Okay, the Wesen o’ the Week in “Volcanis” isn’t technically Satan, but it isn’t a Wesen either. It’s a demon/priest of the Roman fire god Vulcan (who was god of lots of other shit too, but I won’t quibble) who poor dimwitted peasants thought was Satan, but is really just a dude on fire who has sharing issues.
Let’s get the small stuff out of the way first. Over in Europe-land, Adalind is still dead-set on selling her unborn baby on eBay. She enlists the help of Frau Pesch, who brings her to Stefania Vaduva Popescu, Queen of the Schwarzwald Gypsies, who has a surefire way for establishing the fair market value iof an unborn Royal Wesen baby. Unfortunately, this method needs a bit of fresh baby juice to do it. The Gypsy Queen checks the baby's blood, andconfirms it is indeed of Royal blood (because, seriously, why would anyone trust Adalind at her word). After offering her a great many Europe-land monies, Adalind reveals her real price: getting her Hexenbiest powers back.
In Portland, Juliette is still in the process of getting her memory back in ways that somehow don’t actually end up getting her memory back. She’s still seeing multiple Nicks, even in her car, which she wrecks by trying to bat one away. At the hospital, she tells the real Rick she is just totally full up on Ricks right now and Rick needs to stay the hell away. Eventually, Juliette goes to Pilar again, who gives her the advice to concentrate on one memory, one Nick, re-enact the scene, and then maybe that’ll help. It does. The Nicks leave, but Juliette gets sad and decides to remember Nick proposing, so that seems like a positive step.
And just outside Port-land, a geologist notices a strange volcanic fissure on the ground, and takes some rocks for samples. Volcanis shows up in her house, strangles her (while he’s on fire, so it’s extra unpleasant) and takes his goddamn rocks back. Nick, Wu and the geologist’s boss head to the fissure because the geologist had called in and said a crazy old dude attacked her there; they see the fissure, her boss also takes some rocks for samples. Well, Volcanis does the same damn thing. Also, it turns out he caused the eruption of Vesuvius, so we know this guy is a total (fire) dick.
The non-on-fire guy who attacked the first geologist turns out to be a crazy old coot of a bull-Wesen (called a Taureus, specifically) who has been trying to keep people from stealing Volcanis’ rocks for the last 15 years, and kind of doing a shitty job of it, if I do say so myself. He took this job on after his archaeologist wife took one of Volcanis' rocks and got roasted, so really he was trying to save the geologist by gibbering at her and grabbing her, and it's hardly his fault that ended up being the most socially awkward and thus most ineffective way to save someone ever.
Nick eventually gets this guy to the precinct, Nick and Renard manage to drag out his story verrrry slowly (seriously, the guy does not know how to communicate efficiently), Nick does some research that doesn’t explain anything other than the monster's name, the fact that yes, he’s on fire and that he usually shows up just before earthquakes hit. So Nick has a plan: Steal some of Volcanis’ rocks. Set them in a warehouse. Surround the rocks with huge tanks of liquid nitrogen. Wait for Volcanis to show up. Spray Volcanis with liquid nitrogen. Volcanis turns to rock. Crazy old bull-Wesen hits rock with hammer. Rock shatters. The end.
Seriously. There wasn’t much to this episode — it’s fine, but other than the cool fire dude there’s not much else you’ll remember. Still, some crazy shit looks like its going down next week, so either it’ll be awesome or the people who make the “Next week on Grimm!” promos are vastly underpaid.
VERY IMPORTANT NOTE:
In case you somehow missed it, Grimm moves to Tuesday nights immediately, so the next episode will air at 10 pm on April 30th, and the recap will go up on the morning of May 1st. In other good news, Grimm was officially renewed for season 3, because Grimm is NBC’s #1 show among ages 18-49, the prime advertising demographic. Now, this is partially because Grimm is good, but mostly because NBC is so fucking terrible at television it's insane. Look, every other TV network’s top non-reality show is a medical drama, a cop drama, or a comedy. NBC has plenty of those, but they’re all so terrible that more people prefer the weird niche show about the fairy tale monster hunters over every single scripted show TV NBC aired this season. It’s good for Grimm, but terrible for NBC. Still, since Grimm is in all honesty one of NBC’s biggest hits at the moment, I’d be surprised if it was still relegated to the Friday death slot come next fall.
• One scene at the beginning I didn’t mention was Nick, Wu and Renard starring in an impromptu office comedy to send Hank out on vacation. It would have been super out-of-place and annoying if it hadn’t been so damn funny.
• Nick seriously needs to start assuming every weird murder in Portland is Wesen-related, and head immediately to the trailer to do research. And I don’t mean this just as advice for the character, but for the show. Watching him stand around and waiting for him to realize that maybe if the lady was strangled by a dude whose arms of made of fire then that might possibly have been committed by some kind of supernatural being is getting annoying to sit through, and its making Nick look like a moron.
• And on that note, has Nick never read any of Grimm’s fairy tales? Sure, the Volcanis thing would be a non-starter, but remember when Rumplestiltskin showed up a few weeks ago, and Nick (and everybody, really) obviously had no clue about the original fairy tale, which would have almost certainly helped in their investigation? Shouldn't Nick be reading a copy of Grimm every single night? Shouldn’t that have been in Grimm 101: Introduction to Grimm?
• The quote at the beginning of the show is apparently from the “The Devil with the Three Golden Hairs” fairy tale, which usually gets translated in the West as “The Giant and the Three Golden Hairs,” because the devil is much more giant-like than devil-like anyways and also the devil will kill us all for reading or something. Still, not a Wesen.
• Nick is chasing the fleeing Taureus through the woods with no success, when Wu comes out of nowhere and nails the dude with a flying suplex. Wu rules.
• Volcanis is undoubtedly the best special effects monster I’ve seen on the show… except for the scene where he’s running, because he runs like an idiot. I also run like an idiot, so I’m not judging, I’m just pointing out it really decreased some of the menace, watching him run like he was trying to decide if he was constipated or not.
• Seriously? 15 years with nothing to do but think about how to kill a dude made of living fire and the liquid nitrogen thing never even occurs to the Taureus? Man, I bet he felt stupid when Nick came up with it after like 10 minutes.
• Mild spoiler for next week that was totally in the “Next week on Grimm” clip so really I’m not actually spoiling anything: Juliette asks Monroe what a Grimm is. I seriously hope this means 1) Juliette finally has all her memory back so she (and we) can move on and 2) she actually learns what a Grimm is (again) so she (and we) can move past this, also.
• That said, I am officially doubting you, Grimm: That whole “terrifying consequences” thing with the potion Juliette drank at the beginning of the season break was bullshit, wasn’t it? We’re six episodes in, and the only problems have been that 1) Nick’s head briefly turned purple and 2) Juliette has had memory problems… which are slightly different from the memory problems she had before she drank the potion. Is the fact that the potion works so fucking slow one of these terrifying effects? “Seriously, the recovery will last at least seven episodes. IT’S HORRIBLE…y slow.”
• Last nitpick, only because I’m on a roll. This is second time Juliette has to go to Pilar with help for her Nick-pocalypse. The first time Pilar explained Juliette was seeing all her old memories trying to come back at once, tonight she says she has to concentrate on one memory or else she’ll go mad. How the hell did that not come up the first time Juliette was over? Come on, Pilar, you’re her friend, not her doctor. You don’t get a co-pay every fucking time she stops by.
• And I'll end on a good note — the piece of the rock that still contained Volcanis' glaring, glowing eye? Pretty awesome, and nicely creepy. More of that, Grimm!