I don't need to tell you that cell phones are evil. They play obnoxious ringtones, inspire people to yell loudly into bluetooth headsets on the bus — and they always lose signal when zombies are chasing you. Plus, they sometimes turn everyone into supersoldiers filled with bloodlust. And don't even get me started on the oversized chiclets of pure nastiness that are smart phones.
Just in case you aren't already aware of the horrors that your cell phone can bring down upon you, here are ten tales that will persuade you forevermore.
Top illustration inspired by Cell by Darek Kocurek.
1. Final Crisis
In this comic series, Darkseid sends the anti-life equation out into the world via every communication channel, but especially cell phones. You'll note in this picture from one of the books that the anti-life equation fits perfectly onto a Blackberry, which makes perfect sense.
2. "Microwave vs. Cell Phone"
This viral video, which has gone through many iterations on YouTube, was the first definitive proof that dark monsters lurked within ordinary cell phones.
3. "Rise of the Cybermen/The Age of Steel," from Doctor Who
In this Doctor Who story, Rose and the Doctor arrive in an alternate history London, to find that people are being controlled by little bluetooth-esque earpieces — and turned into the Doctor's ancient enemy, the Cybermen! This is proof that if you wear those bluetooth headsets, eventually evil cyborgs from beyond time will infiltrate your consciousness and force you to march around screaming DELETE DELETE.
4. The Signal
Like many of these stories, including the Darkseid plot in Final Crisis, The Signal is about a terrifying force that comes through many communications media — in this case, it starts with televisions. But it eventually infiltrates everything, including radio and cell phones. Basically, a strange noise starts coming out of everybody's TVs and it sends them into a brutal rage, turning the city of Atlanta into a blood-slicked pile of dismembered bodies. We never know if it's some kind of science experiment gone horribly wrong, but this flick will definitely inspire you to keep the TV and your cell phone off for the next month.
5. Person of Interest
The entire premise of this new hit show is that you're being spied on all the time, mostly via your smart phone. Do you know why? Because computer mastermind Finch has invented a special app called "Forced Pairing," which allows his muscle, Reese, to stand next to you and own up your phone with the press of a button. Once you've been forced to pair with Reese, he can track your movement via GPS, listen to all your calls, read all your texts, and find out everything about your naughty little life. And if "Forced Pairing" can do all that, imagine what the unforced pairings you have with your data provider can do. That's right — YOU'RE BEING WATCHED. Do what Reese and Finch do in like every episode, and be sure to smash your cell phone right now.
6. One Missed Call
This is one of several American flicks based on popular Japanese horror films that involve haunted technology. The Ring gave us haunted videocassettes, but One Missed Call gives us a ghosty monstery thing who calls your cell phone to say you're going to die — AND YOU'LL GET HER MESSAGES EVEN IF YOU TAKE OUT THE BATTERY. Whoa! Do you know how much it costs to receive a text message from a demon? All I'm saying is that there are no data plans that include Hell.
7. White Noise
In this movie, we learn all about "scientists" who can record the voices of the dead. They're on your MP3 players! They're on your cell phone! The dead! See my earlier point about he expense of receiving calls and texts from the dead. Basically this movie is all about the horror of out-of-network cell phone charges.
In the incredible series finale of Dollhouse, the evil masterminds at Rossum Corporation figure out how to remotely wipe and reprogram people's brains — via cell phone. Everyone, all over the world, gets a phone call that turns them into psycho killers. It's basically like The Signal, except with a much more interesting and fleshed-out science fiction world backing up the scenario. Human brains are now part of a computer network, which means that attackers in Estonia can deliver neurological denial of service attacks. See, this is what your cell phone means. Your brain belongs to Anonymous! Or Rossum. Either way, you're fucked.
OMG there is a place on the internet that is eating people's souls, and it travels through cell phone towers! The only way you can escape is to find a place where you have no bars of signal! Watch Veronica Mars run around with Damon from Vampire Diaries looking super upset and staring at the signal strength on her cell phone while pasty-faced demons from the internet make howling noises. And it's all your fault, for carrying a cell phone and reading things on the internet.
10. Cell, by Stephen King
This novel, where everybody receives cell phone calls that turn them crazy, is really the most straightforward argument against cell phones you'll ever read. Answer the phone and turn into a lunatic full of bloodlust. I've seen it happen many times. Only King was brave enough to write a whole novel about it.