What the hell was that? No, really — what the heck is going on with True Blood? After half the cast got high and started giving each other piggyback rides, I had to just throw my hands in the air and say "Fuck it!" Put the werewolf in board shorts for some barnyard calisthenics — because this is True Blood town, where your logic is shot in the head (just like the characters). There's no reasoning with it anymore, this series is just pure insanity. At least Steve Newlin is back, for reasons. But let me break it down Pro/Con style shall we?
Con: Meloni is dead. What a waste. What a terrible, terrible waste. I know many of you pointed out that on IMDB or something he was noted for additional episodes, we can only assume that these are flashbacks. And as Russell would say, flashbacks are for pussies. I want real-time Vampire Meloni. In a show that has more useless characters than Luna has lives, letting Meloni go so early on — and when he was just about out of Vampire Bible mumbojumbo to spit out — well, it's a damn shame.
Con: Also ruined with Meloni's death, the beautiful pair of Vampire Golf Pants Meloni's sweet ham shanks made dance.
Con: So Meloni is dead, and instead we get Vampire Night Vision. So the prisoner has escaped, and is captured again with a net, as you can plainly see. But is then set free? I don't understand this coup. There are clearly other members that do not believe in the Sanguinista movement — why don't they take the place? Russell is clearly subdued, so their best weapon is down... why do they let him out?
Pro: During the Vampire Night Vision skirmish, Eric was stapled to the wall. Important.
Pro: This was all under 2 minutes. TRUE BLOOD!
Pro: "We're testing her luminescence." "I'm going to send my light through her and if the fae in her is strong." Ha! Fae CSI. I guess if we must keep beating this old fae plot line, I'm happy they can pepper it with lines like these, while the actors wave their hands about.
Pro: Jason is killing it in this scene: "Let's just plug her in and charge her up." Yes. Lets.
Pro: "TMI Coroner Spencer," you said it, Kevin. TMI.
Con: This again.
Pro: Hoyt's eyeliner is still all over his face. Aw. And another Pro for joining a hate group with someone named Dragon. Oh dear me. Count down until they kidnap Jessica and Hoyt has to make the decision: his old love, or the new love of Dragon.
Con: Molly, Eric and Bill are in Vampire Jail? Then why does Molly get a computer? Or if she's not in jail, why would she be allowed to type on her computer outside of the prisoner's jail cell? I don't... understand.
Pro: Surprise: Russell is a Lilith thumper now.
Pro: Eric immediately tells Nora to go fuck herself. Ha! There's actually lots of great swearing in this scene. Bill even gets in on the act a little. "Bullshit, you can't play the grieving widow and the leader of the coup!" And finally "Bible-Banging Cunts!" Good job everyone!
Con: The night Bill and Eric buried Russell, Salome followed them to the construction site — so that's how she knows. The end. Aren't we all glad we spent copious non-Meloni time humping down this mystery? What a rewarding discovery!
Pro: I don't for a second believe this born-again bullshit from Russell.
Pro: Werewolf training montage. I don't know what is more ridiculous: Alcide's bandanna (Hey Alcide!) or Alcide's bandanna.
Pro: This is how I just naturally walk around.
Pro: Oh dear me, I love this totally hokey completely adorable wedding video. Who else wishes we could have seen this for real? We need more happiness on this show — and not like "I just banged my Vampire Brother" happy, legit emotion. This video is truly sweet and not just because it has adorable vintage Hoyt and Jessica along with Jesus and Lala (pre gross Jesus stitched lips corpse head) but because it shows the reasons we started caring about this town, the wacky, lovable people! And no Tara!
Con: True Blood wanted us to know that the Sheriff cheats on his wife. Don't you all feel better because of this?
Con/Pro: Although the actress who plays Tara is an insanely beautiful girl and looked like Danger Sex Magic in that leather... um bathing suit... bikini? Anyway, she looked great and she was totally doing her little vampire strip show very well. However, did anyone else feel weird watching this? Perhaps I didn't want Tara to find her inner strength on the pole? Or maybe it was the music? Something just didn't quite match up here. Thankfully after this scene, shit finally got real for this character.
PRO: OH MY GOD THE CRIMPED HAIR! I die.
Pro: Tara's Mom shows up to remind everyone that she's a genuinely garbage person with garbage for brains and garbage for a soul. But that's OK, because we already knew that about her. But what we learned was that Tara has now cracked opened the pink lacquered heart of Pam. And there was a glorious hug. If anyone can elevate Tara's path, it's gotta be Pam. Oh, sweet Jesus with a curling iron, that hair is amazing!
Con: ANOTHER RELIGIOUS VAMPIRE CEREMONY.
Con: Christopher Heyerdahl, most likely for questioning the amount of Religious Vampire Ceremonies per episode. I will miss you Heyerdah and your melodious barritone. If there was a wise old turtle in the cartoon re-teling of Rudyard Kipling's Rikki-Tikki-Tavi he would have your voice, sir.
Con: So everyone drinks Lilith's blood and they get really high and walk around New Orleans. Newly discovered fact: Watching vampires get stoned is just as exciting as watching your neighbors get stoned and spend three hours looking for their keys. (Another fact: the keys are always in their pocket.)
Pro: Oh, and Rev. Steve Newlin is back now. So that's good, we missed him. I can understand his character's motivations: He's a chameleon when it comes to power, so this makes sense. I just wish we'd maybe been privy to how this changeover of power happened.
Pro: But out of the whole stoned vampire mess came this one, truly beautiful moment. Eric gave Bill a piggyback ride.
Thank you Samantha May for the gif!
Pro: Oh so while all this other crazy stuff has been happening, Lala went to (a place I forget) to save Jesus' soul form the evil magic man. Which means, we had to be subjected to this horror. Not only is Jesus' dead head stuck on a microwave, with his lips sewn together — but Lala gets jumped, and the same horrific shit happens to him. Only to be sliced open slowly...so slowly thread by thread. Revolting. I guess this was how season five one-ups the whole UTI-inducing dirt sex scene between Bill and Sooks.
Pro: Karaoke with Russell, you can't even put a price on it.
Pro: So the gang of high vampires descend on this bar full of people, to eat them. Okay, sure — why not? Is anyone else getting the distinct feeling we're all just watching an elaborate writing exercise? Do you think Ball just shows up into the writers room with a beret full of various locations and actions and makes everyone pick from the hat? "Ok we've got a... REHEARSAL DINNER....at a.....KARAOKE CLUB.....in.... NEW ORLEANS......and they..... ALL DIE.... noooow go!" But then again, Russell Karaoke, so.
Con: Sookie has a flashback of something we saw 45 minutes ago.
Pro: Jessica bites Jason, Jason SHOOTS HER IN THE HEAD. I run around the apartment screaming.
Pro: Lilith shows up, coughs up red chalk on Nora, I'm still screaming.
Pro Baby-faced Godric shows up, and now there are officially one million people in this episode.
THE END. I don't even know what to say, it's just total lunacy. I didn't even write about the laughing Ifrit in this one, because there was too much, and that "suicide is for Muslims" line should be taken into the shed and beat with a belt. But even though we are conflicted I will always *heart hand symbol* you True Blood.
Until next week, may all your "You Light Up My Life" karaoke jams be met with a super hot naked lady covered in blood and Casper.