The Magicians and Lucifer premiere, and The Venture Bros. return after three years! The Vampire Diaries, The Originals and Grimm return from hiatus! Best of all: Amanda Pays is back on The Flash, Goth Felicity returns to Arrow, and Supergirl gets an impressive spike in the FX budget! Plus X-Files, Jaws, and Agent Carter! Your eyes will bleed and beg for mercy after this week’s TV!


Tonight

Uncle Grandpa (5:30PM, Cartoon Network)

A new episode of Uncle Grandpa airs every day this week at 5:30PM.

Supergirl (8PM, CBS)

“Kara must help Hank face his painful past when a White Martian, a member of the alien race that wiped out his people, kidnaps Senator Miranda Crane (Tawny Cypress), an anti-alien politician. Also, Cat’s estranged son, Adam (Blake Jenner), arrives in National City.”

The White Martian looks really good—there’s some Pumpkinhead mixed in with the standard Buffy the Vampire Slayer demon-shape of TV monsters we’ve had since 1997. Little bit of Lord Zedd in there, too.

The X-Files (8PM, Fox)

“When a scientist suddenly commits suicide, Mulder and Scully investigate what unseen force may have driven him to it. What they uncover is a laboratory where extreme genetic experimentation has been going on for decades, breeding subjects who possess unexpected and dangerous powers - and who harbor deep resentments.”

A question to anyone who tuned into last night’s premiere: when Mulder was laying out the conspiracy against the human race, was Joel McHale’s retort “more odious and far-reaching!” intended to be a laugh line? I think it was. Reasonable people could disagree. (I loved it.)

The Magicians (9PM, Syfy)

Two-hour series premiere! It’s like Last Exit to Brooklyn, but with wizards.

Lucifer (9PM, Fox)

“Upon leaving hell, Lucifer Morningstar retreats to Los Angeles for a more exciting life. When the murder of a friend connects him with LAPD detective Chloe Decker, Lucifer becomes intrigued with the idea of punishing criminals, sending the devil himself into a struggle between good and evil.”

Series premiere. It’s a show about how Lucifer is actually a really cool dude.

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Tuesday

The Flash (8PM, CW)

“When Cisco (Carlos Valdes) gets a vibe of Eobard Thawne (guest star Matthew Letscher), Barry (Grant Gustin) and the team don’t believe it. But, after an attack at Mercury Labs, Christina McGee (guest star Amanda Pays) confirms that the Reverse Flash is back. Meanwhile, Iris (Candice Patton) and Francine (guest star Vanessa A. Williams) share a nice moment that brings Iris closer to her brother, Wally (Keiynan Lonsdale).”

Amanda Pays is back! Oh, and the Reverse Flash.

Agent Carter (9PM, ABC)

That’s one hell of a promo.

Shadowhunters (9PM, Freeform)

“With Simon being held captive at The Hotel DuMort, Clary pleads with Jace, Alec and Isabelle to help her rescue her best friend. As the team readies for the mission, Jace helps Clary learn more about her Shadowhunter powers, Isabelle turns to her favorite Seelie for Intel, and Alec begins to question Jace’s motives and his place in their partnership. Meanwhile, a very scared Simon gets very up close and personal with Camille, the leader of the vampire clan.”

Not to be confused with Shadow Chasers, the lowest-rated program of the 1985-86 TV season.

Teen Wolf (9PM, MTV)

‘As Scott tries to put his pack back together, Malia and a new ally set out to rescue Deaton from The Desert Wolf.’

This episode, “The Sword and the Spirit,” gets its title from Ephesians: 6:17.

“Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”

Make of that what you will. Also, the Desert Wolf is a were-coyote.

The Expanse (10PM, Syfy)

“Holden finds the remains of Julie Mao’s ship, and with it lots of answers. But it’s Miller who is in for the biggest surprise of the season.”

