Damn, “She Wants Revenge” was a great episode—maybe the best of the season so far, or maybe it just seemed that way after last week’s snooze-worthy “reveal” of the Ten Commandments Killer. Whatever the case, it was deeply satisfying, and deliciously set the stage for Hotel’s final three episodes.
The Countess is still reeling from the revelation that her one true love, Rudy Valentino—who she’s been trying to replace all these years with lookalike dark-haired hunks—has been trapped behind the walls of the Hotel Cortez all this time. She’s furious with her long-dead hubby for that, and she’s a bit preoccupied with her soon-to-be new hubby, Will Drake, at the moment. But that doesn’t stop her from hiring a PI to track down Rudy and Natasha’s motel hideout.
The lovers reunite, and the Countess schemes to get Natasha out of the way and have Rudy all to herself at last. (While Rudy’s not stoked on the modern world, Natasha’s digging it: “She speaks of nothing but shopping and Uber,” he sighs.) But there are so many other schemes afoot that this master plan will have to wait a moment. First, there’s rich, rich Will Drake to marry ... and quickly kill. There’s that secret wing of the Cortez to mend back into a fortress, with the help of James Patrick March—who becomes an unexpected ally in the Drake-murder plot, too. At first it seems like March is out to blow the Countess’ cover by revealing her monster baby to Drake, until the Countess herself bursts in and uses the opportunity to knock out her brand-new spouse.
To the fortress wing with Will Drake (for now, his son is safe), and into the very room where Ramona Royale has been taken prisoner after being double-crossed by Donovan on their revenge plot. (Donovan, so stupidly gullible, actually believes the Countess has taken him back ... though he does get suspicious when he spots her visiting Rudy.) Don’t count Ramona out yet, though. There’s an unexpectedly poignant interlude in which she reveals what she’s been up to since her own falling-out with the Countess two decades before, and why it’s taken her so long to seek vengeance: she was caring for her elderly father. After he was killed by intruders, she brought him back to life with her blood, but even vampire magic can’t reverse the effects of advanced Alzheimer’s. Eventually, seeing him neither age nor regain his once-sharp mind, she drowns him out of mercy.
Of course, when Will Drake comes to, he releases Ramona from her cage, and she promptly slices his throat and takes a good, long drink. The shiny new security cameras beam the scene back to the Countess, who watches with apparent delight.
Elsewhere, Alex is doing Governess things when she catches sight of a TV news report about a homeless man who’s been found bled nearly dry. She tracks down Measles Boy and realizes her act of compassion—saving his life with her blood, and making him a vampire in the process—has made him a mini-vampire kingpin. We’ve been wondering for awhile what happened to all those kids who got turned at their school Halloween party ... well, they’ve been roaming around Los Angeles, enjoying a total lack of adult supervision and all the homeless-man and pizza-delivery-guy blood they can guzzle.
But not all of the kids are with the program; some of them miss their (now-dead) parents, and are reluctant to feed. Most of them, however, are brats, and Alex (and we) are left wondering WTF she’s going to do about this growing mess she accidentally created. Perhaps she should drown them all, Ramona-style?
In an episode with particularly funny writing overall, both Iris and Liz Tailor were in rare form. Iris, aka “Dirty Harriet,” gets an extended voice-over to explain exactly why she blood-sucks hotel guests (front-desk greeting: “Sorry, douchebag convention’s over at the Hilton”) who rent rooms to make cheap pornos. She’s not against dirty movies, mind you—she saw Deep Throat in the theater!—but she’s fed up with these sleazy “mess-terpieces” of today, and the amateur filmmakers who carelessly use the Cortez as a backdrop.
Meanwhile, Liz is still angry enough at the Countess for killing Tristan that she’s unafraid of unleashing some supremely catty barbs; has the phrase “Buy your own damn flowerssssss?” ever sounded so purringly disgusted? Also, best wedding objection ever, raised as the Countess is taking her vows: “She’s a bitch with no conscience, no mercy, and no soul.”
MEOW! The promo for next week suggests Liz—who accepts the Countess’ outstretched wedding bouquet, filled with the very flowers she refused to buy, like it’s made of poisonous snakes—fears for her life, which makes sense plot-wise. But damn, I’ll be bummed if my favorite character doesn’t make it to the bitter, bloody end.