J.J. Abrams has released the trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens and now that we're done screaming and crying all at once, we're ready to break this thing down. Behold our shot-for-shot, spoiler- and speculation-filled dissection of the new Star Wars trailer.

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Warning: a lot of the links have unconfirmed spoilers in them. And there will be mild spoiler talk in this breakdown.

Trailer starts with a narrator saying, "There's been an awakening… Have you felt it?"

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Is that Benedict Cumberbatch? That certainly sounds like his dragon voice. Does this mean BC is in the new Star Wars movie? Or is that new character played by Max von Sydow? It sounds more like Cumberbatch, but Sydow is actually confirmed to be in this movie. But... it sounds like Cumberbatch. We've reached out for confirmation, will let you know. UPDATE: WAIT it might be Andy Serkis which makes sense as Andy Serkis was actually cast in this movie. And now it's confirmed. That's Andy Serkis.

Up pops a very sweaty John Boyega, and OH MY GOD HE'S WEARING A STORMTROOPER SUIT. We're in. In. In. In. Why? Because here is a character in a stormtrooper suit who doesn't have the silly CG face of Boba Fett plastered onto his head. (UPDATE: Apologies, I meant Jango Fett.) This is real; this is tangible. And look at that suit, it's scuffed! It's dirty! This is the dirty, broken future world that we remember from the days of New Hope past.

But that's just projecting; let's get to the facts. And the facts are John Boyega is scared, or upset. He turns around like he doesn't know where he is (in a desert) and breathes heavily. Did he feel the tremor that the narrator was referencing? Is that what happened? Why is he in this get-up? Is Boyega a stormtrooper? Does this mean fractions of the Empire's forces are still operating? Or is he pretending to be a stormtrooper? Or have the suits been repurposed for something else? We have no idea. The rumor mill on this character is that he's the central hero (along with Daisy Ridley) and starting the teaser with his face could be bolstering that suspicion. But in the end, it is all just suspicion. However, we do know for a fact that Attack the Block (which starred Boyega) is amazing and he was amazing in it and we are all better people for having Boyega in this movie because he is a talented actor.

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HOLD THE PHONE. 00:23-:25 That sounds like an Imperial Probe Droid. No seriously, go back and listen.

Next is a new robot of some kind. It is ultra adorable. This is very similar to an artist's concept of unconfirmed droid concept art that has been floating around. It's a ball with a split in the middle so the head can be propped up while the droid rolls around. Allegedly, this little thing belongs to Daisy Ridley's character. But more on her later. Also, it's making this wonderful little Star Wars beep beep booop noise.

NEW FUCKING STORMTROOPER HELMETS. *PASSES OUT*

Olly Moss makes an interesting point...

Could the one in the middle be Boyega?

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Cut to a blurry image of an armed stormtrooper holding what looks like a blaster. Clearly, director J.J. Abrams isn't ready to give up his new blaster concept just yet. So maybe we shall see an upgrade from the standard, E-11 blaster rifle.

And getting ready to...take the beach? This amount of armed stormtroopers, getting ready to run out and seemingly kick some rebel ass on this transport drop implies a whole list of things. Perhaps the teaser is implying that the Empire is not down, and certainly not done. If they still have the manpower and firepower, why would they be? Not every single soldier and general had to be aboard the Death Star in Return of the Jedi. The revolution may not be over. Even 30 years later (when Star Wars: The Force Awakens picks up), the fight is still very much on. Earlier rumors suggest that one scene in Episode 7 depicts a group of stormtroopers burning down a village, could this be that assault?

On to another new character, meet Daisy Ridley. She's rumored to be playing a character named Kira which is 100% not confirmed, but that hasn't stopped every single commenter (and ourselves) from calling her that. And while we're kicking around rumors, she's also alleged to be the daughter of Han and Leia. One thing we do know is that this ride she's mounting has been spotted before in leaked concept art, and the presence of this glider kind of corroborates that past art a bit. If you want to check out more shots of the desert planet, look here.

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Like Boyega and the droid, Daisy is also on a desert and planet and—oh hell, it looks just like Tatooine. A lot of rumors have been pushing that this is a NEW desert planet, not Tatooine. But our heart beats Tatooine.

Plus, we're suspicious of the all the "No it's another planet" rumors. Seems a little thou-doth-protest-too-much.

UPDATE: Note the goggles on Daisy's head turns out those are salvaged goggles from an old Stormtrooper helmet. That's a neat touch. (via Making Star Wars).

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Here's an official high-resolution shot still of Daisy's ride. It just looks great and our hearts are officially working on overdrive right now.

Another new character! It's Oscar Isaac in a Rebel Alliance wingsuit. It's beautiful. Can anyone read the Aurebesh on his jacket? UPDATE: It's translated!

Our own James Whitbrook pointed out that the symbol on Oscar's cheek kind of resembles the signage on Biggs Darklighter and Jek Tono Porkins' past uniforms. Could this be a squad sign? Or maybe it's just a scratch.

And oh sweet jesus, new X-Wings. Check out how the X-Wings' S-Foils open. This is clearly a new addition or change (or possibly an upgrade). Remember 30 years have passed, so things change. Plus, you gotta be able to sell new toys.

The narrator returns and says, "The Dark Side, and the Light." So his message is "There has been an awakening. Have you felt it? The Dark Side and the Light." Any guesses as to what that means?

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And now this guy. The trailer switches from the desert planet of not Tatooine to a colder place. So far we've only heard of two planets that will be showcased in Episode 7, a desert planet (that is supposedly not Tatooine) and an ice planet. This appears to be the latter.

The cloaked figure stumbles through the wind and reveals a new lightsaber with a tiny little (and probably very dangerous) crossguard. Note the way the saber crackles, sputters and flickers as it's switched on—this is a sign of shoddy workmanship. Does this mean the lightsaber was cobbled together in secret? Is this person meddling with things they have no idea how to handle?

Here is the official high-resolution shot of the new saber, so go ahead and start ogling.

We've seen this lightsaber before, in super freaky concept art showing a masked person holding the lightsaber. There has been A LOT of speculation about the person wielding this weapon, and it is deeply spoilery — so maybe head over here if you want to know more.

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At first pass, I thought this might be actor Adam Driver, who has been cast in this movie and is rumored to be the villain. But I'm not so sure anymore.

CUE THE MOTHERFUCKING JOHN WILLIAMS, IT'S THE MILLENIUM FALCON .

The MF is back and looking better than ever. Note the desert planet location, and note that she is being attacked by TIE Fighters! This means the Empire (or perhaps its successor) still has massive firepower at their disposal, and that they are still not afraid to attack. Interesting. And oh hell, we're crying again.

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And FYI

And we shall end this with a high-resolution shot of the Millenium Falcon, WITH a brand-new, rectangular radar dish.