Last week, the $12-million, superhero-themed Victoria's Secret lingerie show graced New York with a cadre of ladies wearing nothing but capes, wings, tights, and meaningful gazes directed toward a non-existent dot somewhere on the horizon.
And even though nobody wore teflon or utility belts, the ladies had plenty of savvy methods of stopping crooks, like glow sticks, heels, and dazzlingly bright teeth.
But are any of their outfits field-worthy? From this sample below, I'd reckon a good 70% are. In the underwear industry, the term "superhero" is extremely flexible, like "cowboy" or "astronaut."
Just check out that nice lady above. She dressed up as Wolverine's haircut. Now Wolverine's haircut never fought crime solo, but it was integral to many thrilling adventures. Ergo, we'll be judging each of these ensembles according to a Crime-Fighting Appropriateness Score, the criteria of which is locked in a psychic bunker in my brain. Shall we?
First off, let's start with this dapper madam. She is dressed as Deathstroke the Terminator. I imagine that cape is bulletproof. I also really like how they catered to the Plymouth Plantation demographic and obscured her ankles. Have to maintain some mystery!
Is she supposed to be a superhero? Of course not. She's the chandelier in the Fortress of Solitude, which has no bathrooms.
As evinced from this photo, the "Sexy Gargoyle" look will be very in this season. Also — as this photo demonstrates — rapping sleazy dudes in tight pants you meet at the bus stop are the ultimate accoutrement.
This costume is just okay, but the model is totally committed to her craft. How do I know? She's totally making the Jack Kirby face. You know, like Darkseid. I bet she knows the Anti-Life Equation by heart. PS: Another rapping bystander! This trend is pure wildfire.
"Why yes, my costume is X-Factor-era Warren Worthington III as drawn by Walt Simonson. And here I was afraid nobody would notice."
No, Victoria's Secret! The Princess on the Candyland game board does not qualify as a superhero!
"These wings represent the guilt Peter Parker was burdened with after he allowed that burglar to escape from that warehouse where he suplexed Macho Man Randy Savage. Also, Tobey Maguire."
This one's a little bit obscure, but she's clearly Prez's Secretary of Agriculture. Those glow sticks better be filled with thermite.
"I am the Spider-Woman of Earth-97382, where Colossus married Susan Storm, J. Jonah Jameson is a state senator, and — thanks to Doctor Doom's sinister machinations — every human being is now allergic to trousers."
Strong Bad isn't technically a superhero, but nobody could convince her otherwise.
"Superheroes? What are you talking about? I'm dressed up as Falcor's ear."
The Victoria's Secret models will display their thrilling body armor when the show airs on CBS at 10:00 PM, November 29.