Green Lantern comes out on Friday, and we can't wait to see how Hal Jordan's saga translates to the big screen. We can't tell you just what'll happen in the movie, but we do know one thing.
There's no way the movie can include these 16 utterly loopy storylines from the Green Lantern comics.
#1 Green Lantern gets knocked on the head. It's the thing that seems to happen most often to Hal Jordan in the early Green Lantern comics — he's flying around minding his own business, and he gets whomped in the head. Sometimes it's random tree branch falling on him. Sometimes it's a guy hitting him with a lamp. Sometimes it's ice cream hitting him in the face — because there's no defense against ice cream. Whatever it is, it always catches him by surprise. Forget Thomas "Pieface" Kalmaku — concussion is Hal Jordan's real best friend. (Ice cream pic via The Absorbascon, the home of many great Hal Jordan posts.)
#2 The mystery of Star Sapphire. Why is it that whenever the love of Hal Jordan's life, Carol Ferris, disappears, the evil alien queen Star Sapphire appears? And she looks just like Carol? Hal will never figure this one out, even after he finds an alien sapphire next to Carol's unconscious body. Meanwhile, Carol is trying to defeat Hal in battle, so she can prove that she is worthy to be Star Sapphire, Queen of the Zamarons. But she not-so-secretly wants to lose to Hal, and so she does. Leading to the greatest line of all time: "He's defeated me. How terrible. No — how wonderful!" Sure, Carol.
#3 A token person of color chides Green Lantern for being like George Bush and not caring about black people. He's helped the red-skins, the green-skins and the fish-headed skins... he's a tool of the blue-skins. But what has he ever done for the black-skins? Answer me that, Hal.
#4 Hal and Ollie set off to look for America. It's a totally deep sixties moment, man. As a result of that little confrontation, Hal realizes he's lost touch with America, or something. And his personal Jiminy Cricket, Green Arrow, delivers a huge speech to Hal and the Guardians about how MLK and RFK died, man, and if you were really a man, you'd care, but nooo Hal is just a tool of the man, and he's not a man, because a man eats five-alarm chile and grows crazy pointy facial hair. This speech is so moving, Hal and one of his little blue taskmasters both agree to get in an old pickup truck and travel around America helping out poor downtrodden miners and Native Americans. Oh, and it was around this time that Ollie's sidekick, Speedy, revealed that his code name really should have been Smacky instead. But that's more of a Green Arrow storyline than a Green Lantern storyline, I guess.
#5 Hal gets a sidekick who won't get addicted to heroin. First Hal became the mentor to an incredibly goofy young legacy superhero, Airwave 2, whose power involved just traveling along radio waves. (And he always had to include the 2 in his name, IIRC.) But then he got an even better sidekick — Itty, an alien starfish that sat on Hal's shoulder throughout all his adventures. Then Itty dies, and Hal buries the little guy in a grave, with a headstone and everything. Awww. But then a weird monster turns up and starts trashing everything, and it turns out to be Itty — back from the grave! Except Itty's not so itty any more. Did Itty get hooked on smack after all? We'll never know, since he took off soon afterwards.
#6 Hal steps in on Guy Gardner's psychic girlfriend. Hal thinks that his fellow Green Lantern, Guy Gardner, is dead. So he decides to honor Guy's memory the best way he can — by stealing Guy's girlfriend, the psychic lady Kari Limbo, who insists on referring to herself as a gypsy. At one point, she says Guy was a good man, "and I've known many." Kari keeps hearing people shouting her name when nobody else is around, or maybe those sound effects are just her listening to her theme song. "KARI LIMBO! KARI LIMBO!" She slowly lets go of Guy Gardner and falls for the irrestible charms of Hal — this happens over like 10 issues. Finally, she lets Hal into her "secret place," which is concealed by an AWESOME bead curtain, of course. They finally decide to get married, and you'll never guess who shows up at their wedding — the supposedly dead Guy Gardner! (In issue #122, which I somehow don't manage to have a copy of.)
#7 Who is the Predator? So Hal gets over Kari Limbo pretty quickly — in fact, as soon as the wedding's off, he never mentions her again. Instead, he goes back to being obsessed by Carol Ferris, his original love interest. But every time he starts to get close to Carol, something gets in the way. And every time she needs him to help out as Green Lantern, those blue-skinned bastards, the Guardians, summon him to go save another planet from blowing up. It all comes to a head when some bad guys are trashing Carol's company, Ferris Industries, but Hal is forced to run off and save a planet instead of helping out. Suddenly, a mysterious figure named the Predator shows up and saves at least some of Carol's father's empire. The Predator starts romancing Carol with his pointy mask and funny shoulder-pads. Meanwhile, Hal decides to give up being Green Lantern so he can be with Carol full time and be there for her whenever she needs him. She's thrilled — for about five minutes. But really, she's bored with Hal once he's not Green Lantern any more. And he's not that much use to her without his ring. She invites him to come stay at her house — but only in the servant's quarters, and he has to pay rent. Ouch. Then Predator shows up and starts romancing her again! And he beats the crap out of Hal. It turns out Predator has a nefarious scheme for romancing Carol and taking over her company... but then the book's writers change a couple times, and suddenly we find out that Predator is actually the male half of Carol's personality, which she's been repressing. No, really. And when he plays a magic organ, her male and female halves will integrate.... turning her back into Star Sapphire. Because it's a magic organ. No, it doesn't really make any sense.
#8 Sinestro pretends to be gay. Or does he? During the "Millennium" crossover, our heroes capture the evil Sinestro, who used to be a Green Lantern until his mustache became too awesome. But Sinestro is a resourceful bastard, and he hits on a foolproof scheme — pretending to be gay and hitting on the outrageous gay stereotype, Extrano. Or is Sinestro really gay? We asked the writer of this issue, Steve Engelhart, and he told us that Sinestro would sleep with just about anyone, to achieve his villainous goals. (Oh, and as commenter Speednuts points out, later the stereotypical gay character, Extrano, gets infected with HIV by an "AIDS vampire" named Hemo-Goblin. Because it was the late 1980s, and all teh gays had to have AIDS. And Hemo-Goblin is a kewl name for an AIDS vampire.)