in and ruins this moment between Lafayette and Tara, I was ready for more sass. Stop cutting back on the Lafayette give the people what they want. Do you too find yourself rolling your eyes in desperation with this character. Do not want.

Con: More sad face Eggs.

Con: Sam getting a mysterious phone call from his bar and then deciding to head there because... whyu not like someone just tried to cut out his heart? This won't end in tears at all.

Advertisement

Con: Daphne being dead and Sam getting so cleverly manipulated into walking into a trap, how this guy figures out how to get dressed in the morning baffles the mind.

Pro: Maryann cooking Daphne's Heart is the most interesting and frightening thing she has done in weeks. It was fantastically brutal to watch. Blood was pouring out of that thing, it gave me a shudder.

Pro: Eric torture porn moaning time.

Pro: Steve is right about the pieces of silver vampire lore, since Judas betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver it's believed that is why vampires are repelled by the shiny matter. So, you know, OK sure why not, it doesn't really make sense unless you believe that Judas is the Father of all vampires, which doesn't really make sense in the TB-verse.

Pro: Bill getting to yell SOOOOOKIE again and again and again while running about in the Church. Can we have a doll that does this when we punch it in the stomach already.

Pro: The vampire cowboy cavalry is here and it's about damn time we got to see Ed Quinn with some sharp and pointies.

Con: Godric's whole speech. I dunno the calamitous situation needed to be resolved but this "turn the other cheek" attitude really lacks the carnal bloodletting I was hoping for. So, Godric in his pajamas and tribal necklace tattoo pick up Steve with the paint gun forehead and asks the congregation "who is willing to die for this man's madness?" The fine folks of the fellowship look at the floor and give the "did I tivo America's Got Talent?" blank stare back at their fearless leader. Situation resolved, humans are babies. Weeks of tension, almost raping Sookie and Ed Quinn's rants were all just building up to a speech about believing in humanity and ethics, while Steve wailed for his own death. Oh and it turns out Godric is older than Jesus, which mean really super duper old, but they didn't like hang out or anything.

Pro: Jason explains things better than most people on this show, for example on his Fellowship experience, "it's like they sucked out my brain and planted all his own babies in there." I would actually completely understand this if this was told to me. Then Jason tells a witty joke about being in heaven to Steve...you see heaven=sex with his wife zing!

Advertisement

Con: Andy Bellefleur he's so crazy and drunk he says crazy things and runs around in his dirty clothes is getting to be as tired as the sexy parties. Someone needs to believe this drunk now. But I'll never get tired of hearing that the murderer is a "Bull, with claws, in a dress, with claws." Still we don't need to be repeating this plot over and over, we get it drunk, no one believes him, check.

Pro: Maryann interrupting the Tara and Eggs talking session with Hunter's Soufflé. Pro for the blood pouring out of it, the bloody knife pro for the eating, the whole meal is pro, up until...

Con: "I feel like a superhero." Please don't give Eggs any more excuses to act stupid and take off his shirt. You are ruining the Hunter's Soufflé for me, ruining. And oh what a huge surprise, the meal causes them to have sex, again, sigh. I would have preferred it if Tara had just continued to kick Eggs in the nuts.

Con: On me for just now realizing that the Tarot card reading was about a SACRIFICE OF THE HEART and it most likely meant this, oh lord.

Advertisement

Pro: The next party I throw is going to be like Godric's welcome home party where people get in line just to say nice things to me, but like I'm an ancient vampire lord. Also why does he need a party he went willingly?

Pro: Hoyt and Jessica another classic and totally original scene. Loved it, from her asking him "you don't like me anymore" coyly to convince him to get naked in the living room to the discovery that her lady bits have healed after she had sex for the first time in Dallas. That sucks, seriously I weep for her. That being said, Ilove the idea behind the moment, very clever, if not totally disheartening. The poor dear is going to have oh so many issues already, now this?

But let's talk the talk about the situation What does this mean, she's wearing earrings, wouldn't her earlobes have healed? What about vampire, ahem, boy bits. Are all circumcisions undone to male vampires? Just a thought. Or is this another you are the way you were when made forever rule? Either way it doesn't really make the fact that she's going to have to "lose it" every time she wants to have sex any more appealing.

Pro: Anyone else catch Jason trying on Cowboy hats in the back.

Con: Godric letting Hugo go. So he's moved past being the wise old lecturer to the vampire Dad of Dallas.

Advertisement

Con: Eric and Bill fighting and Eric still being in his tank top. Sookie changed, Jason appears to have found another gray t-shirt belonging to a toddler he can squeeze into, even Godric changed, but Eric is busting out the gun show, because *duh* it's sexy!

Pro: Jason and Bill hug it out.

Pro: Lorena's use of Shenanigans.

Pro: Sookie asking Lorena if she has any shame, I usually hate Sookie's pious rants but I had her back on this one. I mean sure it turned into a cat fight and that was predictable, but the words that came out of both women felt like they came from a real place. Lorena is bonkers and shamelessly in love with Bill, it's tragically sad. She had to be humiliated out of leaving. And the sad black blood tears only made it more pathetic and real. My heart broke for her, even though she annoyed me a bit in the earlier episodes, I'm glad they took this relationship to a realistic place.

Advertisement

I told you this whole episode reminded me of a high school prom. Groups of people that normally don't get along or mingle are forced in room together, guys awkwardly hugging one another, bickering over relationships, a Dad chaperone has to step in and break up a bunch of fights and in the end a boy makes a girl in a long pretty red dress cry. I mean not my prom but a prom if you will, ahem, it's not like...SOB.

Con: Godric the Dad Vampire steps in again. "Giiiirls stop this right now or I will turn this nest around so help me Satan."

Pro: Human bomb. Will further the vampire human wars.

Con: Human bomb, depending on who it kills could be a massive let down as we know they're not killing off any of the main players. My money is on the Dad Vampire, who frankly I'm not sure if I like him or not, I thought this week would be a deciding factor but I'm still split. I like that he's stronger than everyone, but doesn't need to prove it, just kind of shuts it down with a look. But he's kind of a downer. I think I'll need more time.

UPDATE: Also I feel like I should mention, which I didn't in the review and now regret, my other reason for disliking Godric, because to me, and this is to me in my own opinion you guys can go on lovin' on him all you want, he just seems like a big future plot point. He's so different, so calm, so "just" that it is just SO obvious to me that they will kill him off (guessing). This is what I think, and it cheapens the idea of how great he is because I know the only real reason we're supposed to like the soul level-headed vampire in the world, is because he's marked for death. That way when Eric or some other vampires go crazy with revenge, we'll all be torn up. Torn because Godric wouldn't want this, torn because we want revenge. I just wish he had a few more flaws....but I'd like to hear what you all think.

Oh and the final Pro, Eric's tank top, it's a racer back....

Photoshoprie by Lauren Davis