As one of the most anticipated movies of all time, it’s not surprising that The Force Awakens has inspired hundreds of rumors from fans, desperate to know what’s going to happen a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. As it turns out, there are at least a dozen or so of these rumors that are utterly, completely insane, and we’ve collected them here.

Advertisement

Warning: Although all of these rumors are bonkers, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re all false. So if you’re trying to stay completely spoiler-free, you might want to stop reading, just in case!

1) Kylo Ren is actually Luke Skywalker.

Advertisement

There have been rumors that Luke Skywalker will have turned to the Dark Side ever since Episode VII was first announced. I think that’s unlikely—I doubt Lucasfilm wants to negate his heroic journey from the original trilogy by making him evil—but it’s still within the realm of possibility. But additionally, there’s a surprisingly popular version of this rumor that adds that somehow Luke is the guy wielding the cross-hilted red lightsaber. This is nonsense. While obviously I wouldn’t put it past J.J. Abrams to lie to fans about characters’ true identities (he’s certainly done it before) we’ve seen actual photos of actor Adam Driver in Kylo Ren’s costume, sometimes without his helmet. Also, if you just look at Ren’s body and movement, it’s very clearly not 64-year-old Mark Hamill in that outfit.

2) Han and Chewbecca have traded the Millennium Falcon in for a Star Destroyer.

A Super Star Destroyer, to be exact. Why would they do this? No idea. How would they get one? No clue. Even if they had one, how do two people “pilot” a ship that supposedly requires 280,000 minimum crew members to operate? What the hell would they even be doing with one? This particular rumor came from Badass Digest, which also said that Poe Dameron was The Force Awakens’ version of Lando, and would even be wearing a cape. Since that definitely isn’t true, I think we can also safely say Han and Chewie are sticking with the Falcon.

3) Finn is Han Solo’s son.

Advertisement

Sponsored

Although pretty much every character in The Force Awakens has at one point been rumored to be related to Luke, Leia, Han, Lando, the Emperor, and pretty much every other character in the original trilogy, I’d like to take a moment to share this particular theorized relationship, because it is so delightfully nuts. This unlikely possibility came into being after Marvel’s Star Wars #6 comic, which revealed Han Solo was at someone point married to a woman named Sana, a character who is black. While obviously this would account for certain physical differences between Han and Finn, this is clearly a case of assuming all black people in the Star Wars universe are related (obviously, Finn has frequently been rumored to be Lando’s son as well). More importantly, we know that Finn starts out as a Stormtrooper. Can you imagine Han Solo letting his kid work for the remnants of the Empire? Also, can you imagine Disney telling mass audiences that Han Solo was married to someone other than Leia, had a kid, and has spent the last 30 years as a deadbeat dad? It’s one thing to bring it up in a comic; it’s an entirely different deal to bring up on-screen in a $200 million movie.

4) Luke’s lightsaber is some kind of literal key.

Advertisement

We know that Luke’s blue lightsaber, the one he lost during his duel with Vader during The Empire Strikes Back, is somehow found during The Force Awakens, and many story rumors have hinted that it specifically is what sets the plot of the movie in motion. This is probably true. What isn’t true is that Luke’s old lightsaber is needed because it is a key to some kind of special Jedi tomb. So, uh, when exactly would this tomb have been created? I mean, Anakin presumably built his own lightsaber, like most Jedi do, and then Luke lost it in ESB. You’d think if Anakin, Obi-Wan or Luke let someone borrow it to craft a corresponding lock for some random Jedi tomb, it’s the sort of the thing that probably should have come up in the first six movies. Also, a lightsaber isn’t particularly key-like. It’d be like making a gun a key. Sure, you technically could, but using a regular key sounds so much more practical.

5) Luke started a new Jedi Academy and then the Knights of Ren wiped it out.

This rumor is crazy, but it’s not actually impossible. Many rumors say when The Force Awakens begins, Luke has been missing or gone in hiding for many years. Sometimes it’s because he’s afraid of his massive Force powers, sometimes it’s because he’s in penance for something. This specific rumor states that Luke actually did start to rebuild the Jedi Academy, only to have the Knights of Ren slaughter all his padawans. That sort of tragedy would certainly be enough to make Luke to give up on his dream of bringing back the Jedi order and/or go into hiding. Still, if this is true, that will make three out of seven Star Wars movies that features the wholesale slaughter of children, which would be crazy all by itself.

Advertisement

6) Pussy Riot appears in the film.

Lots of people have been rumors to be starring in the film. There are still people who are certain Daniel Craig is playing a Stormtrooper. People are still convinced Benedict Cumberbatch will appear, even though the voice from the first trailer that sounds so Cumberbatch-y has been confirmed as Andy Serkis. And one rumored guest star—Simon Pegg—actually turned out to be true! All that said, no matter how sympathetic J.J. Abrams and other Disney executives may be to the Russian punk group Pussy Riot’s fight for women’s and LGBT rights, I am 100% certain that Disney does not want any media coverage for their kid-targeted, family friendly, possibly billion-dollar-grossing movie to include any mentions of the word “pussy” for any reason.

