This week, the third season of the most fucked up show on cable TV ended. And while there's still plenty more American Horror Story to come, we couldn't help but take stock of all the horrors this series has wrought. And then rank them. Here is our collection of the most WTF moments from three seasons of American Horror Story.
Warning: spoilers ahead...
Now these are REAL WTF moments, not "oh no, the realtor got his penis bitten off," or "yikes, those gators are alive!" We all saw those coming. These are ranked in order, from huh, to HOLY SHIT. Some of these are truly terrible and I can't believe they got away with them, and some are just generally fantastic and exactly why we love this series.
Robot Spider - AHS: Asylum
Let's start off light. The most benign — but still batshit — WTF moment in all of AHS would probably be the robot spider that was cut out of the Asylum inmate Kyle's neck. Because there was a robot in his neck. This was never really explained, but it meant aliens. Like most things on this series, don't overthink it.
Adult Breastfeeding - AHS: Asylum
A super subtle attempt on the part of AHS to point out that the serial killer Bloody Face has Mommy issues.
Patrick's Poker Death - AHS: Murder House
Zachary Quinto and his angel-faced lover Patrick are both brutally murdered by The Rubber Man, but Patrick really gets the worst of it. For no discernible reason (other than shock) The Rubber Man rams a poker up his rectum while Patrick is dying on the floor.
Murder Santa - AHS: Asylum
Ian McShane joined the cast of Asylum as serial killer and Santa impersonator Leigh Emerson. When he wasn't tying up families with their own Christmas decorations, biting off faces and raping, he was spouting out the most ridiculous dialogue ever assigned to a mentally deranged Santa Claus. Here is a good example, "You know the difference between that Santa Claus and me? He only comes once a year." It's so insane we had to collect the entire insanity in one video.
Dr. Adren's Experiments/ Shelly - AHS: Asylum
It's revealed (fairly early on) that the resident physician Dr. Arden has a couple side projects underway at Briarcliff Manor. Which appear to be some sort of zombie people that on feed human remains. But when he turns his attention onto nymphomaniac Shelly (played by Chloë Sevigny) that's when the real horror is unleashed. First he amputates her legs, then he starts injecting her with god knows what, mutating her into this. But she is eventually put out of her misery thanks to the super kind boss, the Monsignor (Joseph Fiennes), who strangles her with his rosary. Oof.
Severed Head Singing -AHS: Coven
And now an Academy Award winning actress' severed head will sing "Dixieland" to avoid being exposed to the television series Roots.
The Devil Goes After The Monsignor - AHS: Asylum
The previously sweet and (exceptionally naive) Sister Mary Eunice is possessed by a demon — but that's not the shocking part. The real holy cow is when the Sister holds down The Monsignor with her mind powers and rapes him. Stops raping him. And makes him beg for her to keep going. He does.
Anne Frank Cameo - AHS: Asylum
A new Asylum patient claims that she is Anne Frank (played by Franka Potente). While in the institution, she outs Dr. Arden for being a Nazi doctor and performing terrible experiments on his prisoners. To prevent himself from being outed, Dr. Arden lobotomizes this alleged Anne and sends her back home, happy, to her husband. So maybe it wasn't Anne Frank? Either way what a ridiculous clever way to skirt around the horribly insensitive idea of casting Anne Frank in your show. You got us, AHS!
Cry Masturbation - AHS: Murder House
What better way to kick off your series' pilot than with your main character aggressively jerking off while weeping, and being secretly observed by creepy burning man Denis O'Hare? Welcome to American Horror Story, everybody!
Aliens! - AHS: Asylum
Surprise Attic Brother - AHS: Murder House
If there's one thing these series need, it's MORE CHARACTERS. And just imagine our shock when we discover that Constance (the lady next door played by Jessica Lange) had a secret son hidden in the attic. Which we didn't find until the seventh episode — although his red ball was spotted earlier on in the series, it was still wildly out of left field.
Blood Facials - AHS: Coven
Both Marie Laveau and Delphine LaLaurie were guilty of using fresh pancreatic blood from their victims to spread on their faces for beauty treatment. However you could argue that Laveau was justified in using the blood from Lalauie as penance.
