Science fiction has taught us that the government is a perpetual motion machine of evil conspiracies. There are whole departments in Washington dedicated to covering up aliens, brainwashing people, building doomsday machines and exploiting alternate realities. If you think the U.S. government has singled you out for persecution and involved you in a horrendous cover-up, chances are it's true. But just to make sure, here's a handy questionnaire, which you can print out, answer and mail to your Senator.

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Have you ever woken up with no memory of the past 48 hours and a weird lump in your neck?

Circle one: Yes No More than once Not sure

Do you find yourself making gagging noises when you try to say certain words or think of certain images?

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Circle one: Yes No Only occasionally Doesn't everybody?

Do you have a blurry videotape of an IMF conference where the attendees take off their heads?

Circle one: Yes No You can't watch it It's only for a split-second, but if you freeze-frame...

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Did you lose your last job after you overheard your supervisor talking about Project Cydonia?

Circle one: Yes No

Do the numbers on your "tax refund" check spell out the coordinates of a Martian colony site?

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Circle one: Yes No Venusian, not Martian No, they're code for "Bush=symbiont"

Have your friends and family disowned you after you were accused of horrible but unspecified crimes?

Circle one: Yes No All except my mom Yes, until I kidnapped them and reasoned with them

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Does your Geocities page with pictures of Richard Armitage's neck-tentacles keep getting taken down?

Circle one: Yes No Yes, plus my MySpace Yes, and hackers "Jokerized" my only copies

How many of your friends and acquaintances have disappeared and been "scrubbed" from public records?

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Circle one: 1 a couple a dozen or so Everyone I've ever met

Do you find yourself with a compulsion to vote for Alan Keyes for everything — including American Idol?

Circle one: Yes No Not recently Sometimes it's Mitt Romney

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Does the ice-maker on your refrigerator always include a little humanoid with giant eyes inside every cube?

Circle one: Yes No Not every cube

George/Bush alien handshake picture from UFO Watchdog.

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