Whoa-ho-ho there, True Blood. Last night delivered the sex fantasies out the wazoo. Let's take a ride on Jason Stackhouse's pansexual odyssey and visit Eric's handsome dreams in the wardrobe (a.k.a. Viking Vampire Narnia). We break it down, Pro/Con style.
Pro: Last week we thought True Blood was going to press repeat on the whole Mickens-shifter-dog-fighting plotline (that was terrible then and would be terrible now). But instead Tommy kills his parents. TWIST.
Pro: 1,000 pros for killing Joe Lee.
Pro: Marnie wakes up after ruining Pam's precious, beautiful face. Lala calls her a hooker and the three amigos peel the heck out of the magic circle. On the way out Marnie yells "you can't leave," or somethin' Jesus retorts "Watch us!" NICE GUY BURN.
Pro: This is how Godric says hello.
Con: Godric grabs Eric by the back of his neck and rubs his face in Sookie like some puppy that pissed on the carpet when the doorbell rings.
Con: Then they make this face together.
Pro: Eric wakes up with a vampire morning wood (GET IT!!!!!!!!!)
Pro: He's still wearing the basketball shorts.
Con: Meanwhile at Bill's house, Portia storms in and tries to argue a case for incest. Gross, Portia.
Pro: Bill scampers around his desk away from Portia like she was some grade-school bully chasing him around with a frog. Ewww, girls! Sexing my relatives! Please do not think that you have my consent....STOOOOP IT POOOORTIAAAAA, I'm tellin' The Authority! But seriously this whole "let's try and argue incest" line is disgusting. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.
Con: Eric meekly tells Sookie that "he had a bad dream." This is a person that Sookie will probably at one point have sex with.
Pro: Jessica and Hoyt are fighting after bringing the were-panther brutalized Jason back home. Despite never having saved someone after they were almost were-panther raped to death, I've still totally had this argument. These two have more chemistry and believable human drama than the entire cast of Grey's Anatomy. And one of them is a vampire.
Con: Eric is crying. STOP. And he misses his maker or was scared and or his tum-tum hurts because he has to poop, we don't really know. Again, this is someone that Sookie is going to have sex with.
Pro: Bill tells a great Dad joke about Pam's veil. Beekeepers, get it? Because she looks like a...heh...well, you get it.
Pro: Pam is no longer taking any shit. LOOK AT MY FUCKING FACE. *Crowd Goes Wild*
Pro: Quoth Lala: "Packing light and being me don't mix." Being fabulous in the face of great terror. We love you, Lafayette.
Pro: Jesus got a goat for a birthday present. As all people South of the Border who live in desert trailers do, according to True Blood.
Con: It was the best pet ever... Sorry Jesus, I'm pretty sure it's still a goat.
Con: None of those baby Jesus stabby moves look like he's even killing that goat. If anything he's just piercing the flesh and maiming it, thus causing it to slowly and painfully bleed to death, obviously. Animal rights or something! AMIRITE?
Pro: New Lafayette hairdo! (Not my favorite, but I love that he constantly changes it).
Con: Tara sucks at keeping a double life. Rule number one of leading a double life: actually use your fake name. Rule number two: getting mail doesn't blow your cover. It's a piece of paper with a name on it. Just say, "this isn't mine." The end.
Pro: Tommy puts his dead parents IN HIS CAR! HA HA HA good idea buddy!
Con: The red-headed cowgirl from Toy Story is freaking out. Also this is very convenient for Sookie. Where are the witches? Here are the witches! I mean, why wouldn't she check at the "Goddess No Witches Here" store or whatever? Or are there a lot witch emporiums in Bon Temps, like Piggly Wigglies? What was the point of this character again?
Pro: Hoyt's face when Jason tells him how many women raped him. Missing the point.
Pro: Jason starts listing off all his idiotic sexcapades like becoming a drug addict and being accused of murder and impersonating God. It's just like having old Jason back again!
Pro:Rev. Daniels and the NEW Mrs. Daniels are the singing ghost hunters.
Pro: Demons hide in corners. I'm learning so many new things this episode.
Pro: Also, major points to Terry and Arlene for putting on their church clothes for the exorcism (even the baby has a nice hat on).
Pro: Terry correcting Arlene on the smell of sage. "Smells a little like pot." "Not really."
Pro: Marnie isn't immune to Sookie's great powers of annoyance.
Pro: Okay, the séance scene was incredibly cool. It was new and bringing two characters together yada yada, great. It was pretty excellent to see that Sookie could read Marnie's mind while she was talking to the dead.
Pro: Gram's "Jedi beyond the grave" voice. Use the force, Sook!
Pro: Tommy freaking out in the car is pretty hilarious. I mean, he did kill his parents. But he's really freaking out. Then Sam makes Tommy get in the back with his dead parents! Pure joy.
Pro: Tommy's gettin' ready to kill face.
Pro: Alligator surprise!
Pro: Anyone else hear Andy scream "SHEEEEAT!" at the alligator? Wire reference? Please?
Con: Sam makes a "Jesus wept? remark. 10 points for guessing the shortest verse in the Bible? I dunno, seems pretty random for someone who is just going to brag about all the killing he did during his personal war in about 10 minutes.
Pro: Tara calls Sookie a hypocrite. Truth.
Pro: Tara spews out even more truth! "Fuck the both of you!" Good job, Tara.
Pro: Vampire security Barbie.
Pro: More horrible "Bill Art."
Con: Why wouldn't Bill glamor Marnie? "You will do everything in your power to help the vampires." Boom! Job done, king promotion on the way. Instead, he calls a vampire meeting.
Con: Worst attempt at an intimidating introduction in the history of horrible introductions: "Let me tell you who I'm not, I am not a happy camper."
Con: Alcide retorts with, "I'm currently exploring a free agency." Are stupid analogies some kind of werewolf code? For example, "A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link" really means "Let's go have hot werewolf man sex inside your van." Cause I'm assuming with the way these two are eye-fucking the shit out of each other and complimenting each others' boots, these two are about 2 minutes away from that.
Pro: Bad-ass werewolf drives a motorcycle. Obviously.
Con: And one final note about this little interaction, thank goodness for more characters and additional complicated plot lines.
Pro: Gators love marshmallows. Surprised you didn't know that.
Pro: So much Terry and Arlene in this episode! Thank you for not showing either of them doing gross things with their body parts. I like these two just the way they are.
Pro: Jason fantasizes about Jessica and Hoyt because he drank Jessica's Hoyt-rich blood. Welcome to my world!
Con: Sookie reaches out like a teddy bear to kiss Eric. Wha? This works? This seems like a mother reaching out to a child who just skinned his knee on the sidewalk, thus furthering the whole disgusting mommy fetish obsession this season has had.
Con: The "Sookie and Eric are Finally Kissing" music sounds like a DeBeers commercial.
Pro: Bill hosts a very important vampire meeting in his purple den to talk about THE MASSACRE, finally. Which means, even MORE King Cool Bill Vampire Art.
And that's about it. Pam spills the beans on Eric's mind getting wiped and Bill swooshes off. There was definitely more action in this episode, what with the séance and the vampire sting operation. And who could forget the "Hoyt on top" moment? Lord know I never will! And by the looks of the preview for next week, there will be plenty of fun. Until then, let's all dream about Hoyt screaming his own name on top of us. TRUE BLOOD.