YA DEAD VIOLET - AHS: Murder House
Violent, the petulant teenager of the Murder House (which who can blame her for being a brat her parents had garbage hearts) commits suicide. Cut to Tate, the ghost boy who lives in the house that she's dating forcing her to throw up her suicide pills in the tub. Making the audience believe that everything is OK. BUT IT WAS NOT OK. Because in reality Violet died and Tate hid her body in the basement. Which we then got to see. It was gross.
Coat Hanger Abortion - AHS: Asylum
After being raped by the serial killer Bloody Face reporter Lana Winters is hospitalized again and forced to take her pregnancy into her own hands. This was impossible to watch. Side note, the title of this episode was actually "The Coat Hanger" — classy!
Dr. Arden Cremates Himself - AHS: Asylum
This, however, we could watch all damn day. Upon learning that his precious Sister Mary Eunice has died, he cremates himself with her body. Whilst still alive. It. Was. Hilarious. WEEE!
Incest - AHS: Coven
A completely unnecessary character moment, Kyle is killed, and brought back to life by cobbling the bits of his frat brothers into "one perfect boyfriend." His new witch girlfriend Zoe then takes Kyle back to his mother. Upon his return, Kyle's mother proceeds to have sex with him. But she knows it's not him because "she knows his body," *hack hack dry heaves hack ack* In return, Kyle flips out and kills her. Fun fact about Kyle!
Bleach Enema - AHS: Coven
In a brilliant bit of stunt casting, Patti LuPone shows up and screams, "Wait I'm not the most famous person here?" In retaliation she gives her super-Christian son a "cleansing" bleach enema.
Rape/Murder Basement - AHS: Asylum
Dear God, this one is so terrible. After subjecting the imprisoned journalist Lana Winters to horrible "aversion therapy" (to cure her of her gayness), Dr. Thredson (Zachary Quinto) pretends to spring Lana from Briarcliff Manor only to re-imprison her in his basement of horror. Because surprise! He's the first Bloody Face. There, in this basement of terror, is the body of Lana's dead girlfriend whom he has been having sex with (so we can add Necrophilia to this list). Thredson then handcuffs Lana to a bed and rapes her countless times. It's just so fucking terrible. And this is how she gets pregnant with his child.
DANCE BREAK - AHS: Asylum
Thankfully not all American Horror Story WTFs involve terrible horrible rape scenarios. After Sister Jude goes insane from shock therapy after being imprisoned in her own Asylum, she pauses for a dance break. And everyone joins in.
Mossy Bank - AHS: Asylum
In which the farmer from Babe brings a prostitute over to his house, and upon discovering that she has found his vile collection of torture porn photographs (from his work as a Nazi) orders her to reveal her "mossy bank." That episode changed all of us.
Tate's Reveal - AHS: Murder House
After spending time with very TUMBLR-able teen Tate, you slowly start to realize that he's got some issues. Even for a ghost. But we never, not ever suspected that his death story would reveal that he was actually a school shooter. Shocking to say the absolute very least, thank Heaven for writer Tim Minear who managed to turn the whole idea around on the audience. Allowing them to relate to this character but also forcefully attempting to make this character deal with this consequences by surrounding him with the ghosts of his victims. We still get chills when the student who is forced to live and eternity with a shotgun blasted jaw, unable to communicate tries to yell at his murderer. Absolutely thrown.
Attic of Horrors - AHS: Coven
Delphine LaLaurie's terrible horrible attack, where she tortured slaves and liked it. She stitched lips shut with fecal matter in their mouths, ripped off skin and made a real-life minotaur. Vile.
Dead Baby Made Up of Other Dead Babies - AHS: Murder House
And possibly the most WHAT THE FUCK of all the What the Fucks. Little did we know when we started watching the first season of this show, that the "murder house" was home to an illegal abortion clinic. Unfortunately, Dr. Charles Montgomery was not great at his job, but he did love ether.
A pissed-off client seeks revenge, by kidnapping the family's son Thaddeus, dismembering him, and returning him (via police evidence box) to the Montgomery home in jars. Dr. Montgomery reacts by combining the human remains with other human remains from his office, creating a new version of Thaddeus. Who still lives in the basement in modern times. It's terrible, we know.