Usual grain of salt for anonymously sourced info, but Collider has names and descriptions of the Rangers that will be in the new movie. And, yeah, it’s pretty much exactly the Mighty Morphin line-up.

The descriptions are exactly what you’d expect if you were asked to describe the original Power Rangers using exclusively 21st century buzzwords. I mean, it’s exactly in line with the original “teenagers with attitude” line.

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First up, our beloved Red Ranger, Jason. Who, in this version, is a ruined jock looking for redemption:

Jason – 17 years old, the makings of someone or something great if he would just get out of his own way. Jason was a legend of this town—a freshman quarterback with the skills to take him all the way. People knew his name. Children wore his jersey. Until, one night Jason wrapped his car around a pole and busted out his knee. Everything Jason was going to become ended in an instant. And with it, he lost himself. When we meet him at the start of the film, he’s a kid in need of redemption. By the end, he’ll be leading this disparate group of teens to shed their individual baggage and find who they truly are.

Pink Ranger Kimberly is “unconventionally cool” and is a a former popular girl now on the outside ever since a mysterious 6-month absence from school. She came back all “rebel without a cause,” which is “masking a deep secret that makes her feel profoundly vulnerable.”

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I’m betting everything I have that she came back in a leather jacket. Because that’s what “unconventionally cool” means in Hollywood.

Yellow Ranger Trini has, sadly, the shortest, blandest description of them all, and all we know about her is that her parents move a lot. And she’s a “loner who owns it” who secretly wants friends. I like that they call her a loner, when all of the Rangers are described as loners. EVERY SINGLE ONE of these descriptions are of loners too cool or too smart or too damaged to be members of any sort of group.

And Blue Ranger Billy, whose description is ... well:

Billy – 17 years old, slight and awkward. Billy is challenged in his abilities to communicate and interact socially. Whip-smart and sweet, but always odd. Sometimes in a fun way, sometimes not, Billy is a kid with no filter. Showing his emotions, understanding sarcasm, and dealing with his OCD is a constant challenge. Has never really had any friends and instantly gravitates towards Jason.

So, uh, is this just meant to be what would happen if Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory became a Power Ranger? Because it kind of reads like that. I kind of wish Billy’s epic fear of fish would play a role in this.

And Black Ranger Zack, although this description does seem to match that rumor we heard earlier about Zack not being a team player and being “too cool” for the basketball team. He gets as much depth as Jason, since he’s a big talker hiding that “he lives in a trailer park with his single mom, and because of it, feels deeply inferior to all his peers.” Lots of secrets this bunch is hiding. Good practice for the big Power Ranger secret.

Missing from these descriptions? TOMMY. Because there’s no effing way this movie lacks a love story, and there’s really only one we want to see. Come on.

All kidding aside, I kind of love these. Because, if they’re true, the movie is either taking itself way too seriously and is going to be amazing or it has become a self-aware parody and is going to be amazing.

[Read all the descriptions at Collider]


Contact the author at katharine@io9.com.