What was that? No seriously, what the hell did we just watch? I love this show, but it is very lucky that vampires have the power to float outside bedroom windows and be sexy or else I'M OUT. Slightly NSFW gifs ahead.
Just kidding, that's never going to happen. I love you, True Blood. Return my Facebook messages, fake Vampire Eric and fake Vampire Bill. BUT DO IT IN CHARACTER OR NOT AT ALL.
So here's this week's Pro/Con list, and it is a doozy:
Pro: For just a split second whilst Warlow was warlowing through the Warlow I thought HOLY SHIT IS HE A LEPRECHAUN? Then it was obvious he was some sort of wet vampire so... pass.
Pro: I love that in movies and television shows, important props are always displayed on the bedside table. In reality, anything I put on my bedside table is lost. Forever. Oh yeah, that important fairy contract? Yeah, yeah I remember. I put it right here. It's right here… under this bra, a clump of cat hair, this bite guard I thought I had swallowed and a collection of Weight Watchers fudgesicle wrappers.
Pro: An old man finger blasts the front of a station wagon. While his grandson shoots him with wooden bullets. Just another day in True Blood town.
Con: And then, Roy Batty said, "I'm your fucking fairy grandfather." And we all died a little that day.
Con: The fairy grandfather continues stating that he's been watching over Jason for his whole life. To which I say, you're the shittiest fairy grandfather on the planet. Where were you when Jason's parents were getting murdered, when he was being framed for murder, or how about when he was being raped by an entire VILLAGE of were-panthers? Fuck you, fairy grandfather.
Pro: "If you know me so well, you know I hate tests." First Jason-ism of the night, only to be briefly eclipsed by the fairy grandfather snatching away his special gun. "Can I have it back?" NO YOU CANNOT, JASON.
Con: Meanwhile, back at the Vampire Ranch, everyone is acting like silver bullets with UV lights are such a big deal. Meanwhile, all the Underworld vampires think, LOL.
Pro: Eric is all FUCK THIS GLASS TRY AGAIN, and is it hot in here? It's like woooo stuff. And yeah. Ahem, excuse me.
Pro: Bill and Jessica are back and Bill is FLIPPING OUT.
HIS WHOLE BRAIN IS CRYING!
What does it mean? It means that Bill is about to go vampire catatonic and hang out with a bunch of blood-covered nakeds that we've never met before. For Lilith Flair! Or something.
Pro: Bill is just as confused as I am, but then again, what else are you supposed to do when you encounter a bunch of bloody women, strutting vagina-first in broad daylight? And just when you think you've got it figured out, they curtsey, turn around and DISAPPEAR? What the what? Was this a bet? Was this whole thing a bet like ,"I bet you didn't think we could fill our naked quota this episode? BOOM! Naked curtseying vampires. PAY UP, BALL!"
What was the direction in this scene? Remember Bill (as a vampire) you're shocked to be hanging out in the sun. But also there are these three blood-covered women you've never met before. So just keep walking like there's someone pulling your crotch on a wire.
Pro: Question, if you can see one's merkin beneath their dress, is there a purpose to said dress?
Pro: Turns out Bill is in his own mind, with Lilith who is also in his mind, or they share a mind with the Mauled Josie and the Pussy Cats that walked him in I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS PEOPLE THAT IS PART OF THE GAME. However, because we are inside Bill's mind, apparently that means we only talk in questions
PRO TO THIS THIS DIALOGUE:
"Where am I?"
"We are in no place."
"What is happening to me?"
"You think you still get to be Bill Compton?"
"I don't know what I'm supposed to be?"
LORDY LORD LORD LORD LORD LORDY LORD LORD LORD LORD LORDY LORD LORD LORD LORD LORDY LORD LORD LORD LORD LORDY LORD LORD LORD LORD LORDY LORD LORD LORD LORD LORDY LORD LORD LORD LORD LORDY LORD LORD LORD LORD LORD.
Con: Back at Merlotte's! Just happy to be someplace not inside Bill's mind where we're wasting everyone's time talking in riddles. Arlene and Terry spy a pregnant woman who has some sort of importance to them, but I'm still juggling the new characters introduced in the last episode. *Googles Felicity imdb* because I have forgotten the name of the actor who played Noel (judges also would have accepted "dolphin guy from Scrubs"). Discover that his name is Scott Foley, note that Scott Foley is still a fox. Go to Scott Foley's IMDB page, see that the character he played was called Patrick Devins. Wonder if I'm the only person alive who has done this because there is no way anyone cares about this smoke monster-killed Patrick Devins. Nor do they care about his pregnant wife, UNLESS that baby is also a smoke monster Game of Thrones style, but I'm pretty sure those universes do not coincide—even though True Blood has magically disappearing blood-covered ladies, and (lots of) boobs.
Con: Arlene lies and tells Patrick's wife that he left her for another woman, and that's probably worse than saying they don't know. This will definitely not come back to haunt her.
Pro: Sookie finds another thing she can have sex with in the dirt!
Pro: Ben is attractive? He's all dirty and bleeding and rolling around on the ground moaning so, OBVIOUSLY that's hot. But I need to see him cleaned up sans necklace.
Con: Ben is a fairy. Less attractive.
Blah blah fairies blah blah. Is anyone else sad this isn't some sort of new made-up character like a were-iguana or something? What would a were-iguana even act like in human form?… Probably a lot like Johnny Depp.
