Bond. Jane Bond. That’s the aesthetic on this week’s extremely silly adventure into the world of Blindspot, where evil Dark Web millionaires host fancy dress parties. Martinis and black tie shootouts, anyone? Anyone?
Spoilers for Blindspot episode 9, “Authentic Flirt,” shaken, not stirred.
I think we can agree that the entire purpose of this episode was to get the cast out of their drab FBI work casual and into some snazzy formal wear. All of this backdrop was to further the effort of propelling the Jane/Weller soulful staring subplot. Because as actual plots go, this week was ridiculous even by Blindspot’s incredibly absurd standards.
Everything I’m about to say doesn’t make much sense in English, but I’m going to type it anyway. An anagram of letters from Jane’s tattoo leads the team to an online kennel forum where dangerous dealings are brokered on a message board for dog lovers, because those sites are unmoderated or something. Since we later learn that the mastermind behind the night’s events is a brilliant Dark Web genius, just why the puppy website was needed as the very public point of exchange is confusing, but not even the least plausible part of the episode yet.
This leads to a shootout with professional assassins in an abandoned house, and because this is Blindspot, the team kills first, asks questions never. I’ve given up trying to care about the body count on this show, which must number into the hundreds after 10 episodes. Human life has no meaning if you are not a named character on Blindspot. All the rest are puppets carrying guns. From the shootout we learn that Jane speaks Bulgarian because why not, and also that the assassins were going to a exclusive fundraiser to buy illegal goods because we need a reason for the team to play dress-up.
“My eyes are up here. Why won’t you creepily stare at me the way you stare at Jane?”
Meanwhile, get a good-looking wrench to throw into the cogs of the Jane/Weller UST machine. There’s a random pretty old flame of Weller’s who stops by to try to tempt him out of staring at Jane. But Weller won’t be tempted! The woman, a U.S. marshall whose name is unimportant enough for me not to remember, exists solely for Jane to give the side-eye and to drive home that Weller doesn’t have eyes (intense, staring eyes) for anyone but Jane. He blows her off as soon as Jane emerges in a nice dress. Then it’s off to the ball!
Jane and Weller get flown in a helicopter to the mansion of a shady, unhinged bad guy who goes by the name “Rich Dotcom” (somewhere in New Zealand, Kim Dotcom wishes he could sue instead of being sued). Rich Dotcom is a total badass as far as Blindspot baddies go. He’s full of nerve, energy, and snark, like he’s on an entirely different show. He flirts with both Jane and Weller and waltzes around his house drinking cognac purchased for a hundred thousand pounds. He made all his money in Bitcoin, like you do. Now he profits from the dastardly Dark Web, which is becoming a go-to device whenever the show need a Scary Online Thing.
The best bad guy is selling a USB stick that contains a list of people in the witness protection program. Jane and Weller pull off their undercover mission to get the USB, then are shocked—shocked!—that they aren’t the only buyers. Bad guys have such shit standards these days. So the rest of the episode when they aren’t dancing or pretending to be married and handsy is spent trying to track down the second buyer at the party. Yes, they must pretend to be married, a favorite trope of fanfic writers everywhere.
“Man, I should really invest in Bitcoin.”
The “couple” end up finding the buyer and luring him down to the basement, where he turns out to be a martial arts master (like you do) and fights them both at once in a fight scene that’s pretty fun. More hand-to-hand, less machine guns, if you’ve got to have 5 1/2 violent scenes an episode, please, Blindspot. Yet for some reason all I could think about throughout the fight scene was: don’t they think the Internet genius Big Bad might have another copy of the list, I don’t know, backed-up somewhere?
Anywho, Jane and Weller get the upper hand in the fight, then Rich Dotcom busts them. We know where this is leading. Say it with me, kids: machine gun shootout! Some shows have characters who end every episode at a coffeeshop; Blindspot ends, always, with automatic weapons fire and someone saving the day. They collar the bad guy, and Zapata and Reade swoop in on a rescue helicopter.
All is not well, however. Light has gone out of our lives. In a minor “B” plot, Patterson’s adorable ex-boyfriend David takes it onto himself to try and solve some of the pending mysteries as a misguided attempt to win her back. When David spots a flame-haired woman leaving secret codes in the books he and Patterson discovered in the library, he follows her for the rest of the day. Ominously, he is also be followed by a man in black.
Later that night, while the team is celebrating their win with beers and pizza at Jane’s, David follows the woman down an alleyway. The Man In Black rounds the same corner, only to find Henry attacked and collapsed. Damn, you pulled a fast one on us, Blindspot, we didn’t even get to see it happen. Though we knew David would soon be sacrificed: I’m on the record as saying he was either a villain or that we’d soon be confronted with his “bullet-riddled body.”Alas, poor David, who was actually not evil! Poor Patterson! She was the only moderately happy character that we had. Now she will be sullen and mad just like everyone else.
“Too earnestly hipster for this world.”
Next week’s episode is the mid-season finale, which means lots of fighting, likely a few explosions, and more unresolved sexual tension than you can shake a machine gun at.
Some questions: will we find out more about the Taylor Shaw mystery, left cold these last few weeks? Will Jane and Weller stop staring and suck face? What’s the deal with Sexy Tree Tattoo Dude, who Jane has intimate flashbacks about? Who arranged to shiv Lou Diamond Phillips in prison, removing another of our more interesting characters? Will Zapata redeem herself or betray the team again? And perhaps most crucially, will Patterson make the red-haired woman wish she was never born? Hopefully we’ll get to see her in full revenge mode next bat time, next bat channel.
Images via NBC