Last night's episode of True Blood felt like a classic. They put Jason in a pair of He-Man jammies and then had his mom ask him if he wanted a blow job. Take that, White Walkers! In other True Blood news, Sookie is infinitely more fun when she's drunk. But let me break it down for you pro/con style.
Pro: HEEEEEEEEEY ALCIDE! Alcide and Sooks are finally about to rub their nasty bits together, when Sookie vomits on his shoes. AW. She was nervous. It was pretty spectacular. Second only to the following...
Pro: Bill and Eric doing their "cool guy" stands in the doorway. Ha. Eric looks cool — Bill looks, well, like a flopsy-headed mime. The way he always does. It's perfect.
Pro: Meanwhile Lala is having a full fledged panic attack in his Purple Rain home. His collection of religious idols dance and whisper "You're fucked now!" and "Life is suffering." Lala smashes them on the floor. It's completely wicked and exactly the kind of True Blood we have been missing out on for some time.
Con: Blah blah Terry Iraq.
Pro: Jason has a wild dream where he wakes up in old timey He-Man pajammas. I'm unbelievably upset with myself for still finding him insanely attractive in said PJs.
Pro: The whole dream sequence is exceptionally messed up. Just like old dirt orgy True Blood times. Especially when his mother leaned forward and asked Jason about the aforementioned blow job. YIKES.
Pro: I kept Jason's ass shot in there because I love you all.
Pro: Arlene's perfectly placed hand.
Pro: Eric, Bill and Alcide all start BARKING at each other. That means at one time, there was a sentence in the script that said Vampire Bill, Vampire Eric and the werewolf Alcide all start barking at each other.
Pro: Sookie leaves like this.
Con:Cut to Fangtasia, where Tara is all hot and a vampire now. Tara says, "If I wanted to look like a Drag Queen, I would have raided Lafayette's closet." So wait — she doesn't like the outfit that she's swaying around in? Because she's certainly not acting like it. Fine, go put your Fangtasia shirt back on and leave. I can't follow this character's mood swings. One minute she is jumping in front of a gun to save Sookie's life, then she hates Sookie and talks so much shit on her. Now she's all, "Yay sexy vampires, lets get quivery fangboners and eat people." But I thought she hated vampires. Why not join the supernatural killing gang?
Pro: Instead Tara is now the bartender of Fangtasia. And serves the first vampire from the pilot episode (maybe).
Pro: Excellent quote from Pam, while she is punishing Tara for trying to feed in public: "I saved your life and lent you some truly exquisite clothes."
Con: Russell looks like Voldemort at the train station in the final Harry Potter movie.
Con: Nora is possibly the person who released Russell, or the Vampire with the magical vagina and the wig. Probably the one with the wig. Because SURPRISE: No-one cares.
Pro: The True Death Vampire clean up crew.
Pro: Salome goes to see Meloni, who is really upset because the child vampire he killed drafted the vampire rights amendment. Which is about meaningful as those "I just finished my run" posts on Facebook. Unless the Vampire Rights Amendment went, GIVE US HISTORICAL VAMPIRE FLASHBACKS OF ERIC AND BILL DOING IT. OR GIVE US DEATH! Anyway, Meloni is angry, because everyone is a traitor.
Pro: Remember the Shifters? Of course you don't. Well too bad, they're still taking up time. And not with weird shifter horse orgies. Andy and Jason smash about the crime scene, each coming to his own conclusion. Andy realizes that he "fucked a fairy," and Jason is pretty sure his parents were murdered by vampires, because the sexy tea pot from Beauty and the Beast said so.
Con: This whole Ifrit thing.
Con: Tara and Jessica are friends now. Jessica is adorable and gives Tara the "it gets better" speech. And just in case you're socially retarded and haven't felt the blunt end of this social agenda plotline getting ham-fisted up your backside, Jessica goes on to say that all of Tara's new feelings of desire and stuff are not bad, they're awesome. Be gentle with us, Ball!
Pro: On the plus side, at least someone is finally talking some sense into Tara.
Pro: "Alcide, are we going to talk about the fact that I puked on your shoes?" "Nope."
Pro: I just now noticed that whenever Sookie reads someone's mind True Blood plays this creepy ding, ding, dong, dong, plink, plink piano music. Ha! She has mind-reading music! Excellent.
Pro: Eric and Bill get into a cat fight about Nora, and physically hiss at each other like cats.
Pro: Molly comes back for a hot minute. She's adorable.
Pro: Russell Edgington is in the old abandoned insane asylum. Of course he is! Why didn't they check there first? Hey do you know the creepiest place we could keep an eccentric old vampire from thousands of years ago? Ah, an abandoned hospital, this will do perfectly.
Con: Just for this episode, or until Terry is with Arlene again (which is when he is at his most awesome), I'm just going to ignore this Iraq plot for now.
Con: Hoyt looks like this now.
Pro: Lafayette's Mom pops up, sees Jesus' severed head with sewn up lips, looks at it and says, "Jesus? Where have you been?" I love this woman. Also, she can understand what he's saying even with his lips sewn shut.
Pro: The people who are hunting "supes" (as Andy called them) are wearing Obama masks. Uh oh! Another political scandal for HBO!