When we first ran a list of a dozen unmemorable '80s cartoons back in November, we barely scratched the surface of the decade's crappiest animated shows. Here are 12 more that deserve to be re-forgotten immediately after you read this list. And if you claim you liked them, you're either lying to us or to yourself.
1) Goldie Gold and Action Jack
Watch this cartoon intro and just try not to be enraged. Presumably inspired by the romantic adventure-dramas adults were watching at the time, like Scarecrow and Mrs. King, this Ruby-Spears cartoon went way out of its way to be as unprogressive as possible. Super-rich, entitled, teenage blonde girl moonlights as damsel-in-distress for big, tough almost-certainly-too-old-for–her reporter/manly man who constantly belittles her for her age and gender? Gross. Even the early '80s knew better, and the show ended after 13 episodes. Or maybe the '80s didn't know better, and the show just sucked. Either way, thank goodness it died quickly. (1981-82)
Originally a Japanese anime called The Wondrous Koala Blinky, this import was part of a proud tradition of Japanese kids' cartoon that were pretty much insane. A girl gets a mysterious box from her missing grandfather containing a comatose koala, who can only be revived via "noozles," better known as Eskimo kisses. This koala, named Blinky, can transport the girl to Koalawalla, a magical and yet surprisingly racis landt, which means the girl must put on a half-assed koala costume to visit lest she be thrown in koala jail. Anyways, grandfathers are searched for, adventures are had, and a surprising amount of physical affection between sentient koalas and underage girls is tolerated.
3) The Biskitts
Combining the adorableness of miniaturized, bipedal dogs with the high stakes drama of geo-political conflict, The Biskitts was about an island nation of undersized puppies who had somehow been appointed the world's treasure-keepers. Alas, the king of the Biskitts had recently died, leaving them under constant attack by the king's shitty younger brother Max, who was somehow the king of his own nearby nation named "Lower Suburbia." Seeing as Max is clearly next in the line of succession, it would appear the "noble" Biskitts are illegally preventing the rightful monarchy from asserting itself, and can expect to be arrested and sent to the puppy guillotine. Fun fact: one of the Biskitts, a daschund, was named "Scat." (1983-84)
In the incredibly unlikely chance you remember that this cartoon ever existed, let me summarize the plot for you, because there's no way you haven't repressed it. An evil alien wizard named Mondraggor is trying to assemble the pieces of a mysterious artifact called the Pyramid of Power, and the only people standing in the way of the enslavement of the entire universe are a brother and sister duo and three dim-witted talking pandas named — and I am not making this up — Timothy, Algernon, and Chesty. Also, the pandas had apparently been irradiated by the Pyrmaid, which meant they could merge bodies into the powerful and yet terrifying "Poppapanda." Alas, the show ended before this epic, completely insane story could be fully told. Pandamonium is clearly a case of a title being selected before thinking up the actual plot. It's also a case of a shit-ton of drugs being consumed before thinking up the plot, too. (1982-83)
5) Yogi's Treasure Hunt
I feel like people have more nostalgia for Hanna-Barbera cartoons than an actual affection. Sure, Flintstones was great, and Thundarr the Barbarian was surprisingly neat, but 9/10ths of H-B's product was stuff like Yogi the Bear, which was mainly a cartoon about an asshole bear who didn't respect the property rights of other people, particularly in regards to picnic baskets. Anyways, Hanna-Barbera loved Yogi, even if nobody else did, and kept churning out cartoons starring the "smarter than average" bear over the decades, including this one where Top Cat sent him and other H-B characters to basically pretend to be Indiana Jones. Wacky Races it was not. (1985-88)
6) Maxie's World
One of Hasbro's many attempts — and failures — to emulate the success of Mattel's Barbie doll line, Maxie somehow did not impress girls when they went to the toy store. And yet in the cartoon, Maxie was another rich teenaged blonde girl who was also a straight-A student, a cheerleader, a surfer, a mystery solver, the star of her own hit TV show, and basically had never had a single problem or disappointment in her entire goddamned life. Maxie's World premiered on September 14th, 1987, and for some mysterious reason ran all the way to the distant date of October 25th, 1987. At any rate, the show did help Hasbro finally learn not to name characters after popular terms for sanitary napkins. (1987)
7) The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimley
To be fair, I have no idea if this cartoon based on Martin Short's semi-beloved character was as great as, say, The Pee Wee Herman Show (the man-child whose popularity led Grimley's way to Saturday morning TV) or if it was terrible crap. That's mainly because it only lasted 13 episodes, hardly enough to start a cult following, but also because it was based on Short's Saturday Night Live character. Of course, this cartoon aired three full years after Short's single year on SNL, a show kids weren't allowed to stay up and watch anyways. Basically, I have no idea why Hanna-Barbera thought this was a good idea. Still, that's a pretty impressive intro, though. (1988)
8) The Adventures of Raggedy Ann and Andy
I suppose there had to have been a time when a child was actually excited to receive a Raggedy Ann or Andy doll as a present. This was presumably back in 1918, when Raggedy Ann was first released, and the only other alternative for kids to play with were sticks and rocks. By the time Ann and Andy starred in this '80s cartoon, kids had Nintendos and enough taste to recognize that Raggedy Ann dolls were kind of terrifying. The proof is in the show's sparse Wikipedia page, which doesn't even know how many episodes were made, and on YouTube, which had this single, lonesome clip. I think. Maybe it's from some other cartoon. It's goddamned Raggedy Ann, who cares? (1988-90)
9) Lady Lovely Locks and the Pixietails
After the American Greetings Corporation churned out hit properties like Strawberry Shortcake, Care Bears and the Popples, each inspiring both dolls and shows, the company thought they could do no wrong. Hilariously, they were wrong about this. Lady Lovely Locks is about a blonde princess who has some tiny flying animal pals called Pixietails and a prince who was cursed to live as a sheepdog for some reason; they all tried to keep LLL's kingdom safe from the evil, non-blonde, non-Caucasian Lady RavenWaves. It's worth noting that Lady Lovely Locks has a non-flying, non-talking puppy named SilkyPup, who desperately wants to have sex with Prince StrongHeart, so that's pretty fucked up. (1987)
As you can see from its introduction, Trollkins was obviously a cross between the Smurfs and The Dukes of Hazzard, and was clearly pitched as such. It's a ridiculous idea, one with the power to be the best thing ever or the worst. Suffice it to say, if it had been the best, you would remember it.
11) Pink Panther and Sons
In my first list of '80s Cartoons No One Has Nostalgia For, I mentioned Popeye and Son, and the weird habit the '80s animation industry had of taking classic cartoon characters and then foisting little kids characters on them. Pink Panther and Sons was one of these, where his kids Pinky and Panky hung out with a variety pack of different colored panther cubs, getting in trouble and learning about friendship and bullshit like that. Why cartoon companies thought a 1960s character like Pink Panther was somehow popular enough to base a show around in the 1980s, but somehow not popular enough to be that show's star, is baffling to me. Also baffling: Why they chose to give little Panky a constantly saggy diaper. Does that not mean it's so full of baby panther scat that it can no longer properly cover his presumably filth-encrusted buttocks? (1984-85)
12) Street Frogs
On the plus side, Street Frogs was one of the earlier cartoons that tried to appeal to young African-American audiences. On the non-plus side, that attempt was based entirely around an old, white animation studio executive having this idea: "Black kids like hip hop. I wonder what else likes hopping?" (1987-88)