In this week’s “Postal Apocalypse,” you guys ask the tough questions about Game of Thrones, Avengers and cybernetic hand replacements, and I give you the hard answers, mostly because giving you soft answers sounds even dirtier. The mailbag is running low, so please don’t forget to send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org!
Say it is five minutes into the future or something. The internet has finally done what it has promised for years and the nerds and geeks go to war against each other. Full on armed conflict both online and in the real world.
Who would win? When the battle is over, who would be the first to make snarky comments on each battle? What countries will side with each part of the conflict? More importantly, which side will the fast food, entertainment, and liquid refreshment corporations choose?
Well, first we’re going to have to agree on what “nerds” and “geeks” actually are. I personally believe nerds are people who are obsessed with anything, be it math, science, Star Wars or He-Man, while geeks are those who have no basic social skills in a benign but massively uncomfortable way.
Of course, the general consensus is that nerds are obsessed with things that are real, like math and science, while geeks are obsessed with scifi, fantasy, and other pop culture. I firmly believe PepsiCo — as well as their partners at Yum Corporation, including KFC, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut — will side with the geeks, although I may be basing this entirely on the Pepsi/Yum Phantom Menace marketing, and assuming the companies are still geek-friendly. This means Coca-cola and McDonalds will choose the nerds by default.
As for the war, the Geeks will have the numbers, but the Nerds will have the technological advantage. The Geeks will overrun many Nerd bases, but Nerd scientists will leave traps behind, such as biological weapons and psychological warfare (like an 1979 Boba Fett MOC figure, partially opened). Troops on both sides will be decimated. Eventually, there will be just a scattering of survivors on both sides, fighting each other because that’s all they know how to do.
Which is, of course, when the Jocks will step in and steal everybody’s lunch money.
If Thanos is going to be the main bad guy in Avengers 2, who’s going to be the villain in Avengers 3? And 4? And 5?
Well, head honcho of all Marvel movies Kevin Feige has said the Marvel Cinematic Universe Phase 2 is about “space,” while Phase 3 will be about “magic,” presumably with Dr. Strange finally making his appearance. While Dr. Doom would probably be the perfect villain for Avengers 3, his rights are still tied up (for now) with the Fantastic Four franchise, obviously. If Marvel adds Dr. Strange to the mix, I can easily see either Dormammu or Mephisto — basically, one of Marvel’s many Satans — being the villain of both the Dr. Strange movie and then Avengers 3, much like Loki was in Thor and Avengers.
We have no clue who Avengers 4 and 5 might star, but if I were a betting man — and I’m not, except in terms of grandiose thoughts about the future I post on the internet with no financial consequence — but I’d say Ultron and Kang are pretty good bets. Kang especially, since the time travel thing could be suitably epic after Thanos and Dormammu/Mephisto, if done right.
Reboots Are Made for Walkin’
I agree that no one should remake Big Trouble in Little China; it’s just too perfect, and I’d hate to see a soulless remake by the Resident Evil guy or the Underworld guy. Whatever movies should be left alone? I vote The Princess Bride.
My theory of remakes is that unless you’re 1) going to try and make it better than the original or 2) going to try and do something new, you shouldn’t bother. Most remakes only rehash the main bits of the originals, and then hope you’ll see the movie because you like the first one. It doesn’t matter if you like the new one, it only matters if you buy a ticket.
So yes, I don’t think Big Trouble in Little China can be improved upon. I know you could have better, gorier effects than the original Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness, but you’re not going to beat Bruce Campbell as Ash, so don’t bother. Blade Runner, Young Frankenstein, Road House — you are not going to improve upon these movies, so don’t even try (I’m serious about Road House; that movie is perfect).
Weirdly, I think there is a way you could remake The Princess Bride and not have it be a disaster. Sure, you’re never going to match the chemistry of the original actors (or find another André the Giant, period) but there was actually a lot of the book the movie left out. It would likely be a disaster, but I’d at least be willing to let someone try to make a 2-hout+ Princess Bride.
You lose your arm in a freak work accident, and you have enough savings to buy one cybernetic arm attachment — laser gun, claw, chainsaw, grappling hook, sword, whatever. WHAT DO YOU GET?!
Um… a cybernetic hand? My friends and I actually had this conversation during a Cyberpunk RPG session back in the ‘90s; while it sounds cool to be able to have a flame thrower at the end of your arm, or maybe some kind of hacker device, it’s still somewhat more practical to have an actual hand. Why? Because then you can hold a laser gun, a claw, a chainsaw, a grappling hook, a sword, a flamethrower, a hacker device, etc. It’s like having the ability to use all these items at once! Also, you don’t have to pay someone to cut your goddamned hand off.
Watch the Throne
I don’t know how to put this in a spoiler-free context, so you can edit this however you want. But since a lot of people freaked out when Ned Stark was beheaded in the first season of Game of Thrones, what you think will happen when we get to [REDACTED] in season 3?
Note: I rewrote this letter quite a bit in order to keep it as vague as possible. That said, even discussing this in super-general terms is kind of spoiler-y, so anyone who doesn’t know what happens in Game of Thrones book 3/season 3 might want to stop reading. And please, if you’re going to discuss this in the comments, put a big SPOILER WARNING at the top of your comments!
I think people are going to freak the fuck out, and I, personally, cannot wait. I was genuinely surprised at the amount of shock and consternation in the general TV populace when Ned died; I really thought enough people would have known about the books and had it spoiled for them. But apparently not!
It seems that most Game of Thrones readers aren’t spoiling these moments, probably because these surprises are one of the series’ greatest qualities. Sure, telling someone the twist at the end of the movie sucks, but if you give away major GoT developments you’re actually robbing someone of a pretty unique entertainment experience. And thus, most GoT fans are just sitting back and waiting to watch everybody lose their minds.
And they will. I remember when I got to that part of the book and was just dumbfounded. I couldn’t read again for days. I assume TV viewers will be even more baffled and angry. I’d almost worry that it might hurt the ratings — that people might quit the show in anger — but between the overall story and the quality of the show, I think most mainstream viewers will end up like the readers and will be dying to see what happens next.
Honestly, I might be even more excited to see what people think when the epilogue of book 3 finally gets televised. That, my friends, is going to fuck. people. up.
Do you have questions about anything scifi, fantasy, superhero, or nerd-related? Email email@example.com! No question too difficult, no question too dumb!