Oh, it's a doozy of a "Postal Apocalypse" this week! We've got the X-Men hurting themselves! Where the hell Sailor Moon went! Only one zombie question! And, because you demanded it — for some reason — I am going to exclusively reveal what each member of the Justice League is packing in their tights!
Something has always bothered me about Wolverine. No, not the fact that his hair defies physics. It always seemed like if he accidentally unsheathed his claws at the wrong time, like with his hands bent backwards, that instead of coming out of the normal spot, they would go painfully through his palms. Not such a big deal with Wolvie's healing factor, but that got me thinking. What other superheroes (or villains) could give themselves some horrific self-inflected wounds. If cyclops blasted the wrong mirror would it reflect back at him and fuck him up? Could storm accidentally strike herself with lightning if she wasn't paying attention? What could these people do to themselves in the wrong situation?
Let’s start with Wolverine’s claws, which is a pretty old question. They happen to be housed entirely in his forearms when retracted, because otherwise Wolverine wouldn’t be able to bend his wrists, which is something he clearly does. This means (or at least should) that Logan has to get his hands in the right posting for the blades to travel through his forearms, over his hands, and out their little silicone sheaths, or else they would indeed pop out straight through his palm or out the top of his wrists, although if this has clearly happened in Marvel history I don’t remember it (there is one comic that said Wolverine’s claws are actually liquid that solidifies as they come out, which is dumb even for comics).
But there might be an alternative. Maybe Wolverine’s snikt muscles — the muscles that control the claws popping out — will only free the claws when his wrists are in position, to avoid just that sort of problem. Kind of like an old door lock — the bar won’t slide until you twist it, and onlythen you can lock the door. Given that Wolverine’s claws still tear through his flesh every single time he pops them, it seems like his body is quite willing for his healing powers to do all the heavy lifting in that regard, but it’s a thought.
As for the others, I’d say it depends on each heroes’ power. A mirror would be an external item, and Cyclops’ blast is a straight-up concussive force, so he could probably blow off his whole head accidentally while shaving. Storm… she can direct the lightning, so I feel like there’s some little portion of her power — an involuntary one, one that she doesn’t even need to think about — that prevents her from shooting herself with lightning, unless she really concentrated on doing it for some reason. On the flip side, Scarlet Witch’s hex powers are constantly fucking with her, like the time they told her she had two babies with a robot.
Here’s my question — could telepaths like Professor X, Jean Grey and Emma Frost psychically control themselves? Could they erase bits of their own memories? And if they psychically control themselves, is that actually really any different from just being in regular control of themselves? Hmm.
What’s the worst TV show cancellation of all time? If you’re going to say Firefly, then make it besides Firefly.
Well then. Let me nominate The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., starring Bruce Campbell. A Western with bizarre scifi and steampunk elements, Brisco was exciting, funny, massively entertaining, and had almost as much potential to stay awesome as Firefly had. Plus, it had Bruce Campbell and his chin, both at the height of their powers! Extra plus, no Joss Whedon to cruelly murder our favorite characters! The world would be a much better place if we’d gotten six seasons and a movie of Brisco County.
Pushing Daisies is a close second, although it's very tangentially scifi (the main character basically has a very strange, unexplained superpower), followed by Futurama, which, even though it came back, has never quite returned to the heights of genius it reached in seasons 3 and 4.
(For the record, the series that I am currently most bummed about being canceled at the moment is the completely non-scifi/fantasy sitcom Happy Endings. If any of you readers happen to work for a major TV network, it would be super-cool if you’d pick the show up and make 1-8 more seasons. I’d owe you one.)
Mr. Gordon Krantz
Restored United States of America
I am writing to you from my secure bunker concerning the alarming rise in the numbers of vultures I see from my observation porthole.
Following the zombie apocalypse, my friends and I repaired to our fully stocked shelter; a facility complete with hydroponic growing stations, space for small livestock, solar power for the appliances and about 5,000 DVDs. Given the relative comfort and free time available to me, I have been making a study of the impact of zombies on the local ecology.
Because of the abundant food source, the local vulture population has exploded in the last year. Some days they blacken the skies with their numbers.
My question to you is this: will the vulture, as the natural predator of the zombie, be our savior in devouring the undead menace or are the numbers of zombies too great?
Thank you for your time,
Secure Bunker, code name Elysian Fields
Well, given that there are 23 vulture species, 14 of which are endangered, and over seven billion humans on the world, I’d say the vultures are badly, badly outnumbered. Most New World Vultures don’t go to the top half of the U.S. except in summer, so that’s not great, and most Old World Vultures don’t visit the top half of Europe and Asia at all. Hell, Australia doesn’t even have any vultures.
