If there is other life in the universe, it could have evolved look like almost anything. And yet, as our movies and TV shows have proven, a disproportionate amount of them end up looking like cocks and balls. Here are a dozen extra-phallic terrestrials science fiction has dropped trou and revealed to us.

1) Xenomorphs, Alien

Let's start with the most famous phallus in science fiction, shall we? H.R. Giger is known for the recurring phallic and vaginal imagery in his work, and the Xenomorph is no exception. From the long, ridged, phallic skull to the smaller, rigid phallus in its mouth with the tiny fanged mouth at the tip, to the spikes covering its body, the creature is basically made entirely of dicks, and all the dicks want to kill you. Having sex with H.R. Giger must have been a very interesting experience.


2) Bith, Star Wars

Best known as the Cantina band from Star Wars: A New Hope, the Bith managed the feat of simultaneously looking like penises and testicles. Their large, bulbous, flesh-colored heads remind one unmistakably of the glans (the tip), including a small ridge down the middle reminiscent of the meatus (i.e., "peehole"). You can consider their black turtlenecks a kind of stylish foreskin, if you want!


3) Knifehead, Pacific Rim

Admittedly a more subtle resemblance than most of the creatures on this list, it takes a minute to see the Jaegar foe codenamed Knifehead as a giant, bipedal cock and balls, but it's there. The extended, bulbous chest is the testicles, and the lengthy, phallic head that rises from it — proud and erect — is the penis, even if it does come to a sharp point at the end. But if you prefer your genitalia aliens to be more obvious…


4) The Ghota, Alien Trespass

Since 2009's Alien Trespass is a loving spoof of B-grade science fiction movies from the 1950s, it's probably safe to assume the filmmakers knew what they were doing when they designed their trespassing alien to be a one-eyed monster named the Ghota. A tall, phallic, purple, one-eyed monster… covered in veins. But whether they meant for the Ghota to look like a penis or not, holy shit did it look like a penis.

5) Coneheads, Saturday Night Live

When compared to most of the aliens on this list, the Coneheads don't look as much like male genitalia as they do like… well, people with fleshy, protrusions on the top of their skulls. But really, the fact that they looked kind of phallic was half of the recurring SNL characters' joke. The NBC censors of the 1970s surely wouldn't allow them to look any more like dicks, but the SNL cast was able to show the aliens touching their cones together to have sex, which is kind of a tip-off (no pun intended).

6) Alpha Centauri, Doctor Who

The Doctor has encountered countless aliens over his lengthy career as a Time Lord, and many of them (as you'll see) bore a certain resemblance to penises. But none of them matched the glans-y grandeur of the Alpha Centauri alien, whose enough, flesh-y, bulbous head could only have looked more like a penis if it ejaculated white goo from a slit on top. The fact that the alien wore a cloak of the same flesh color of its head, and the folds of the fabric looked exactly like veins and ridges — oh, and the head also had clear veins running through it — the Alpha looked like a giant dick from top to bottom. If H.R. Giger had ever seen the Alpha Centauri, he would have thrown away his art supplies, knowing he could never design an alien as penis-y as this one.

7) Sand Worms, Dune

Like any worm, the sandworms of Arrakis are long tubes of flesh. What makes the sandworms so phallic is their tan Caucasian flesh color, the slit-like mouth position directly at the apex of the worm, and the fact they appear to be ribbed for her pleasure. The Fremen of the plant call the sandworms the "old men of the desert" and believe they are the direct representation of their god, so you don't have to be Sigmund Freud to understand what's going on here.


8) Ballchinians, Men In Black

Does what it says on the tin, folks.


9) Vervoids, Doctor Who

If you wanted to think of these artificially created plant aliens from the planet Mogar as basically having heads that were giant vaginas with enormous clitorises in the middle, I won't begrudge it of you. I, however, prefer to think of them as penises nestled snugly inside giant vagina-like collars. Then I'd prefer to stop thinking about them entirely.


10) The Alien from Atomic Submarine

The extra-terrestrial invader of this low-budget 1959 scifi flick is a tall, limbless, one-eyed monster. Given that this is an old — almost quaint at this point — euphemism for a penis, I have no doubt the filmmakers thought they were being really clever and saucy when they put the creature, nicknamed the Cyclops in the film, at the controls of the atomic-submarine-menacing U.F.O. Little did they know how quickly their penis-alien would be trumped, leaving it forgotten, unimpressive, and probably limp.


11) Erato, Doctor Who

An alien ambassador imprisoned by other aliens because of some weird trade issues — you can look it up if you want — the Erato is actually a large, fleshy blob, and when I say fleshy I mean it looks a giant pile of wrinkly skin. It can, however, extend parts of itself, and that's the point where holy hell things start getting penis-y. Look at the above picture and just try not see it as Tom Baker getting menaced by a giant dick. Erato was the titular creature in the serial titled "The Creature in the Pit," where the evil alien lady who imprisoned it kept throwing it people to eat, but the Erato didn't want to, but it ended up crushing them to death anyway. That seems very indicative of something.


12) E.T.

I have discussed this before, but it bears repeating: E.T., the alien star of the beloved Steven Spielberg movie is a sentient nutsack who spends all his time trying to befriend an underage boy. E.T. is a shaved, hairless, giant testicle creature with little arms and legs, whose head extends — erects, really — whenever he gets excited, frequently around that same young boy. E.T IS BALLS, PEOPLE, AND HE WANTS YOUR CHILDREN. OPEN YOUR EYES.


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