Let’s be fair: were all tragic teen fans once. In fact, some of us are tragic fans now. And we don’t all get the chance to be in charge of the show that we loved when we were kids. That said, this song is still painfully bad.

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Back in 1985, Chris Chibnall won a contest to write a Doctor Who theme song for Doctor Who Magazine. It’s not meant to be sung to the actual show theme, which is good because that would be impossible. I tried singing it with a sort of old timey sailor drinking song deal, but that didn’t quite work either. Here are the lyrics so you can give it go yourself (original punctuation is preserved here):

One fateful day in ‘63

A man staggered out of the fog

We wondered then who could he be

Our minds ran riot—and so did he!

Exciting journeys through Time and Space

Unknown perils he had to face.

Celery, recorder, jelly babies as well,

It’s the Doctor you can tell.

Six faces have travelled far and wide,

With faithful companions at their side

The Doctor’s been hung, drowned, shot, and killed

His mind-numbing adventures have certainly filled

The gleeful viewers with delight,

To witness his never-ending flight

Against the evils in the Universe,

And the Baddies always seem to come off worse.

Celery, recorder, jelly babies as well,

It’s the Doctor you can tell.

Six faces have travelled far and wide,

With faithful companions at their side

Mary Whitehouse criticized

Because the show was too violent in her eyes.

It’s now a national institution

And should be part of the Constitution!

The good old Doctor soldiers on

HE’S THE BEST—SECOND TO NONE

Doctor Who is one of only a few properties which has lasted long enough for fans to grow up and be involved. Which is why we can keep digging up stuff like this on them. On the one hand, good for them! On the other, I am literally red with second-hand embarrassment right now. This is so, so hard to read all the way through without cringing.

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[Radio Times]

Top image: The BBC

Contact the author at katharine@io9.com.