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What Did Five Woody Woodpecker Dolls Do to Upset David Lynch?

Photo by Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP
Photo by Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP

David Lynch is drawn to eccentric, unusual projects—like Showtime’s current return to his iconic Twin Peaks—because he is quite obviously an eccentric, unusual man. A recent interview with The Telegraph kicked off with one of the weirdest Lynch anecdotes we’ve ever heard. And that’s saying a lot.

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Twitter took note:

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The article goes on to characterize the story as the perfect embodiment of the director’s spooky but oddly humorous aesthetic, so unique it can only be called “Lynchian.” That may be so, but (much like every other thing that is “Lynchian”) we have a lot of follow-up questions.

Twitter, again, stepped in with some photo proof of Lynch’s five identical frenemies:

And a quick search turned up this vintage video clip of Lynch, in which he introduces the Woody Woodpeckers (“the boys”) and thanks his fans for supporting his new film, Eraserhead. Oh, and...

The boys wanted me to wish you peace and happiness. These guys aren’t just a bunch of goofballs. They know that there’s plenty of suffering in the world... they spent many years with little iron hooks in their backs up on Sunset Boulevard. But they tell me there’s this all-pervading happiness underneath everything, and the more time I spend with them the more I believe it.

Everything seems so nice and happy on the couch here, with Dave and the boys. Clearly, those “certain traits” that made him change his mind about the dolls had yet to appear at this point.

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So, like, WHAT HAPPENED? If you have a theory or a guess—or if you happen to be David Lynch and can give us the inside scoop, please do share.

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DISCUSSION

It began as they matured, and started to feel the resentment that all twins, triplets, quadruplets, etc. inevitably feel as they develop individuality.

They tired of dressing the same, and insisted on selecting their own wardrobes. They grew competitive – as most siblings do – and their budgetary demands grew beyond the reasonable, as none would accept anything less than what was spent on their rivals.

The worst of the lot was Bob. Feeling slighted, he would wait for the others to be elsewhere, and then sneak to their wardrobes and urinate on their most prized garments. Wholesale war ensued, and Lynch was called on to mediate – something he had no taste for.

Eventually, things grew so strained and unendurable that he simply had them shredded, and stuffed into a bean bag chair. This wound up being left by the curb in the rain, to be sent back to Missoula, Montana.

Years passed. It’s said that from time to time, during the harvest moon, that bean bag chair still appears on Lynch’s front lawn, and a faint chorus of “ha-ha-ha-HA-ha! ha-ha-ha-HA-ha! heheheheheheheh!” rings out across the moors.

This formative experience is what led to Lynch’s fascination with doppelgängers, and why we now have not one, not two, but three Coopers of varying temperaments inhabiting the world of Twin Peaks.

And now you know why Bob is the epitome of the ultimate evil.