Hang on to your witch tits, the midseason finale (which is totally a thing now) of American Horror Story was insane. So insane. Really really insane. Coven could be the campiest/bloodiest AHS series yet, and it's so good. Spoilers ahead.

First up, apologies this didn't go up last night. Sometimes people fall asleep mainlining Hulu's Bar Rescue and wake up in a pool of their own spit at 4 AM assuming they finished their work. APOLOGIES. But this was such a wildly bloody episode I couldn't ignore it. So let's talk about it now, okay?

First item of American Horror Story business:



The BEST thing about this Coven series is the seemingly endless supply of fabulous black hats. The "new hat scene" was set at the bedside hospital of Patti Lupone's son (the boy with the cleanest asshole in all the land). Nan is listening to the whispers from her comatose boyfriend who then reveals that his crazy-ass mother Lupone killed their father. Because after Aslan broke the stone table in Narnia, the laws were forever shifted and it became a commandment that American Horror Story must and shall always have 8,000 plot lines juggling around in the air.

No real surprise here — Lupone didn't like her murder secrets being spilled so she killed her own son. Let's hope this makes Nan go all firestarter and burn down the bitch's house.

But the crazy didn't stop there. Next up, Myrtle seeks revenge.

Most of this season has been centered around "protecting this coven." I actually think there was an entire episode where Jessica Lange just smoked a cigarette in a fabulous hat and said "protect this coven" over and over and over again. It was great.


And apparently the best possibly way to protect this coven is by murdering most of the bitches in it. This week it was Myrtle's turn. Justifiably pissed off that she was falsely burned at the stake, Myrtle murders the rest of the coven, death by melon ball scooper! First the evil ginger poisons their melon balls, causing the two remaining members of the (I dunno, Witch Club?) to suffer from actors-pretending-to-be-paralyzed-itus. There is absolutely nothing more delightful than watching experienced, well-paid Hollywood actors play the "FREEZE" game on camera. Ridiculous delights.

Myrtle then goes full crazy and melon balls their eyes out, chops them into bits and donates the two random eyes to Cordelia, thus negating the whole "Cordelia is blind" plotline. Which is kind of unfortunate. But in trade we got batshit Myrtle on the loose and I love that. Love it. She's a complete wildcard now, and this should make for some interesting television.

The third plot revolved around the fancy new witch hunter's club that we just found out about right now. You see Cordelia's husband isn't just any crazy witch hunter with a gun, he's part of a special club of witch hunters. Think Wolfram & Hart, only with two prerogatives, killing witches and sharing in a lot of father-son hugs.

Cordelia's husband (Hank) is the son to the leader of the this Delphi Trust group. And like all good TV sons of important figures, he really sucks at living up to his legacy. You see, Hank is a shitty hunter and the boys are always cleaning up his mistakes. His only job was to marry Cordelia and collect intelligence on the girls so the group could later kill them. Seems like a lot of work, but hey, I'm not a professional witch killer.

Obviously his idiotic plan to team up with Voodoo Queen Marie Laveau was not approved by his father. But he managed to fix all of his mistakes by showing up to her shop and KILLING ALL OF HER FRIENDS. It was actually a pretty clever move for the show. It tied up the Hank plot, unified Marie and Fiona, and gave the series a singular big bad to fear.

Sadly this means that Queenie had to go (maybe). She took her life (shooting herself in the head thus shooting Hank in the head) to protect Marie. Which means no more Queenie and Kathy Bates' severed head antics, which was really the best part of this entire episode. Or maybe Queenie is still alive! Who knows, I mean they can just bring her back with mud if they need to anyway.

The "sensitivity training" was so entirely beyond anything I can't even write about it. So I will just leave you with the clip at the top. What is to become of Kathy Bate's head now that her caretaker is gone? Maybe she'll roll in the last minute and save the day, gun in teeth. Who knows? Either way, dear lord.

See you next month!