The sky is blue. Water is wet. And Warner Bros., the same studio that turned The Hobbit into a trilogy of epic-length movies, allegedly would not just like to make the new Harry Potter play into a movie trilogy of its own, but chase down Daniel Radcliffe and get him to return as the bespectacled wizard. Shocking!

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The New York Daily News is reporting that Warner Bros. is eager to approach Daniel Radcliffe to reprise the role of Harry Potter for a whole trilogy of movies based on the recent play Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, set 19 years after the events of The Deathly Hallows. According to the Daily News’ sources, the studio is securing the movie rights on the sly, and wants Radcliffe to return as the older Harry, despite the many times the actor has said he’s done with the role.

Since the sources for this “news” could have literally been common sense, I now present to you a complete list of alternative headlines the io9 staff brainstormed about for this post:

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  • Warner Bros Is Trying to Chase Daniel Radcliffe, Human Golden Snitch, For Its Inevitable Cursed Child Movie
  • WB: We Would Very Much Like to Make Harry Potter and the Cursed Child the Next Hobbit
  • Warner Bros. Becomes Ironborn, Declares “What Is Harry Potter May Never Die”
  • Report: WB Wants to Make Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Movie With Daniel Radcliffe to Star, Machine That Makes Rainbows and Gives Blowjobs
  • Warner Bros: You’ll Pry New Harry Potter Movies Out of Our Cold Dead Hands, Dammit
  • No Shit, Warner Bros. Wants Daniel Radcliffe For a Cursed Child Movie Trilogy
  • Harry Potter Play to Become Harry Potter Movie Trilogy Because It’s 2016 What Else Did You Expect
  • In News No One Could Have Possibly Foreseen, WB Reportedly Wants Daniel Radcliffe for a Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Movie
  • SHOCKING: BREAKING: REPORT: RUMOR: WARNER BROS SIGNS DANIEL RADCLIFFE FOR CURSED CHILD MOVIE? HERE’S WHAT WE KNOW
  • Blah Blah Harry Potter Blah Blah Cursed Child Movie Blah Blah No Fucking Shit
  • Warner Bros Would Like to Make Movies Out of a Play Based on Little-Known Book Series
  • Daniel Radcliffe Signs On For Cursed Child Movie Trilogy For Lifetime Supply of Chocolate Cookies
  • Warner Bros, Having Wrung Tolkien and DC Dry, Turns Hungry Eyes to Former Child Star
  • Daniel Radcliffe, Farting Corpse, Linked to New Harry Potter Movie Trilogy

You get what we’re saying, yes?