Lost Girl's plot thickens. Then it solidifies. It becomes an immobile mass of incomprehensible plot threads crumbling under the weight of their own entropy. This is what the heat death of a TV show looks like. But wait! There's sex!
I called last week's Lost Girl the show's worst episode ever. At least we can point to that episode and go, "Oh, the one where they killed off Hale." I don't know what to say about this week. The show is already buried under a heap of boring, terrible plot ideas, so this episode was all about plot. But they didn't unravel any of the existing plot. They just kept throwing more and more crap onto the pile.
I guess we should start with the one decent part of the episode, Lauren and Evony. Lauren at some point tells Bo that she connected with the dark just to help Bo. "It's all for you, Bo!" She really said that, like she's Damian in the Omen movies. So Lauren goes over to Evony's place and gets all lingeried up. We catch part of Evony's phone conversation: "This puss puss isn't going to wax itself." Puss puss? Lauren seduces Evony, even though Evony said, "I don't need to claim your clam to claim you." Those were the two best lines of the episode.
We get to enjoy some fun MorriDoc makeout time, and Evony doing a hilarious fake orgasm. I thought she looked exceptionally cute wrapped in that silk sheet. Anyway it was all a big double cross, as Lauren poisoned Evony with a serum made from Evony's DNA, with the purpose of experimenting on her and turning her human. And by the by Lauren delivered this serum by, and I am not making this up or reading into things, by smearing it on her pussy for Evony to lick up.
This was really a soaring peak of delightful perversity in what was otherwise a total blank of an episode. But I have to ask, what was up with Evony suddenly experiencing sensation when she turned human? I've never seen anything in four seasons that suggested fae don't sweat or can't feel their noses itch.
Let's try to cover some of the other stuff that happened, painful as it is. There was Hale's funeral. Kenzi is super angsty. She wants revenge on Massimo, understandably, but even now her issues take a back seat to fae drama. This is the same problem she's been dealing with since last season, and is in fact the reason Hale died – because her human insecurity lead her to trade the Twig for her temp powers. So they dragged that out for as long as possible. In the end, Kenzi demands that Bo unclaim her, and leaves (in between there was some nonsense with her fighting Vex and Massimo, and Vex is Massimo's adopted father figure or something).
Bo is entwined in some kind of prophecy (indeed, part of Kenzi's anguish was that she doesn't appear in said prophecy). But, look, this was the worst part of the episode. I don't know if I could keep track of what's going on if I cared, and by this point I assure you I most certainly do not. I will list various things that happened in the absence of any actual analysis.
A knight appeared, literally out of nowhere, to serve "Queen Bo." Bo says, "I don't give a shit about prophecies." Amen sister. Lauren finds a book that is being written as she reads it, and it shows Rainer as a hairy fanged beast. There's something about a curse being broken, so that activates a backup curse that makes Rainer die in seven days. I guess in fae land, curses are run by the IT department. "You better run a backup on that." Bo says, "What alliance? What curse?" I'm basically shipping Bo with Bo at this point.
They burn a tarot card. They talk a lot about freeing the horse bat demon, which they call the perepice, which just…stop already. Now the perepice is…Bo's dad. What?
At this point, the notes I wrote during the episode just say, "You are all idiots."
Massimo ran around chewing scenery all the livelong day. That isn't even sufficient, I mean he subsists entirely on scenery. I'm surprised there was any scenery left. Hey let's throw in some more random plot. How about Evony is Massimo's mom! Sure, why not?
Bo and Rainer go to some kind of temple, and some people have a sword fight. It's the only action scene in the entire episode (well, other than Evony and Lauren), and it happens mostly off-camera, in the background while they thrillingly examine a small horse statue. There's something about handfasting, and the prophecy calls for Bo and Rainer to get married. It's "best for Bo's family" or something, and will free the perepice.
So Rosetta the knight performs the handfasting, they become married, and Rosetta makes with the evil laugh. "The dark lord will rise!" Hey, guess they had some scenery left after all. But then the dark lord compels Rosetta to hop in the fire (surprisingly solid FX there as she was immolated). This apparently opens the door for the perepice to show up, but who really knows at this point?
You know how Guns N Roses made one amazing album and then basically coasted for 20 years on the strength of that album? That's kind of how I'm starting to feel about Lost Girl. The first two seasons were so much fun, so goofy and joyous and dirty, and I've spent every season since then waiting to recapture some of that feeling. Still waiting.