Last night Once Upon A Time centered its storyline around a fully wooden grown-up Pinocchio. See, after he was done having sex and drinking in Phuket (something only rotten people do) Pinocchio's curse caught up to him, and now he is a creature that is ENTIRELY MADE OUT OF WOOD. There are no words, there is only terrible, terrible CG video that you have to watch right now. Seriously, somebody needs to tell ABC what wood looks like.
This was yet another Once episode where the flashbacks were set entirely in the "real world" (yes the same real world where wooden men with wooden beards wear tank tops over their wooden torsos, on a show for adults). Personally, I find the flashbacks infinitely more enjoyable when they are set in this so called real world. In this flashback in Hong Kong, we find Pinocchio making a deal with a dragon for magic juice that will turn him back into a real boy. There he meets Neal's fiance (Tamara) who is NOT Tiger Lily (maybe) but is one crazy witch with a taser.
Note that this lady kills two people with this taser. It's hilarious.
Also Tamara lady is secretly knocking boots with Owen, who finally came out to Regina as his real identity after she guessed it. That was a good moment and I look forward to another showdown between these two in the future. Where is Owen's Dad? LOL I don't care because there's an giant wooden puppet with the weirdest neck I've ever seen, running around in a leather jacket.
Tamara kills Pinocchio before he can warn Emma of her plan to steal all the magic from town. At some point while Pinocchio is gasping his last bits of air as a life size wooden sex doll (seriously, he breathes — isn't he MADE OUT OF WOOD? How do you kill something MADE OUT OF WOOD!!??) he squeaks out some sort of warning. No one understands, but Emma does say "I will not let his last act die in vain" and the collective American audience does a spit-take. Pinocchio dies, and then turns into the creepy ginger boy from the beginning. Thus making Emma's obsession with him fairly disgusting and ruining any chance of seeing Eion Bailey on this show again.
Let me put it in even simpler terms:
And with that, we leave you with a Pinocchio gif that is equal parts terrifying and hilarious. Goodnight, everybody!