Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely

The monsters of Halloween just seem so rote this year. I mean, you can only go through so many All Hallows' Eves with Frankenstein's Monster and the Wolfman phoning in the frights on October 31, glad-handing with trick-or-treaters, drunk off of Universal Studios ducats and stoned out of their gourds on the Mummy's homegrown "Kushite Kush."

Advertisement

Face it, the iconography of Halloween is not open to monstrous outsiders. When's the last time you saw the dreaded giant Japanese boner skeleton (link not safe for work) smiling and waggling on a bag of M&M's? Never, and that's a crime.

Advertisement

What I'm suggesting here, dear readers, is that we as a society make a concerted effort to open the season's Monster Mashes and Dracula Discos (see here) to those underappreciated horrific creatures. And I can think of no abominations less unheralded than those of pioneering 16th century Italian naturalist Ulisse Aldrovandi and his Monstrorum Historia (here's an edition via the University of Oklahoma).

Monstrorum Historia collects Aldrovandi's many descriptions of mythical animals and sets them to illustration. (Along with all the sea serpents and cyclopes, there are also more than a few conjoined animals and drawings of people with conditions like hypertrichosis.)

Using the "monsters" of past editions of Monstrorum Historia for inspiration, let us create a new Halloween canon, free from the tyranny of all those vampires, witches, and slutty Berts. (DISCLAIMER: My Latin begins and ends with "Quid facit?" so know that we just drove on the off-ramp toward Contextcluesylvania!)

Advertisement
Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

1. The Terrible Two-Torsoed Tabby!

Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

2. The Conjoined Kitten of Menace!

Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

3. The Excessively Polite Naked Man Panther!

Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

4. The Biped Bovine!

Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

5. The Gasp-Inducing Fruit Elk!

Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

6. The Ambiguously Flaccid Hound!

Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

7. The Elephant Man Who Judges Your Outfit But Evades Sartorial Criticism By Wearing Nothing!

Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

8. The Busty Dragon-Fox-Bird!

Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

9. The Incredulous Triangle Dog!

Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

10. The Cow That's Always Hugging Itself!

Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

11 & 12. Spider-Dog And His Sidekick, Pig-Boy With Head Wound!

Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

13. Someone's New Heavy Metal Band Logo!

Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

14. Flamingo Haberdasher!

Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

15. The "I Have No Fucking Clue" Beast!

Illustration for article titled 15 Obscure Historical Monsters Who Would Improve Halloween Immensely
Advertisement

BONUS: Deer Heads!

RELATED: The Joys of Struwwelpeter!

[Vintage Printable via Anarchist's Coloring Book]

Advertisement

Share This Story

Get our newsletter