Killing Fields (10PM, Discovery)

In this week’s episode, forensic anthropologists bludgeon a severed pig’s head.

The Shannara Chronicles (10PM, MTV)

…what do they say about elves? Tune in to find out, presumably.

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Wednesday

Arrow (8PM, CW)

“Diggle must learn to trust his brother Andy (guest star Eugene Byrd) when an enemy of their wartime past, an agent of the criminal organization Shadowspire, pays a visit to Star City. However, Diggle learns more than he bargained for about their shared time at war. Meanwhile, Oliver has to learn a whole new way of life.”

They’re burying the lede: Felicity the Goth returns!

Face Off (9PM, Syfy)

The artists must create lost races based on custom languages.

Star Wars: Rebels (9PM, Disney XD)

Getting into some deep Mandalorian history with this one!

Supernatural (9PM, CW)

Dee Wallace guest stars.

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Thursday

Clarence (5PM, Cartoon Network)

“Clarence and his pals venture to the Aberdale Renaissance Faire.”

Yes.

Adventure Time (7:30PM, Cartoon Network)

Finn and Jake crossover into Farmworld Finn’s dimension.

Legends of Tomorrow (8PM, CW)

Second half of the pilot! The Atom loses a boot in the past, so Rip Hunter has to get it back.

You, Me & The Apocalypse (8PM, NBC)

Series premiere. Diana Rigg is back on television.

The Flying Guillotine Double Feature (8PM, El Rey)

Parts 1 & 2! You’ll want to see them if you haven’t.

The 100 (9PM, CW)

Part 2 of Wanheda.

Angel from Hell (9:30PM, CBS)

Colony (10PM, USA)

“Katie’s (Sarah Wayne Callies) first mission with the Resistance leads her to a major discovery, but she begins to question her commitment to the cause. Meanwhile, Will’s (Josh Holloway) hunt for the mysterious Geronimo draws him into the Resistance’s crosshairs. Later their son Bram’s (Alex Neustaedter) girlfriend reveals a big secret about their colonized surroundings, his thirst to discover more leads him down a dangerous path.”

Elementary (10PM, CBS)

“Holmes’ tentative reconciliation with his father suffers a setback when Holmes and Watson discover Morland has been keeping a secret that threatens all of their safety. Also, Holmes and Watson investigate two murders connected to a for-profit college and its illegal recruitment practices.”

Where you can currently find John Noble these days.

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Friday

The White Cockatoo (6:30PM, TCM)

A gothic whodunit from 1930 featuring a kidnapping plot, a miniature sword and a crime-solving cockatoo.

The Vampire Diaries (8PM, CW)

Winter premiere! Now on Fridays.

The Originals (9PM, CW)

Ditto.

Grimm (9PM, NBC)

Grimm is also back this week. This is exhausting!

City of the Living Dead (12AM, El Rey)

Incredible movie! Guaranteed to retain all the intestines and head-goo when it airs this Friday at midnight on El Rey!

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Saturday

Jaws Marathon (10:30PM, Syfy)

All four Jaws movies! Don’t stop till you get enough.

Power Rangers: Dino Super Charge (12PM, Nickelodeon)

“The Rangers believe their work is done after they’ve defeated Sledge and his evil monsters. Unbeknownst to them, an even more powerful monster is picking up where Sledge left off and is closer to the Rangers than they think.”

The season 23 premiere!

Black Sails (9PM, Starz)

Beowulf (10PM, Esquire)

Beowulf on the Esquire network—where he belongs!

Svengoolie Presents This Island Earth (10PM, MeTV)

The battle between guided meteors and deadly rays.

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Sunday

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (11AM, Nickelodeon)

“The Turtles must gain the trust of the Utrom Council in order to find the next piece of the black hole generator!”

Galavant (8PM, ABC)

The one-hour second season finale!

The Venture Bros. (12AM, Cartoon Network/Adult Swim)

Three years after the season five finale, season six finally premieres.

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