Let's get right on down to vampire business, shall we? Last night's True Blood had a lot of good...and a lot of bad. I'm specifically talking about the manner in which my 4-year sex fantasy on Eric Northman was crushed with soft woodland cuddling.
But let's break it down, Pro/Con style.
Con: Eric tells Sookie she's "the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." Remember when Eric used to say snarky things like "She was superb!" after tricking Sookie to suck all of the silver out of his chest? I miss that Eric.
Pro: Eric and Sookie begin to have sexy sex True Blood style, which means a lot of writhing and gratuitous O-facing before any actual sex. More Eric sexy sex please!
Pro: Like a traveling salesman from 1995 — complete with horrific matching tie and pocket square — Bill busts in Sookie's door and catches his lady pre-vampire coitus! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Con: Eric stops the fight to submit to smelly old Bill (once Sookie announces that Beel is The King). He bows and says "My liege forgive me." All of the sexy sex drains out of the room with a loud sucking noise coming from inside my brain.
Pro: Eric goes to Vampire Jail. Bill gets to yell out the ridiculous "SILVER HIM!" phrase again (what no "Vamp Up"?) Then Vampire Jail opens from Bill's basement with a chi-chaaaw shhhhheeeeee noise. THE FUTURE IS VAMPIRE NOW.
Pro: Bill and Sookie launch into an excellent battle of who can put on the worst Southern accent. Bill wins. "Heeeiiiiissss ah lyaaaah and a maaastah maaaaneeeepuuuuulaaaaaaayyyyytaaaaaah. He wouds sayah or duh annnyaaaahthaaang tah make you heeis."
Pro: Sookie outsmarts Bill with her own smarty pants twist, "Which is it Bill?" One point Sookie.
Pro: Bill explains that it is all strictly business. VAMPIRE BUSINESS.
Con: Pam is still rotting, not OK. She needs to be fixed by the next episode. The end.
Pro: But of course our girl Pam is NOT scared about her new rotting problem. In fact when Eric asks her, "I'm sorry are you afraid?" Her response, of course, is "FUCK YOU!"
Pro: Pam continues on trying to snap Eric out of it unleashing a fabulous dialogue where she calls her maker a "viking vampire god and you bow to no one." And reminisced about the days they spent "killin', fuckin' and laughin'" as you do in Europe. Naturally this causes Eric to trigger his giant baby muscle.
Con: Just as Pam promises to return Eric back to his former self, Eric screams. "I don't want it." High School Vampire Tantrum, take one. Eric laments that he doesn't want to remember the monster that he was, and he wants to be good, wear blue sweatshirts and wishes he could forget all about the time he tapped Larry Lester's buns together. Because really, he was just doing it all to impress his old man. He tortured this poor kid because he wanted him to think that he was cool. He's always going off about how when he was in school and all the wild things he used to do. And Eric got the feeling that he was disappointed that he never cut loose on anyone, right?
Pro: The Skype noise Bill's computer made before he contacted Nan. Important sound effect is important.
Pro: Nan immediately answers Skype (as you do) and states "I'm in the middle of something!" What is she in the middle of? Oh right, VAMPIRE BUSINESS. But it's OK because King Bill is interrupting Nan's Vampire Business for more Vampire Business. TCVB, AMIRITE??????
Con: Trash Baby strikes again, burning down Terry and Arlene's house. But somehow the Trash Baby managed to get evil baby Mikey out of the house. I can only assume this is part of its Trash Powers. Either way, shame on you, Trash Baby.
Con: Excellent, another character!
Pro: Ladies and gentlemen, we give you FELIX!
Pro: Felix pees all over Terry. Terry (lovingly) shakes him like a Heinz bottle.
Con: Andy and Sam continue to say idiotic things to each other about turning into dogs and euthanizing each other, blah blah blah this plot has been going on for 5 episodes for no damn good reason. Can we please send this plot point to wherever we sent the "warring fairy troll siblings" story?
Pro: Thankfully, Andy bounces back with a few quality one-liners about how fighting crime is a hell of a workout. And then he makes a date with Jessie from Toy Story 2. Jessie almost ruins is all by exclaiming "Thank Goddess" (we get it you're a witch) but thankfully she settles on letting Andy take her out. Good. Moving on...
Pro: Tommy shifter-faces into Sam. I thought this was going to be an absolute disaster. But after the Tommy-in-Sam-skin-suit waved around his pubes Tommy-style, I knew we were in for a treat. The actor Sam Trammell did a spot on parody of Tommy. It was a lot of fun to watch.
Con: But no time for skin-swapping Parent Trap hysterics, we have to go to Mexico (sigh) and hang out with Jesus' weird Uncle (sigh again). Look, someone needed enough magical power to fight Marnie. This was not happening in Bon Temps, so Jesus and Lala had to go to Mexico and invoke the spirit The Craft style by calling the corners and shoving a rattlesnake in Jesus' face. But that was the whole point of this. And it happened, mission accomplished. So let's move forward.
Pro: Tara's sassy girlfriend is back.
Con: They have weird throat sex, it's a turn-on for Tara.
