Many new moons ago, we gave you the 30 Most Disturbing Twilight Products. It's been two years since then — and tons more ridiculous Twilight merchandise has been shilled to the legions of Twihards across the globe. Here is our second collection of the most ridiculous Twilight shwag ever created.
Breaking Dawn Baking Dish
Personalize your very own baking dish with great sayings from Twilight — for reasons unbeknownst to us.
Breaking Dawn My Little Pony Wedding Set
Isn't everything just better when it's said through Ponies. Fingers crossed for the Breaking Dawn, Breaking Hymen Pony Play Kit.
Twilight Edward Wig
We can't believe this isn't easier to find. The boy's hair was the butt of everyone's jokes and eventually became so popular he got his own generic "Night Time Romeo" wig. But we all know what it really meant.
Team Charlie T-Shirt
"No one Forks with the Chief of Police" except me! Look we love Charlie and his Magnum PI mustache. And maybe we're a bit nicer to the Dads everywhere every time Bella stamps all over his heart and leaves town for ITALY. But this t-shirt made us laugh, a lot. For the Daddy Fetishist in us all.
Twilight Sex Necklace
Carry around a fake image of Bella and Edward's first time around your neck. Always.
Glow-In-The-Dark Edward Face Soap
We assume that the only reason you would need glow-in-the-dark Twilight face soap is for some good clean alone time. But even then, how does this work?
[via Dugshop on Etsy]
Bella Inspired Deodorant
Now your pits can smell just like Bella's pits.
Cullen Car Cover
The Cullens are terrible, horrible drivers! This is not a compliment to your driving skills. Officer, pull these folks over immediately. Also, sometimes they steal cars. Officer!
Any And All of The "Covered In Feathers" Merchandise
After Bella and Edward rub nasty bits for their first time, Bella blacks out. She then wakes up and is all "why am I covered in feathers?" Edward's response was that he got so carried away (with the sex) that he bit a bunch of pillows. Bella remembers none of this. Wearing this quote on your body would be like me walking around town with a "Squeal Like A Pig" necklace. It's just weird, people.
Bella Swan Diorama of Bella Playing Herself at Chess
Now you can witness the supernatural penis puzzle going on inside Bellas head! No surprise here, it makes about just as much sense as Bella's reasoning. So, great centerpiece, everyone. And it's only $150.
Twilight Panty Party
Ever since the release of the horrifying Edward crotch-mouth Twilight Panties, the underwear market has been hot, hot, hot for some cold, cold vampire lovin. Behold the best of the Twilight Panty Party — our favorite is the Cullen baseball team briefs, because it's obscure enough that you might not get shamed in the locker room for putting a Cullen on your cooter.
UPDATE: "Team Edward" panties are for girls. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Reusable Twilight Baby Diapers
For tiny super fans.
Just a reminder for those first timers that when he does sleep with you, he may or may not try to kill you.
[via Twilight Blog]
Obsessive. Cullen. Disorder.
Twilight Sparkle Collection
To make your hair just like his! Gigantic!
[Twilight Sparkle Collection via Meijer]
EDIT: The WHOLE TWILIGHT LINE, thanks Kate!
Edward Body Pillows
Yep, there are more than one. Choose from the Edward body pillow that you can straddle, or the one with manilla pillow arms. Never sleep alone again.
The demon spawn of Edward and Bella! ATTACK, EVIL BABY, ATTACK.
[Found at Dollfan]
Edward Tampon Case
Crack open Edward's felt head and shove your lady goods down his neck — it's a Twilight tampon case! Hey at least it's not as bad as the reusable menstrual pad where the wearer physically bleeds all over some random vampires abs.
Imprinted Vagina T-Shirt
So everyone will know, you now belong to a werewolf and he has left his mark on your vagina. Forever.
UPDATE: Commenters think that this is a maternity shirt, which only makes it worse.
Twilight Embryo Ornaments
Because, fuck your God!
Edward Doll With Steve Buscemi Eyes
Made entirely of dryer lint, possibly — the creepiest thing about this doll are his sad, sad eyes.
Carry around the cremated remains of your favorite shirtless werewolf. From the seller AnimaeGirl's Etsy Account:
Here's something every Twihard or even those friends of Twihards need, a little bit of Jake in a bottle. His ashes plush fur fills this little glass bottle and the bottle has been adorned with a sealed label along with a spirit wolf charm. This pendant is hung on waxed linen with two bone beads and the catch is a lobster claw design
The best part, they're only $8.00. Poor Jacob. They also sell Edward and Bella's ashes, which have sparkles in them, obviously.
Apparently this is a thing. No hate on the artists, that's a fine painted jean leg — but the idea of a million marching Twilight pants freak us out.
The World's Creepiest Twilight Pin
Sure the saying is from the book/movie. But holy crap, just simply reading that makes me feel like I should be screaming, "I NEED AN ADULT!"
No problem with the porn part, we just think the title is completely inspired. And apparently so did everyone else because now it's a porn web series (trailer above, don't worry it's PG rated). Well done Twinks of Forks.
To watch it visit Twinklight The Movie's website
Possibly inspired by the Twilight craze a few years back, we're bummed we didn't get this sex toy in our first post. But, then again any good Twihard knows that these vampires do not have fangs. Still the timing of the sex toy was uncanny (HA!).
Edward In Cat Form
Edward. In. Cat. Form.
Crochet catnip Twilight colored eyeball, because it just doesn't feel like home until your cat is rolling around a giant vampire eyeball.