7) The rebels have their own megaweapon.

Advertisement

Advertisement

The idea that the New Republic would, in fear of the remnants of the Empire building a new Death Star or a similarly terrifying weapon of mass destruction, build a terrifying weapon of mass destruction of their own doesn’t seem beyond the realm of possibility. It could also explain why our heroes are calling themselves the Resistance—seeing the New Republic fall into the same traps that the Empire did, Leia and the others could have split off in disapproval. However, it would be a major bummer for fans to learn that Leia and the Rebel Alliance’s work in the original trilogy was for nothing. Happily, there’s another rumored reason for why the Resistance exists, and it’s plausible enough that I won’t mention it here, because it is most likely an actual spoiler.

8) Max Von Sydow is playing a character from the prequels.

We know very little about who the 86-year-old actor is playing, although most rumors peg him as living on Jakku as a sort of mentor to Rey. Other rumors says his body is mostly cyborgized, and still others say that he’s playing a character from the prequels. There’s no telling whch character this may be, but given that these sequels have shown no connections to the prequel trilogy in the slightest, having one a prequel person return as an elderly cyborg is pretty crazy. If you want to make a guess of your own, TFA takes places 52 years after Revenge of the Sith, so presumably look for a character who was in their 30s then.

Advertisement

9) Max Von Sydow is playing Boba Fett.

Although Boba Fett is technically a character in the prequels, I don’t think anyone considers him a “prequel character.” This is why I separated it from the above rumor, but also because this idea is extra bonkers. Boba Fett is like 10 in Attack of the Clones; since TFA is 52 years later, that would make Boba 62, which Von Sydow is nearly 25 years too old. I have no doubt that Boba Fett survives the Sarlacc Pit in the new canon; the Star Wars: Aftermath book isn’t particularly subtle about it. But that doesn’t mean Boba Fett needs to be in every Star Wars movie. We didn’t need to see Boba Fett’s childhood, and we don’t need to see him in his old age. Surely Abrams and Disney have learned that, if nothing else.

10) Darth Vader will be resurrected.

Advertisement

Advertisement

Just because this theory comes from my friend and co-worker Germain Lussier doesn’t mean it isn’t bonkers. I don’t care how well reasoned his argument is, or how much evidence he has (and he has a disturbing amount). If Kylo Ren can actually bring Darth Vader back from the dead—like, suck his Force Ghost out of the Force and put it in a new/cloned body—the Star Wars universe will be immediately broken. Once death is not permanent, then why should we be concerned if any character dies? It’s the exact same problem superhero stories have had forever. (The fact that Jedi can become Force Ghosts for an indefinite amount of time is problematic enough.) Additionally, Luke managed to redeem Anakin at the end of Return of the Jedi; in fact, Anakin’s fall and redemption was the whole damn point of all six movies. Would J.J. Abrams undo all of that just because he can’t think of a new bad guy? I certainly hope not.

11) Luke kills Han.

Supposedly one major original trilogy character is going to die in The Force Awakens; I won’t say who all the options that have been floated around, just in case this is true. I will say we’re in no danger of seeing Luke murder Han in cold blood. The story was that an enraged Luke will kill Han while he tries to protect Kylo Ren, although this rumor came before we knew Kylo Ren’s identity or even that he had a crazy lightsaber. There is no way that Lucasfilm turns the franchise’s biggest hero into its biggest villain. Not only would it clearly be done for solely shock value, it would actually taint the original trilogy even more than the prequels did. There’s never going to be a Harry Potter sequel where Harry Potter shoots down Ron Weasley, nor is there going to be a Spider-Man comic or movie where Peter Parker slits Aunt May’s throat, and there’s no chance of Luke murdering his best friend Han.

Advertisement

12) Jar Jar Binks will return as a Sith Lord.

You may have heard this rumor floating around as part of a larger “Jar Jar was secretly an evil Force user in league with Palpatine” theory. We have gotten many, many emails about this, asking why we haven’t covered it. The answer is because it’s the stupidest goddamn thing I’ve ever heard of. It exists only by taking the established facts of the movies and ascribing wholly unsupported ideas and completely unproven motivations to them. I could say that Padme was also a secret evil Force user who’s plan was to have sex with Anakin until he turned evil and we just never saw any evidence of this in the movies, and it is just as legitimate. Not only is this theory not true, even if it were, turning Jar Jar into the evil mastermind of the Star Wars universe is the only sure way to make the sequels suck worse than the prequels. Only one person on this planet who likes Jar Jar Binks, enough to put him in the movies, and that was George Lucas. Even he only felt comfortable giving Jar Jar a few more seconds of screentime after the vitriol he received for The Phantom Menace. The only way J.J. Abrams would include Jar Jar in the sequels is as a bleached skeleton.

13) Someone says “I have a bad feeling about this.”

Advertisement

Advertisement

I mean, some rumors are just so absurd they don’t even need to be dignified with a response.


Contact the author at rob@io9.com.