It's time to rehash last night's riveting episode of The Event. Because who wouldn't want to watch Vicky get drunk and pretend she's on Burn Notice? Or see Martinez yell KILL EM ALL for like the fortieth time?
This episode was incredibly boring even for a show that has really explored all the ways boredom can be deployed and enjoyed.
A story of three annoying arguments
Basically the meat of the episode was about the standoff between the newly evil President Martinez and the aliens, who decided stupidly to meet in a church in the middle of Los Angeles. Martinez is going to continue with his "use our illegally dispatched special forces guys against the aliens" thing. Even though Sterling says, "Dude, you're going to kill them and even I can't deal with how violent that is, despite the fact that I murdered my girlfriend once." There are a lot of tight shots of Martinez looking firm and murdery, and saying things like, "Use any means necessary" and "Take them out."
Meanwhile Sterling is thinking about how that alien gave her life for him, and how much he wants to torture and interrogate the aliens and what a bummer it is that when they're dead he can't do that. So there's some tension.
At the same time, Martinez has about twenty conversations with Sophia on her iPhone which sound like this:
Sophia: You can't do this.
Martinez: You have lied to me. You have ten minutes to surrender.
Sophia: You don't understand!
Martinez: You have lied to me. I'm done playing games!
Sophia: Don't do this!
And then they get off the phone and Sophia yells at Thomas and blames him for everything. Then they have an argument that goes like this (yes this really happened about three times):
Sophia: It's your fault! You forced us into violent confrontation!
Thomas: Humans are the violent ones.
Sophia: You started it!
Thomas: I did what I had to do.
Sophia: Leadership is hard and requires sacrifice.
Thomas: You hid in jail instead of being a leader.
Sophia: All you did was unite our people in a rhetoric of fear.
And then eventually they cried and made up and Thomas' girlfriend was seriously pissed off.
Meanwhile, another annoying argument happened between Leila and her dad Michael, which I won't bother describing other than to say it involved a lot of expressionlessness and "I wanted to know and you didn't tell me stuff" and "It's all my fault because I'm your father" crap. And now Leila is going to have to be firebombed with everybody else because of Michael.
If you follow the guilt trip path through the episode, which seems to be the only path available, I think it would look like this: Leila is in danger which is Michael's fault for not "telling her everything," which is Thomas' fault because he's violent, which is Sophia's fault for being a bad mom, which is all Martinez' fault because he put her in jail, which is (I think) Dempsey's fault for sucking child blood and dancing with angels in France.
Which reminds me - WTF is this whole "guardian angel" crap?
While everybody is figuring out who is in charge of the guilt trip, we're going on a special trip to France with Dempsey - who is being followed irritatingly by Sean and Vicky. Once again, Sean reminded us twice that he can make Vicky's son's information "go viral on the internet," and she said, "oh noes not the I love you virus ok I can haz special charter plane to France pls?" And then they go to visit her friend "Henri" in his "safe house" which is covered in signs that say "tabernac" because that's all the French they know in Vancouver or wherever this show is filmed.
Yes I'm getting to the angel thing - don't worry.
So anyway there is this whole predictable arc where Sean is obviously into Vicky and she's obviously into him and then they all get drunk at Henri's place - because that's what you do in safe houses, is eat cheese and drink wine. And Vicky tells some drunk story about being too drunk to kill a target when she was in the CIA so she called off the hit and drove away completely drunk and ran into a car and killed the driver - but luckily it was the target! Hahaha isn't it funny that CIA agents drive drunk and kill people??? That shows that Vicky is actually a good person because she used to be CIA! See? Turns out she was "burned," which is why she's now a mercenary drunk instead of doing it for the US government. Awww, now Sean really wants to hook up with her. And I'm yearning to watch Burn Notice, which is full of burned agents I actually care about who hurl good lines around and NEVER EVER BORE ME.
OK now for the fucking angel thing. Dempsey is doing some giant archaeological dig in France, and his chief scientist guy tells him he's found a bunch of bottles full of dead sea scrolls as well as a "chamber" which he "entered." And Dempsey says goddamn I told you not to enter the chamber - oh well I'll kill you now. So he kills him, which is probably good because now some poor postdoc might have a chance to get a tenure-track job.
He tosses aside the dead sea scroll bottles and tromps through some caves to the "chamber," which is full of neolithic-looking drawings of teeny figures standing around a BIG WHITE GIANT. And then he tells his assistant about how "every religion in the world has guardian angels, but they are just symbols." And yeah, you guessed it: He concludes his speech by asserting, "But they are very very very very very very very real." Yes, that's right people. This show just wasn't satisfied with the levels of stupid that it had plumbed. It had to go into GUARDIAN ANGEL territory.
And now for some carnage
So the aliens are trying to get out of the church, but their teleporter thingie only has enough uranium rods to destroy the Washington Monument so they do that instead of teleporting themselves to safety. You know, to show how powerful they are. And Martinez caves and says that they are terrorists and that to save the rest of America he'll send some buses to drive the aliens to the airport and give them a plane.
Meanwhile, Sterling has figured out that Lee is actually an alien and is snooping on the billion calls he's stupidly been exchanging with Sophia during this whole thing - calls in which she tells him that she's bluffing and the teleporter thingie can't do anything. So of course somebody "decrypts" the calls between Lee and Sophia, and then they know about the bluff, and then they start firebombing the buses.
Thomas does the right thing and sacrifices his bus so that the teleporter can grab Sophia's bus (I guess it's charged up enough to grab one bus now). There are a few explosions and Thomas dies and Leila is saved and stares expressionlessly at everything.
Tune in next week when Sophia says the teleporter thingie is going to start using Google ads to raise money for more uranium bars, and Dempsey says he had to torture and kill children to protect Earth from aliens. Hopefully Vicky will drive drunk and murder the right bad guys again. With characters like these, you just want this show to go on and on.