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The Real-Life Superhero Apartheid Begins Here, Apparently.

Illustration for article titled The Real-Life Superhero Apartheid Begins Here, Apparently.

For some, the emergence of real-life superheroes is proof that human nature isn't inherently selfish, but instead, noble. And for others, it's a sign that they should become supervillains. You people make me proud.


Leave to Garrison Dean to start the trouble:

Who wants to become super villains with me just so we can go mess with these guys? Seriously. I want to hang him from a fire-escape by his wallet chains. I'm all for truth or justice, but I also believe that Spandex should be worn by people with low BMIs.


Of course, it didn't help that so many people agreed with him:

Illogic: "Are you saying we should become personal trainers for wannabe superheroes?
Just send them a link to the nearest parkour group or something. That'd hopefully both get them fit, and make them realize you don't have to wear a costume to be a good and helpful human being. (Not to mention self-pleasuring.)"

Garrison Dean: "Train them!? Fuuuuck that! I want to be the steel nozzle pouring fear into their baggy pants. They want to help society? I want to make them work for it! You can't feed the homeless when I've brainwashed them to become my UNWILLING ARMY OF DOOM!!!"

LittleDragon: "Wait a minute...your brainwashing them into your UNWILLING army? Why not brainwash them into becoming your WILLING army? It works better. Just as soon as they show up here I'll show them the town. There is a reason the Mayor kicked the tv show COPS out of town and told them to never come back."

mudderofcanton: "Until I can think of a better name I will be Kicker of Losers. My weapon of choice steel toed boots! YEAH!!"

JaiMak: "man, I want to go to ohio and kick their ass."

labbla: "I'm visiting Cincinnati this summer. Looks like I better whip up an evil scheme and a super villain costume."

MoraAmphiaraus: "I kind of...want to be a super villain now, and hunt these guys down. in the end it would do some good by keeping kids off the street and out of neighborhoods such as the tenderloin district in san francisco, or downtown oakland where they'd get eaten alive."

LucilleMagumbalee: "So if I just beat the crap outta one of these guys do I earn the rank Super Villian, or will I need to be wearing a costume when I hand out the ass beating?"

Honestly, it's like none of you saw Dr. Horrible or something. Don't take the dark path! It'll lead to Felicia Day getting killed! Again!

(Spoiler warning.)

Of course, others just had a problem with the real-life supervillains that appeared in the video:

OW-Holmes, the housekeeper: "The real problem is his voice. How is he supposed to strike terror into the hearts of men, with such a high voice? And you cant build any kind of mystique walking around during the day. You need to be peering off the sides of rooftops and skulking in alleys. As a sociopath with an unwavering sense of right and wrong, I know how to be a real superhero."

JodaThongnopnua: "He needs to get his Christian Bale 'I've had a cough for a week' voice on."

ChibaCityCowboy: "lol yeah right at the beginning of The Dark Knight Returns , I thought to myself 'So when did Batman start smoking...'"

Plague: "That guy looks more like a villain's cheap sidekick from a Power Ranger's episode than a superhero."

Belabras Saw Three Lights!: "Ignoring the inadvisability of this, why aren't any of these fools wearing even the most basic of body armor? If you are honestly intending to have physical altercations with people who are breaking the law why are you going about it in what looks like a swimsuit, jeans, and a lucha libre mask?"

Jcous: "They really need to step up their costume game. Also, they could stand to work out a bit. Nothing against a little flab on your average person, but these are supposed to be superheroes, right? They need to be able to outrun and out-fight their opponents, in theory, not to mention instill some semblance of fear. I wouldn't be too worried if I saw a somewhat out-of-shape young gentleman in neon yellow, spraypainted (couldn't afford screen printing?) spandex jogging after me with handcuffs. They need a stylist, personal trainer and PR agent. Oh, and Shadowhare has to do something about that voice. Watch Batman begins - learn that Batman growl"


At least some of you got where they were coming from:

thatoneguy42: "You know what i'm gonna say more power to them. Id rather be saved by a regular guy in spandex, who actually has some notion of right and wrong, than by a bunch of corrupt, closed-minded, easily manipulated, angry, racist fat-asses in blue who abuse and batter innocents to make themselves feel special when they can't meet their quotas. i bet you ONE of those superheroes does more good in a day than half of the cops out there. Keep on rocking Shadowhare, fight the good fight."

BCWoods: "You know, as someone who suffers from some pretty strong social phobias, I kind of look up to these guys in a weird way. Don't get me wrong, I totally think they're going to be raped, killed, eaten, and re-raped by the first real deviant they come across... but still I couldn't even put on spandex in my OWN house, let alone walk around in public wearing an outfit that ridiculous. That takes some serious balls."

spacekicker: "I look at it like this. Instead of wearing costumes they could readily be walking around town as emo goth kids, or a random gang of hoodlums. Instead they actually feed the homeless and give everyone a good chuckle, and if they do stand up and help someone from getting beat up or whatever. Shoot, good for them. It may be silly, but it's the good kind of silly"


And that's what we'll put on their gravestones, after Garrison and his Evil League of Evil Evilness has destroyed all the good in the world, just for fun. "They lived for the good kind of silly."

It's a fitting epitaph.


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Anekanta - spoon denier

"EVIL spelled backwards is LIVE, and we all want to do that, right?"