You’d be much better off putting your money on flies and the resulting maggots, which will speed up the decay of the zombies until they’re nothing more than surly piles of rotted meat and bones. This doesn’t get shown much in Big Zombie Media, mostly because it’s the grossest fucking thing ever.
Dark of the Moon
What the hell is up with the new Sailor Moon anime? I need to know!
I wish I could tell you. Last year they announced it was coming out this year; the last word anybody has said abou it was from the head honcho at Kodansha, the Japanese publishing giant that calls all the shots for the franchise, who said it had been delayed to winter of 2014 or possibly even 2015. I hate to tell you, but that’s not a good sign — the 20th anniversary has passed, and when monoliths like Kodansha can’t get their ducks in a row for one of their most profitable series, then there’s something seriously fucked up somewhere. Not as fucked up as the 14-year-old Sailor Moon having a romantic relationship with the 18-year-old Tuxedo Mask, but still pretty fucked up.
Maybe they’re busy trying to figure out how to retell the story without Sailor Pluto (for obvious reasons).
Who did a better job of taking over an important superhero mantel in the future, Batman Beyond or Spider-Man 2099?
That’s kind of a loaded question. If you want to ask who did the most good, I’d say Batman Beyond, if only because he had 52 episodes to Spider-Man 2099’s 46 comic issues, many of which he spent working at Alchemex. If you’re asking which hero epitomizes their originals better… well, Teryy McGinnis fought a shit-ton of crime as Batman Beyond, but I don’t think he ever instilled any fear, while Spider-Man 2099 probably hued pretty close to Spidey’s help people/fight bad guys/save the innocent mantra. If you’re asking which was the better series overall, entertainment-wise, Batman Beyond by a country mile.
Blunder and Lightning
I have a post apocalyptic question concerning Revolution. Actually questions. One: Why do the nanobots, or whatever the hell they named the nano things, not absorb lightning? Two: is it just me, or are the "steam powered" cars of the south really crappy cop outs? I know that there were steam powered cars, thanks to Jay Leno, but as a return to normalcy? I could totally get a bus going, with a crew to feed the boiler. Just saying.
I would guess that the lightning strikes too quickly for the nanomachines to properly absorb it. Lightning does travel at 224,000 mph, which is probably faster than the little buggers can react. As for the steam-powered cars… I don’t know. I would think that the number of people who could make working steam engines and install them in cars would be less than the number of people who could procure horses and make carriages, but it’s hardly the weirdest thing Revolution has posited (e.g., nanomachines that eat all electrical power everywhere).
What can you tell me about Superman's penis? Who is most generously endowed member of the Justice League, and which of them has the greatest sexual prowess?
I tried to postpone superheroic penis questions for a while to give you guys a break from naughty questions, but then you all just asked me other dirtyquestions, so here goes: The Justice League of Penises.
As we’ve discussed, Batman’s penis is the pinnacle of human penises. Big, but not so big as to become sexually unwieldly, a penis that he has trained to be ready for any situation that might arise (cough). Most of all, it is a penis that strikes fear into the heart of criminals.
Superman’s penis is the greatest penis. A penis that is majestic, otherworldly, big and immensely strong, but still undeniably human. A penis that radiates greatness and hope, from its tip to its sack. Superman has the penis we all aspire to have
Green Lantern’s penis knows no fear, and its supply of willpower is practically limitless. He can also use the power ring to rib it for her pleasure, if need be.
The Flash’s penis is long, thin, and while powerful, doesn't have much lasting power, as per pretty much every dirty innuendo uttered in the DC universe for the last 30 years.
Aquaman’s penis is majestic, royal and can breathe underwater. It can also command the most phallic-looking creatures of the sea. Occasionally his penis has been bitten off by a shark and replaced by a hook, although this also has been retconned a few times.
Cyborg’s penis is completely metal and electronic. So that sucks, but he can upgrade it in any way at any time… ladies.
And in the spirit of fair play, I will say that Wonder Woman’s vagina is a wonder. I don’t know precisely what that means, and am 100% confident that any attempt on my part to guess would get me in horrific trouble with somebody, so… yeah.
As for the sexual prowess of the League, well, from best to worst: Superman, Batman, Aquaman, Green Lantern, Cyborg, The Flash.
Anyone dare to ask me about the Avengers?
Do you have questions about anything scifi, fantasy, superhero, or nerd-related? Email firstname.lastname@example.org! No question too difficult, no question too dumb! Obviously!