Pro: Sommy fires Sookie! Cheers! She is a terrible waitress!
Con: Maxine calls Tommy "dumber than a bucket of spit." Oh Maxy, you're better than that. Not better than that like a person, that's just a stupid insult and we have higher expectation for her cruelty.
Pro: I very much enjoy how everyone's response to the words "were-panther" are almost exactly the same as when I tell people I watch a show with were-panthers in it.
Pro: Sookie points out that if Jason turns into a panther, the handcuffs Jason is shackled to will just come off.
Con: Alcide just throws Debbie's Popeyes lunch on the floor. What. The. Shit. Alcide. Respect the spicy gravy.
Con: Unhappy Camper werewolf stops by (presumably for more analogy-laden eye-fucking with Alcide). He's even trying to be gentle this time around, and apologizes if he "Alpha-ed" Alcide "a little too hard last night. Dear Lord these two, just drop trou and do it already.
Pro: Debbie's starting to get a little twitchy. Could the return of dirty hair Debbie be right around the corner? We can only hope and wish.
Pro: Marni invokes the spirit with her fingernails. That's going to get infected.
Pro: Just in case any of you were lost on how the Spanish Massacre went down (as it was explained in detail last week) we get a whole vampire flashback face-full of it this go round. But this time from the witches' perspective, who (for reasons unbeknown to us) is wearing eye black all over her face and chest. Go team witch?
Con Someone rapes someone, because every other week on this show, somebody has to get raped.
Pro: Jason and Sooks talk about going full kitty. I kind of miss these two together. Also the last time Jason and Sookie were hanging out like this it was on Sookie's bed a few seasons back. It was creepy. This is better.
Con: Tara's back to doing what Tara does best — being the worst! Look, I'm not saying that Tara shouldn't be able to walk the streets holding the hand of whomever or whatever she wants. BUT, for Tara's character, her actions at Merlotte's were pretty nuts. Tara shows up with her new girlfriend in a not-so progressive town (Bon Temps is littered with assholes who have tried to rape, rob and murder Merlotte's employees every single season), around a bunch of drunks, holding hands and slapping her ass. DEAL WITH IT. I was incredibly surprised that she didn't get into a fight, beat someone's ass with her hot girlfriend and then complain about it later.
Pro: Jessica's face when she tells Tara that she's been promoted to server. DAW. Clearly this was Sommy's doing.
Pro: Sommy sleeps with Luna. Drama!
Con: Jessica helps Jason with his phantom were-panther tremors. This was all very very sweet. BUT WHAT ABOUT HOYT LADY? AND SIR?
Con: Tommy kicks out Luna and shifts back into himself. But not before Luna could tell him that having sex with someone for the first time felt like having sex with someone for the first time. Oy. Tommy then shifts back into his true form, which looks a lot like a gas leak.
Pro: Jason and Jessica share a really wonderful moment in the woods, despite the off possible Twilight reference shot. When Jessica talks about why she likes being a vampire (and some of the downsides) my heart just melted into a million pieces. She is easily the best character on this series.
Con: Bill and Eric's back-and-forth before his true death. Eric has now totally and completely transformed into some sort of old vampire man-child. There is nothing sexy about it. And for the life of me, I can not understand how Sookie's finds this man-child sexy. Don't get me wrong, Eric is doing a great job acting innocent and lost, etc. That's fine. I just can't comprehend why anyone would want to have sex with him. It's like trying to seduce a puppy.
Con: Tara refers to herself in the third person and by her fake name. LAME.
Con: Pam is probably going to kill Tara's new girlfriend. This I can not support. This girl has made Tara a much more tolerable character this season. I would like her to stay. Toni, however, can go.
Pro: Bad-ass looks real good on Marnie.
Pro: Bill's FOREVER ALONE shot. Standing on his porch, drink in hand, close to tears. I have not stopped laughing about this moment.
Don't worry, he's got vampire business to keep him busy.
Con: Sookie and Eric end the evening boning on Bambi's front lawn. How cartoon birds didn't land on Sookie's extended hands, I'll never know. Thank you for destroying my first ever real look at Eric having sex, True Blood. Afterwards, Sookie fed, burped, re-diapered baby Eric, and laid him gently back into his baby bed cubby.
Do you know how long Some People have been waiting for a longer Eric sex scene? Do you know how many times Some People have fantasized and thought about how fantastic an Eric sex scene would play out should his ass be given the same amount of screen time as Bill's? Some People sat through vampire dirt sex for this scene. Some People needed a carnal putting-on-every-out-fit-in-your-closet-just-so-he-can-rip-them-off-then-possibly-raiding-the-basement-storage-for-your-old-prom-dress-sex just so they could get through another week of standing and waiting in the third-ring-of-hell hot subway station without stripping off their clothes and screaming RUN WITH ME PEOPLE, TO THE MOUNTAINS. TAKE OFF THE CHAINS OF HUMANITY, RUN FOR GOD'S SAKES RUN.... Some People just needed that instead of Thumper's big night out eskimo kissing.
Some People is me.
A few of these screengrabs were taken from Shadow of Reflection a great place for True Blood screengrabs!