The Heroes webseries is back, bringing us incoherent entertainment we never even wanted. The first two episodes of the Puppet-Master-centric "Nowhere Man" have aired already

The series picks up presumably after little Claire gave the creepy and googly-eyed Eric Doyle a new identity, so he could evade capture. That whole moment between the cheerleader and the puppet master was the perfect thank-you for him sex-trapping her birth mom, kidnapping her other mom and then forcing Claire to shoot herself in front of him. But as we've seen before, Claire's an idiot. Plus, of course, who needs common sense getting in the way of a plot?


So Doyle, now known as Jerry or something, decides the best way to prove to Claire that he isn't a monster is to record video letters to the scrunchy-faced teen, over his Real World audition tape — thus PROVING that he's changed. And also leaving a trail of evidence that leads right to his door, but you know: Who needs pesky logic?

We find our second favorite kidnapper and murderer at a cubicle job, and now suddenly he's the guy we're all supposed to be rooting for, because look — he's got short sleeve button-down work suits and rolly eyeball movements. Which automatically spells "underdog." He's got a boss who's a real so-and-so, you know what I mean? Seriously this guy carries around a putter and everything, who does this think he is, some sort of dick-boss stereotype? Look, there he is now again with that putter....Good god, wake me when the Constrictor is back — at least he's got the hugs o' death.

Soooo what happens next? Oh right, whats-his-face, the attempted murderer, is really struggling to avoid making everyone his slave, or "ripping their tongues out of their mouths." So it's a good thing Claire let him off the hook. The boss lady, who he's totally banging, is the only one who's nice to Puppet Man. Which is... convenient.

Here she is. Run away, lady, because this is a man who tries to have sex with women and then watch their daughters shoot themselves, but whom we're rooting for now, because of his unfortunate circumstances and bad outfit.

Puppet guy is in a difficult spot — he needs that jerk boss to write a letter to the police telling them he's okay and they shouldn't arrest his ass for one isolated incident that happened a few weeks back... he explains from a 13-year-old's bedroom.

Annnnnyways, his evil boss cackles when the Puppet Man asks for his letter and informs him unless he finishes these tasks upon his long list of chores (two whole sides, single-spaced) he cannot go to the ball. Sigh. So Puppet Guy vacates the trophy-laden office to go collect....

Fake flowers and towels.

Sadly when the Puppet Man arrives back at the evil boss' lair, he's fighting with his good-natured girlfriend. Which causes Puppet to go bonkers and make the boss smack himself in the face with his own putter. Oh, the irony-ish. What will happen next? Is he dead? Will Puppet win the heart of the flowered sweater lady, will he stop pretending that he doesn't have one of the coolest powers ever, and could have someone grab a ton of money and blindly walk it over to him, drop it in his lap with their eyes closed, and he could be in Mexico with no one the wiser?

But then we wouldn't have these video diaries. Stay tuned for next week.