Nothing says “Welcome to the White House” quite like freezing to death on a chilled river of blood.
This year, the Trump household toned it down on the branches of a forest hell-scape and they took out the bloody polyp trees. Instead, it’s an oversaturated waltz through a frozen wasteland where all hope dies. But that’s a pretty general problem over there.
The White House shared an official look at First Lady Melania Trump’s latest traipse through this year’s holiday decor. And you may recall, she has a bit of a track record for producing some seriously horror-inspired decor through the hallways of the White House. Why? We may never know. The first year, she turned a hallway into the woods from The Witch. Then, somehow, she managed to outdo herself with a series of red death cones possibly filled with the blood of disobedient Handmaids. We were keen to see if she’d repeat her Lovecraftian fan fiction.
Sadly, Melania Trump did not deliver in 2019. Instead, she made what they’re calling a “Spirit of America” Christmas where, strangely, practically all of the decor is white. The only real pop of color is red—perhaps she has something against blue? (I wonder if her trash heap husband whom she probably doesn’t share a bedroom with had something to do with that).
This whole thing on the surface doesn’t look that bad. But still, I wouldn’t want to be caught in that icy hall of mirrors surrounded by icicle stars that could slice open my flesh, leaving my entrails on the blood-red carpet underneath to be traipsed on by Melania’s perfect stilettos. Then again, I wouldn’t want to be caught dead in the White House anyway. I’ve heard some things have been happening over there.
Also, here’s Melania sprinkling...um, something. Ashes of her enemies, maybe.
But now, it’s that time you’ve all been waiting for. Let’s conjure up some all-new festive comparisons for this new year of horror:
- Elsa’s first trial castle that she quickly abandoned after a couple of soldiers got impaled by some ill-placed icicle stars. Let it go, indeed.
- Melania’s new Fortress of Solitude to give herself an even greater distance from trash heap husband.
- That moment you first get lost in The Fog.
- Insert literally anything the Trump administration has done over the past three years.
- The White Witch’s domain after she succeeded in freezing all of Narnia.
- The scene in Fargo when someone got their body churned up in a wood chipper, the river of blood surrounded by pristine white snow.
- Mister police, you could have saved them. I gave you all the clues.
- A representation of Melania’s “Be Best” campaign. Blank, empty, and pointless.
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