Pro: Back to Arlene, and finally the girl with a million zingers gets to say something cute: "Here organic means you play the fancy piano in church." Full admission it took me about 2 hours to get this joke. Ooooh organ... but whatever, I'm happy to have Arlene and Terry around even if it's for a second. Bring out Felix next week, please!
Pro: Lafayette tea parties are the BEST tea parties.
Pro: YOU GUYS it's Denise from Full House!
Con: Denise kind of sucks now. Apparently she's some sort of renegade pusher for supernatural creatures. Trying to force people into revealing their special powers. Leave Sam alone. Are we stilling thumping this "coming out" drum? Not sure how I feel about this? I know I loathe characters that show up and pressure people they've just met in ridiculous manners. Hi, I'm Denise from Full House, "COME OUT OF THE SUPERNATURAL CLOSET OR I WILL FORCE YOU I'M A MONSTER" isn't really making me love this character, or care. It seems wrong to wish true death on someone so new and pretty, but I dunno. Also I think the fact that she's from LA was a joke that sailed right over my head. *Shrugs*
Con: Lillith continues to talk in her weirdo circle dialogue. "There is no god but god." Lady, this is not awesome.
Pro: Meanwhile, actual awesome is happening. Now that Bill is making the face my Mom makes when I ask her to watch this show....
...it's Jessica's turn to flip out. Doing the only thing sweet, innocent Jessica can think of, she orders up some delivery food, "Bill, this nice lady is here to feed you." And shit goes WILD. Bill (still completely unresponsive) opens his mouth and drains all the blood from his donor. She dies immediately while Jessica cowers in the corner. It is absolutely bananas. Now these are the kind of god-like powers I could get into watching.
Pro: Sookie gets a dainty bowl and some dainty straps to clean up her new sex thing. He's really cute but honestly, if this were my house, I'd just hose him down with some bactine, give him a mint, and call it a day. Obviously, these two are going to bone.
Pro: Andy is still struggling with his adorable, fast-growing group of girls. They are so cute they are killing me. Please please please can we have more Lala and Andy next week? PLEASE?
Pro: Nora has a nice moment with Pam, and soothes her fears about her rapidly decaying relationship with Eric. As is True Blood law, the second a character you could like starts acting like a fully formed creature, they must die. Clearly Nora is going to die soon. Not OK with her dying, OK with her acting like a person to Pam for a minute. Too bad, Nora.
Pro: Eric goes UNDERCOVER.
Pro: Eric goes deep undercover, says, "NO PROBLEMO."
Question: No one thought the 8-foot blonde adonis wearing ill fitting clothes was suspicious? Sometimes, I think True Blood is just fucking with us. Like right now, in this instance. And then ending it with him flying away! Toodeloo Eric. That being said, I liked the Governor's sassy attitude and making fun of the term "glamouring," because really.
Con: Sookie and Jason sit down for dinner with their Great Grandfairy and all I can think is YOU GUYS ARE GETTING SPAGETTI ALL OVER YOUR DEAD GRANDMOTHER'S TABLECLOTH.
Con: Bless Jason for trying to get that Boba Fett line to work, but it didn't. Meanwhile, the Stackhouse family sits down and listens to the tale of Warlow, which just sounds dreadful. Not into it. However I'm 100% into the fact that Sookie is a Fairy Princess, because of course she is. And can make Hadouken!
Pro: Lafayette watches Chopped. We want to watch Chopped with you, Lala!
Con: Hey Alciiiiide..... WTF is this dickery? Alcide and his pack show up to just take Luna's child? Do they not remember what just happened? Oh good Sam just told them. What the shit is up with Alcide? Is this series just dumping years of character development to suit their plot needs willy nilly? Oh right... Hoyt, right.
Con: Horrible new werewolf girl punches Lala. That wolf gonna die.
Pro: And with one classic vampire floating outside of the girl's bedroom scene, Eric has redeemed this entire episode. My, my, my, my, my, my, my.
Pro: Baby Vampire Jessica ends the episode with a heartfelt prayer. Which is very genuine and sweet, but seems lost. These characters all seem terribly lost. And while the fact that Jessica is either praying to Bill or to whatever is possessing Bill works, I'm feeling a great disconnect to the characters. Perhaps Jessica and Pam are the only ones who feel changed by their circumstances.
Pro: Just remembered that Jessica had to go bury Bill's meal in the yard. Poor thing.
Pro: Bill wakes up and can tell the future, ok sure.
[EDIT: Old version of this now updated]Con: Bill sees everyone dying in what looks like a vampire concentration camp. Which, I'm uncomfortable with this. This is bad, like really bad. I know this show tries to "push political buttons" but in reality this is all they're doing:
The word I want to use is lazy, but it seems so deliberate that I'm not sure they're aware of what they're trying to do. And I hope Denise from Full House isn't a part of this either.
And just like that the episode ended. This season is still really, really jumbled. And frankly I'm nervous if we're already resorting to end-of-the-season type montages to tie people together. That being said, I'm really into Eric dating the Governor's kid, and Bill's new future, but not all the crying he does about it. Until next week, sports fans.
EDIT: Full disclosure I did NOT make this GIF and I can no longer find where it's from but I really want to add the link, please help me if you know where it originated from. This beauty must not go unrecognized. UPDATE: The gif is from TrueBloodSims which is incredible.