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10 Weird Greeting Cards We'll Need in the Future

Illustration for article titled 10 Weird Greeting Cards Well Need in the Future

As time marches on, a lot of things about society change — but not the need to smooth social interaction with bland, valueless pleasantries. Hence the greeting card industry, which has thrived by printing bland sentiments on folded cardboard, decorated with pictures of kittens hugging. As we go forward into the future, society will need these pleasantries more and more, as the world gets weirder and weirder.


Here are the top 10 greeting cards you'll send or receive in the future.

10. World's Best Alien Overlord!

And, please be assured, we mean that in a very literal sense. Oh, Blorg, when we saw the Moon annihilated to make way for your orbiting battle ship, we didn't know what a gem we had! Now our oceans and lakes are shrunk down to a manageable size, the air is thick with what we can only assume is aromatherapy, and our exciting careers as carbon miners have eliminated the obesity epidemic that everyone was in a tizzy about just a few short years ago! We can't picture the world without you! Literally! Those mind-control shock collars pack a wallop!


9. Cheer Up. You're Not the First One to be Hoodwinked by the Force.

Into every guard's career, a few Jedi must fall. We know that you're feeling a little low, what with missing out on capturing those droids and that tow-headed, pop-eyed Skywalker kid, but you have to know that plenty of people have been where you are. Keep that suit shiny white. Keep an eye out for suspicious smugglers. And never forget that you still have all your friends around you. And if you didn't, all it would take is one Jedi to convince you that you did, right? . . . . Too soon?

8. Thanks for Getting Us Out of That Black Hole!

They say that nothing escapes a black hole, but you've proven that there is at least one exception; gratitude! There's nothing like an event horizon to let people know who their friends are, and we're so glad that we have a true friend in you. We don't know exactly how you managed to get us out, but knowing that we have a friend more reliable than the laws of physics will always give us a warm feeling inside. If you need a drink, we'll buy it for you. If you need to move, we'll be happy to set our anti-gravity rays on maximum and float your stuff to the next star port. And if you need to get out of a black hole . . . you can probably manage it yourself.

Illustration for article titled 10 Weird Greeting Cards Well Need in the Future

7. Deepest Apologies for Unleashing the Plague

If I had it to do again, I would have worn gloves when I dissected the weird chimp-like skull that came buried in the middle of the asteroid. At the very least, I wouldn't have tried to smuggle it back to my house to perform further tests — even if my Tivo was acting up and I wanted to catch the Real Housewives of Enceladus. As you struggle to barricade the door against the incoming horde of rampaging rage-mutants, please take a moment to process my sincere regrets. And if you have another moment after that, could you just get a quick skin sample and pop it in the stamped, self-addressed envelope? It would be much appreciated.


6. This Card is to Respectfully Acknowledge Your Day

Look. We don't know what you celebrate. We're not sure it's today. Nor are we entirely certain whether you're supposed to be happy, sad, or just reflective on this holi(?)day. If you tell us, rest assured, we will forget. Whatever day it is, and whatever you do on it, here's a quick letter about what we've been doing for the past year, and a picture of us wearing matching sweaters. Read it and proceed with your business.

Illustration for article titled 10 Weird Greeting Cards Well Need in the Future

5. So You're Now a Brain in a Jar

Some people say that life begins at forty. Others say that life begins when the kids move out. We say that life begins at complete organ failure. We welcome you into this new and happy phase in your life, and we invite you to take advantages of all aspects of your new existence. Forget all your previous cares and responsibilities. Forget compulsive body image issues — no one is measuring the size of your lobes. And if the gentle warmth of the nutrient rich bath makes you feel like you have to go to the bathroom, let her rip! You no longer have a bladder, so it can't possibly do any damage. Welcome to your new life!


4. This Greeting Card Was Made From the Last Tree on Earth

Do I love you or what?

3. Congratulations on the Birth of Yourself!

We were so pleased to learn of your blessed event! Of course, we'd always assumed that you had been born sometime, but there's really no way of knowing these days. Seeing the recording you made of the blessed event filled us with joy, inspiration, and more knowledge about the outdated medical techniques than we needed. It's so wonderful seeing a new life enter the world, especially knowing exactly how its potential was fulfilled. And if that genetic testing does show that you are the father? We don't judge. We would, however, appreciate it if you could recommend a book that might explain the biophysics involved.

Illustration for article titled 10 Weird Greeting Cards Well Need in the Future

2. Condolences on the Violent Death of Your Cloning Experiment

It's always a sad thing when a crime against nature turns homicidal before its time. We know that you're probably still icing your shoulder - swinging an ax hard enough to split open a carapace is hard work - but we'd like to take a brief moment to express our condolences. Who knew that mixing the brains of a human and the strength of a gorilla with a parasitic wasp's ability to control the nervous systems of others could have such dire consequences? In your time of bereavement and heavy quarantine, we'd like you to know that we're thinking of you, and that we appreciate the skillful way you set fire to both houses of the legislative branch, so that the mind-controlled, larvae-ridden senators couldn't vote to nuke Ohio. That was good thinking. We hope you find some comfort in this. Do drop us a postcard from the Hague.


1. Belated Best Wishes for Your Personal Singularity!

We'd say the first card got lost in the mail system, but we think you'd see through that, now, wouldn't you? We're sure that your new, enhanced intelligence allows you to understand and empathize with the hassles of life for those of us who can't do Sudoku blindfolded (or whatever it is you can do now). However, don't let the tardiness of this card make you think we are using all of our fragile bodies and puny, human brains to wish you the best. May your elevation to a higher plane of intelligence be free from embarrassment as to your past music choices. May your new found wisdom allow you to do more than simply wax philosophical when hot college kids come by. And if, by any chance, you've turned evil, and if our belated congratulations have offended you, may our deaths be swift, painless, and free from spider bites! Yes, even electronic spider bites. We wish you all the luck in the world; this one or any others that you may discover. And if you do come to discover alien worlds beyond our own, let them know that Blorg is a jerk, okay?


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