Vampire Penis Puppet Torture - In Space!

If you want a horror movie that scares you, go see Paranormal Activity. But if you want to see hot, half-vampire babes in space fighting penis muppets, then you're going to have to watch Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe.

Aired originally on SyFy Channel as Bloodsuckers, this is one of those awesome movies where fight scenes are punctuated by limb-rending and blood spraying worthy of the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.. The scenario is somewhat similar to the one in upcoming flick Daybreakers, where vamps have taken over the world and are farming humans like calves. Except in Vampire Wars, it turns out that vamps have taken over THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.


That's right - everywhere that humans go in space, they find out that vampires have already chomped on everything. And so Earth creates the cunningly-named V-SANs or vampire sanitation teams. These are basically cowboys with giant guns who go around killing vampires. Plus there's a half-vampire who helps them understand the bad guys. Like in this scene, where vampiress lady translates what this penis-muppet vampire thing is saying to them. I guess in their "real" form, vampires look like sand worms. Only with the voice of Animal from The Muppets.

Later the good guys have to fight Michael Ironside, who is hammy and great and wears chainmail that was probably made by somebody in the SCA.


Vampire Wars via IMDB

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Kevin Flynn is it that this can get funded, yet another Serenity movie or Evil Dead 4 STILL awaits backers?