38 Reasons Why Iron Man is Cooler than Darth Vader

Illustration for article titled 38 Reasons Why Iron Man is Cooler than Darth Vader

Both Tony Stark and Anakin Skywalker took to a suit of armor to live. Both came around to becoming heroes. And both are at the center of a massive franchise. But Darth Vader falls short in almost every other way.


1. It didn't take six movies for Iron Man to kill his evil mentor
2. Iron Man's got way better luck with the ladies
3. Iron Man's armor, you know, does stuff.
4. Black Sabbath
5. Iron Man has never had a kinda-racist CG sidekick
6. Tony Stark eats fast food.
7. Darth Vader has never used a foursome as a cover for heroic derring do.
8. Iron Man has Paul Bettany whispering into his ear. Darth Vader's just got a chorus of dead younglings.
9. Crazy facial hair.
10. Superheroic guinea tee.
11. Tony Stark has a chauffeur. Vader's gotta fly his own TIE fighter.
12. Doesn't breathe funny.
13. Tony's better-looking than Vader, he's a better dresser than Vader, he had more hair, he told funnier jokes, and he could dance the pants off of Vader!
14. Doesn't remind you of barbecue.
15. Tony Stark is not a tool of the government.
16. Tony Stark can build his own armor, thankyouverymuch.
17. Tony's parental issues are paternal. Like a man. He's not a momma's boy.
18. Oh, and Tony is not the result of some bullshit space-bacteria-related immaculate conception.
19. Capes suck.
20. If you push the buttons on Iron Man's suit, you'll probably die. If you push the buttons on Darth Vader's suit, he'll probably die.
21. Tony surrounds himself with assistants like Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlet Johansson. Darth's got Admiral Piett and IG-88.
22. Darth's spaceship has a big barometric-chamber sphere for him to rest in. Tony's private jet has a stripper pole. And strippers.
23. Someday, a woman will be Iron Man's downfall. But it won't be because she's a dutiful wife and expectant mother.
24. "Noooooooooooooo!"
25. Sam Jackson hasn't tried to kill Tony Stark. Yet.
26. Vader's finest forces got their asses kicked by stuffed animals. That always bears repeating.
27. Tony Stark's best friend is a suave black dude. Vader's best friend is a craggly bald dude.
28. Tony's got a number of suits of armor. Vader's only got the one...which, let's be honest, probably smells a bit.
29. When Tony's done with a suit of armor, he shares it with his friends. Rolling with Tony is profitable.
30. Tony can make it rain, bitches.
31. Tony Stark doesn't "swan."
32. When Tony designs an artificial intelligence, it's not annoying as shit. That's right, C-3PO, I'm talking about you.
33. Iron Man can fly. At best, Vader simply falls with style.
34. AC/DC
35. Tony Stark drinks. To excess, sure, but he's a fun drunk.
36. Tony has a thing for redheads. Which is never a bad thing. Darth Vader has a thing for...um...well...genocide?
37. Iron Man's boots shoot nuclear fire. NUCLEAR FIRE!
38. Darth Vader has a pink lightsaber. Oh, he'd have you think it's red. But it's pink.

Thanks to Mike Avila, Adam Freeman, and Meredith Woerner


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Let's not forget. Vader actually sucks at sword fighting.

He's a good pilot. And he's adept at using the force to choke people and whatnot.

But fighting?

We'll forget about Ep. 1 because he was a 9 year old kid.

Ep. 2: Vader murders a bunch of sand people and then get's his arm hacked off by an 80 year old Christopher Lee.

Ep. 3: He sucker punches Mace Windu and then murders a bunch of children. Then he fights Obi Wan in a fair fight and loses both legs among other horrible injuries.

Ep. 4: Vader at the height of his powers fights a now elderly Obi Wan and only defeats him because Obi Wan LETS HIM WIN.

Ep. 5: Vader fights Luke who has not yet completed his Jedi training and who has never fought with a light saber before and it's basically an even match. Vader wins not with the sword but by throwing objects at Luke.

Ep. 6: Vader fights Luke again after Luke is slightly more experienced and promptly loses another arm.

Let's face it. Vader sucks at sword fighting.