Everyone gets into arguments about their nerdy passions. This even includes former Doctor Who showrunner Russell T. Davies and current showrunner Steven Moffat, who just brought one of their super-important canon arguments to light: Namely, did the Doctor have sex with Queen Elizabeth I?

As you may recall, the Doctor has been married to River Song, Queen Elizabeth I, and Marilyn Monroe... that we know of. This delightful nonsense began when someone wrote into the official Doctor Who magazine and asked Moffat if that meant the Doctor was a bigamist. Moffat replied that at least the Doctor's marriage to Elizabeth could have been annulled, since it was never consummated.

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And thus the trouble began. Seeing as the Tenth Doctor married Queen Elizabeth I during Davies' time as showrunner, when he ostensibly knew exactly how far the Time-Lord and the Monarch went on their wedding night, he immediately wrote in to the magazine, taking grave umbrage at the idea that the Doctor wouldn't have had sexual relations with his new bride:

I love your list in DWM 482 of the Doctor's many wives. Did you ever think we'd be having that conversation, 10 years ago? But… what's this? His marriage to Queen Elizabeth the First was unconsummated? But, but, but… in The End of Time Part One, the Tenth Doctor arrives on the Ood-Sphere to greet his old friend Ood Sigma with the words, "Got married. That was a mistake. Good Queen Bess. And let me tell you, her nickname is no longer… ahem." So, what does that mean, boss? What can it possibly mean?? Steve, what does it MEAN??? Thank you.

Moffat's indignant response was as follows:

Oh for God's sake, PAY ATTENTION. You've gone soft up there in Manchester. Practically tofu, I'd say. Probably all that lazing about, never writing any episodes for me, even though I wrote six for you. Yes, SIX. Actually, no, SEVEN. Time Crash counts too – and it was for charity. But never mind, oh no, I'll just type on and on and neglect my children, that's fine!
 Okay, the facts. I said the marriage was unconsummated – and so it was. You saw for yourself in The Day of the Doctor – he ran straight off after the ceremony. Would we have put that on television if it wasn't true? But I never said – not once, not ever – that the relationship was unconsummated!

Yes, Russell! I went there. Even as you
 gasp and clutch the furniture for support, 
I am writing in the pages of Doctor Who Magazine, about pre-marital shenanigans! I realise you've probably never heard of such unsanctified naughtiness – glancing at your resume, I see
 you write mainly about fruit and veg for
 Channel 4 – but it does go on, you know.
 Well, outside of Manchester. So there you are. You may sleep again. The Doctor's boast in The End of Time (oh, and thanks for that title, just before I took over) and my statement that his marriage to Elizabeth was unconsummated are in no way contradictory. True fact! Accept my True Fact. Back away in shame at your wrongness. Actually, write me a story, and we'll say no more about it.

I pray this is not the end of the discussion. I love that Davies calls Moffat out with proof from his own episodes. I love that Moffat's reply is that the Doctor and Liz did have sex, it was just pre-marital sex. I want Alex Kingston to weigh in on this, with a tearful letter blasting her husband's infidelity. And then I want John Barrowman to tell every they need to calm down, perhaps with an omnisexual orgy at his place.

[Via The Mary Sue]