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More often than not, the covers of old-school horror comics were more baffling than scary. Titles like Tales from the Crypt and House of Mystery promised chills but delivered befuddlement. Here are 100+ of the most inexplicable (with captions). [Via Comic Covers]

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First caption — self-explanatory.

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Is this the Chamber of Death or the Honeymoon of Horror? OR IS IT BOTH???

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Editor 1: What's scarier, a giant scorpion or a talking scorpion?
Editor 2: A giant, TALKING scorpion, duh.
Editor 1: You're a genius, Marv.

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That is some uncreative copy-editing.

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Dude, how did you get her in the room in the first place? You met her at some Eyes Wide Shut party, didntcha?

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Incidentally, the currency of our entire solar system is the Danish krone.

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Generic Kid Adventures No. 18: "The Case of the Old Man"

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Frankly, I'd buy this for "The Language-Master from Space."

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"AND IT FEELS FUCKING AWESOME."

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So if those guys are Earthmen, does that mean Nixon's the alien?

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This is again the case of the sidebar comics outstripping the cover. I so want to read "PLANET NOBODY WANTED."

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I'd be pissed at the aliens for trying to devalue the luxury goods market.

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Self-explanatory.

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Stephen King's original draft for Misery had some strange plot twists

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I like how no one's bothering to elaborate on John's fate. For all we know, it could be his fate to have a salad for lunch.

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After that fateful Christmas, Daddy Warbucks sent Annie back to the orphanage.

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Sorry horror writers — zombie matador has already been done.

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Damn, that dinosaur's drunk.

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In his early years, Alex Trebek was really an insensitive prick.

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Self-explanatory.

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I'm sorry, Tim Boo Baa. You showed up to Earth wearing bike shorts. You can't expect people to take you seriously.

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This woman failed 6th grade health class.

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Self-explanatory.

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Frankly, I'm more interested in "The Puppets of Pierre Garou."

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In the 1950s, "miracle" was a colloquialism for "shark." That's why they named that movie Jaws.

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Once you're out of the closet, YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK IN.

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Self-explanatory.

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Another alien abduction abetted by a drunk Hollywood director. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS CEASE.

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Boy Scout Motto: Always sleep with a gun in your hand.

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Sadly, people don't turn into pearls when you put them in giant oysters.

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HEY EDITOR THANKS FOR SPOILERS.

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Self-explanatory.

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It was a good day for Quentin and his vow of cowardice.

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A: THERE'S A GODDAMN MONSTER IN IT.

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Slowly but surely, Quentin's pioneering cowardice came into vogue and was assumed by even the most valiant of men.

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It was really considerate of the publisher to remind you twice that you are reading a comic about the Molten Man-Thing and not, oh, the Bible.

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Dude, is that your seeing-eye pick axe?

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Even in a crisis, it's really fun to say "Sporr."

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Hey man, you never heard of Gor-Kill before today either. Stop pretending like you were ahead of the curve.

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"Baby, I just came out here to read you bad poetry and show you my dildo collection. But intimacy? OH NO, THIS ISN'T WHAT I BARGAINED FOR!"

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"THIS IS KLAGG! HE'S HERE TO FUCK!"

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You know I always thought we were living in post-Oog era already, but what do I know.

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This is why you never, ever ask throwaway questions.

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Self-explanatory (well, not really).

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We're leaving the fate of our planet to a guy who wears a porkpie hat with a sports coat? We're boned.

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This issue of Tales of Suspense is brought to you by the letter H.

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Man, they really ran out of things to tack the suffix "Of Death" onto.

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Self-explanatory.

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The Cryptkeeper had a senior moment this morning and forgot his dentures.

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Thanks, grammar. I now have no idea what the fuck is going on here.

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Worst bachelor party ever.

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The Plague of Death is 75% gumdrops.

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AND HE WAS A PERFECT GENTLEMAN.

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Redundancy Man runs away from yet another confrontation.

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A comic about Droom the Dead Lizard wouldn't be very exciting.

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I like how this city has a strong oral tradition of Titanto-themed jokes.

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Who warned you? That guy sleeping in the liquor store parking lot? I'm sorry, but your incredulity was heretofore perfectly acceptable.

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Man, that Blip has really fallen off the radar.

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Man, X and Droom need new publicists.

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AND HE'S HIGH AS BALLS!

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She sees the gloves just fine. She's just ashamed of her husband's stupid phobias.

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They went to college with the monster. They're just triskaidekaphobics.

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Apache Chief is PISSED.

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Even Rod Serling can't believe this shit.

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A giant screaming face certainly qualifies as a curio.

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Self-explanatory.

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IT'S NOT CALLED A "NAPYARD," YOU FOOLS.

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Self-explanatory.

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MMF4A — Casual Encounters.

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I'm sorry, "cranky old coot hates noise" is barely a Twilight Zone plot.

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Laser Baboon is relentless.

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Dude, I wouldn't talk either if I was being hunted by giant sperm.

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I think SyFy has their next Saturday movie monster right here.

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What I love here is that everyone is pissed at him for ruining the movie.

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"DUDE YOU CAN HAVE HER! WE'RE NOT EVEN THE SAME SPECIES!"

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Rod Serling approves of this one.

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This guy is upset about the cards, but not the fact that he's playing poker with a vampire?

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Guy, she loves you for your personality. She's not a two-face fetishist whatsoever. No sir.

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A: "A PARTY GUY."

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That is way too much exposition for an impending demise.

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It's a common problem.

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Racism.

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"Ha ha, it was my idea to store a block of ice in a 68 degree room!"

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Self-explanatory.

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He died alone with a low self-esteem. The end.

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Zombie double take!

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The Little Rascals and the case of the undiagnosed neighborhood syphilitic.

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Buddy, you really have no internal monologue, do you?

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Well, that's ham-fisted metaphor.

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Man, people really stick to the "no eye contact" credo on some buses.

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Operas in North Korea throw a nuclear bomb in the culture gap.

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Take away the speech bubble and you have the most boring Tales from the Crypt ever.

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Gepetto tried PCP. Give him a break.

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Haunted Scrabble? How deliciously absurd!

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I'm more impressed that that mountain's made out of cotton candy.

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Self-explanatory.

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VIRGINITY.

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Vincent Price had some weird hobbies.

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Self-explanatory

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"The time is now rat poison past gun o'clock."

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Self-explanatory.

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"I've actually had this tattoo for weeks. You guys were too self-centered to notice."

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"I call this, 'The Look of Love.' "

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Off-panel, there's an audience full of confused children.

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Phew! And that's self-explanatory.

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