HBO's first trailer for season five of True Blood is packed with bloody spoilers. Get your first look at the return of the king, new vampire weapons, strange hookups, and the brand new look Hoyt is channeling. Watch the trailer, then check out our screencap breakdown in this giant fangbanging gallery.

Hoyt is a Goth now. A Goth who likes vampires to bite on his neck — including boy vampires to bite on his neck. He looks like he got his outfit from Hot Topic. I'm livid.

Vampire Bill is stuck in a Vampire Cage, getting his Vampire Face melted off.

Fairies in Bowler Hats. Now and forever.

Sookie is crazy upset over something she just buried. Dollar to donuts, that's Tara. Which sucks because whatever is looming behind her looks mystical. I'm telling you, Tara is coming back as a miserable zombie.

Pam and Eric, naked. WHAT, WHAT?

Chris Meloni is THE AUTHORITY. Let's go fondle some sweaters.

Vampire Bill and Vampire Eric team up to save their own asses from Russell Edgington and The Authority. These two together, sans Sookie, is one giant reason this season could very well be the best season ever. Fingers crossed for Vampire Spooning!

Our first ever Historical Vampire Flashback! It's Vampire Downton Abbey!

Steve Newlin wants to "harvest all the humans" for his newly found vampire hunger. From one extreme to the other, makes sense.

The Authority bows to a vial of blood. The original vampire?

Chris Meloni delivers this voice over about how vampires acting like "savages" will only make the humans will rise up. Then there's this shot of hot vampire netting action. Are the nets made of silver?

Bill has a new girl. Let's hope her name is "KellAY" or "Saruh" or "Bobbi SUH."

My favorite part of the trailer. Baby Vamp Jessica says "My Dad's the King!" to which Newlin responds "Not anymore!" These two in a room together? Excellent. Jessica and Newlin are both such ridiculous creatures, I'm expecting some screamingly funny dialogue.

Sam is tied up. We're assuming this is a magical plot-hole-fixing neck strap, because why doesn't he just turn into a fly?

Zorro Vampire.

ALL HAIL THE KING!