Lana and Archer are back together, and it's grossing everyone out (except Malory, who's best kept in the dark ... the only thing everyone agrees on). In this week's episode, "Reignition Sequence," the gang attempts to drive a wedge between spy-dom's most repulsively happy couple. But will they succeed?
We open with a highly suggestive conversation about breakfast burritos between Lana and Archer, held in the office break room, complete with orgasmic moans and capped with a quick exit to "Men's room?" "No, broom closet ... it's dirtier." The camera pans over to reveal Krieger, Ray, Cheryl, Pam, and Cyril sitting around a table in the same room, watching in silent horror. There's a beat, and then Pam can't control her urge to hurl. ("Well, we were all thinkin' it!")
There's tension among the co-workers, particularly Ray and Pam ("You better sit your ass down before I jam an Easy Spirit up it!"), but Cyril is hip to what's really going on: "You're not mad at each other; you're mad at the unspeakably revolting symbiotic mass of bodily fluids that is now Archer and Lana." He's mad, too (and jealous). Everyone is mad! This relationship has gotta be taken down!
The obvious solution, of course, is to tempt Archer's world-renowned wandering eye. But since he's newly devoted to Lana (he even apologizes to her for the earlier "time ... ssssss" he cheated), finding the right bait will be difficult. They need to find a woman who Archer will find irresistible. ("Maybe by making her fog a mirror?" Ray suggests.)
BUT first! Cheryl has another solution, in the episode's most surreal moment, archly suggesting a plot involving "fat, gross baby" AJ that unfolds suspiciously like the Lindbergh kidnapping (depicted via black-and-white flip book). But in this version, the kid survives and "is sent to Bhutan for the next 20 years, where she's raised and trained as an assassin by Ra's al Ghul, before returning to destroy those who once betrayed her." [Pause] "...Us?" "Yes! But it buys us time!"
So yeah. That plan has a few tiny holes, so it's back to operation Archer temptation. But hookers glamorous enough to lure Archer from Lana are five-figures worth of expensive, and he's probably slept with most of NYC's finest already. The only logical thing is to call upon a woman who has a psychological hold over Archer: Katya, who is 100 percent willing to hop on a plane from Russia and do her part (by doing her ex).
The wheels are in motion (anybody's doubts are erased when Lana and Archer are overheard calling each other "Smoochie Poochie" in the office hallway ... gaaaak), and Archer decides to invite Lana over for stir-fry dinner (despite not knowing how to cook, and Woodhouse's extended and mysterious absence). Why stir-fry? Well, it's one of few things Cyril can think to brag to Archer that he and Lana shared during their relationship. Lana can't quite believe Archer is serious, but she's willing to give him a chance, given their rekindled love (though she does call him "Julia Childish").
So! The crew will get Katya to seduce Archer just before Lana arrives, and blammo! Instant breakup! Return to normalcy! Everyone (including Krieger's virtual girlfriend) gathers to watch the drama unfold via security cameras Krieger's placed around Archer's apartment (as he's done in everyone's apartment, he hastily notes, before changing the subject). Their vehicle of choice is a surveillance-equipped ice cream truck, since the Rush van would've been too obvious. Obviously.
But this plan, too, is full of holes, the biggest one being that Archer really is in love with Lana this time. Even Katya's prodigious charms (and the fact that the two still have sparks: "I didn't know you were a fan of crossover mainstream hip-hop!") aren't enough to divert him, and he gives a big speech about how "It's a miracle to be in love with your best friend, and the mother of your child." There's not a dry eye in the ice cream truck, as everyone realizes they've been acting like "great big jerky giant assholes" ... and OH GOD WE NEED TO STOP LANA FROM GOING IN AND GETTING THE WRONG IDEA!
Naturally there's a mad dash up the stairs of Archer's apartment building (he lives in the penthouse, and the elevator's out) to keep Lana from entering before Katya has a chance to exit (and what an exit she makes). Cyril, poor old Cyril, blurts out that he's still in love with Lana, but she doesn't even hesitate and breezes right on into Archer's living room. Fortunately, though the stir-fry is a total bust, and Archer is still clad in nothing but sock garters and "spriefs," it's all clear in "Smoochie Poochie Town." Almost.
Was the, uh, body part Katya left behind enough to accomplish a break-up after all? No doubt we'll find out next week, but until then ... best lines/moments:
- "The solution to every problem isn't throwing frikkin' acid on it!" "... Unless the problem is a solution with an overly alkaline pH balance."
- The Return of Martin Guerre/Sommersby references
- "She's basically Groot!"
Image via The Work Print