Last night was the season finale of True Blood, so was it a spine-ripping good time? Sorta. There was a lot of good, and a lot of bad. But let's break it down Pro/Con style.
All in all, I left this episode feeling satisfied but not as excited for the next season as I should be. Maybe because the cliffhangers weren't anything we've really been invested in this season. Or perhaps it's because The King of Mississippi is seemingly off the show? Was it a bad True Blood episode? No, it wasn't. But it didn't feel like a season finale. Still, there was still plenty of charred vampire face to go around.
Con: And we're off! Eric and the King are helpless on the ground, exposed to the sun's rays. And then, out of nowhere, Baby Angel Vampire Godric shows up. Oh dear.
Con: Even the King seems to agree with me...
This whole angel vampire baby chanting nonsense phrases like "peace" over two slowly roasting vampires makes absolutely no sense.
Con: Meanwhile, Sookie is trapped in her blood-draining coma...with a chandelier. That must mean something or another. [Edit: Wait it's possibly a UFO? Oh cripes].
Pro: But there's no time, she's up and pissed. After getting basically bleeding close to an inch of her life, yet again on this series, Sooks is no longer taking this shit from these vampire idiots. And with one sharp slap to the face we've got season one Sookie back. Welcome back, Ms. "I don't take shit from anyone waitress." We missed you.
Con: Being the big go-getter that she is, Sookie goes outside, finger blasts the silver handcuffs, the King's face and drags Eric inside. Well, he's at least twice her size. Sookie being able to drag in Eric seems a bit ridiculous, but then again maybe she has super finger blast fairy strength as well. Plus it seems silly to point out all the "that's not possible" problems on a show about meth-head werepanthers. But moving on, Eric needs blood, human blood. And since they have ANY human blood at all in Fangtasia? Not even in the creepy former human prison in the basement, Sookie must be drained, yet again by Eric. I don't know about you guys, but just thinking about all the times Sookie get blood sucked in and out of her body makes me lightheaded.
Pro: Eric has a complete recovery, and immediately starts spouting off about seeing Baby Jesus Vampire Godric. Everyone raises an eyebrow and Eric's ridiculous "shit we got the vampire King outside now how do we get him back in so we can make his final scene even more bizarre because, let's admit it, slowly roasting to death is pretty boring TV" plot device idea. I'm glad we're not the only one that thinks this cooking vampire flesh stinks.
Pro: And speaking of cooking, hey look hoe cakes, made with real bacon grease. Now, I know that bacon grease is important, I'm not saying it's not. But this is the finale fellas, don't we have better things to do than talk about hoe cakes? Unless... is this a metaphor as well? Oh ho ho ho you got me there True Blood. Tara's life is totally a hoe cake.
Con: Sam tells Tara he's a shapeshifter and she totally freaks the shit out. Which I guess makes sense kinda, but what happened to cool as a cucumber Tara from the last episode who was all like "nah I'll just sit here and creepily sip this tequilla, let's fuck." [shudder] I'm so tired of lip quivering sad Tara, why did she have to freak out this way?
Pro: Back to the King, THANK GOD. The Blackened Majesty gets dragged in by Sookie (no) and tied up to the stripper pole. His charred face and hands almost make it impossible to tell who he is, but thankfully that sweet syrupy Dennis Dennis O'Hare voice is still intact.
Pro: The King's fang falls out. But not to be put down he angrily wags his remaining fang at Sookie. Awesome.
Con: But first, it's vampire sleepy time. You know these vampires, specifically Eric, went many, many days this season without sleep. But on the day where they have their vampire who wants to kill them all, and is strong enough to do it, weakened and chained up to their stripper pole, TODAY is the day they prioritize getting 4 to 8 hours of sleep.
Pro: Crazily enough, Sookie agrees. I'm glad she's taking the 4th time these vampires almost killed her to heart. "Crawl back into your holes you creepy cold freaks," that was a pretty good burn my dear.
Pro: Tara wants to reboot. Tara wants to be Tara 2.0.
Pro: Hoyt has a Vampire Intervention, which means, we get to see Summer one last time before the end of the season. Delightful. While we usually relate to dear, sweet Summer, we can't this time. Offering up your "muffin biscuit," we have all been there. But this, staging an actual intervention...nope. Still, more Summer is always good.
Pro: Hoyt's mom calls Jessica a "Red-Headed Dead Girl" which sounds like the name of a band I'd try and start in Junior High. "WE ARE RED-HEADED DEAD GIRL AND WE ARE HERE BECAUSE WE CAN NOT LEGALLY DRIVE YET. 1 2 3 4!"
Pro: Hoyt, doing his best George Clooney "looking up while tilting my head down" stare, wishes Summer well. Of course he does. We melt for you Hoyt, melt. What a gentleman. Plus, he does it in the kindly cruel way of "enough is enough guys."
Con: Let the ridiculous magic moments fly. Sam has blood on his hands, get it? Get it?
Pro: Sookie reads Star, of course she does, but even better is the vampire-themed cover with Russell on the cover, "End of Days Is Here!"
Pro: "Stepping around the fact that your word is worth about as much as tits on a turtle." Sookie is the new Jason of this season as far as one-liners goes this episode.
Pro: We mentioned earlier that you can't see the King of Mississippi's face at all because of his burned corn flake face. But that doesn't mean that Dennis O'Hare won't stop swinging for the fences. What the King does with his voice this episode, it's just marvelous. You don't ever really need to see his face to know his emotion, it's all in his tone and delivery. We've said it before, and we will say it again. EGOT.
Con: The King compares drinking Sookie's blood with tantric sex. I have a terrible feeling this is about as close as we're going to get to sex this episode.
Pro: Sookie takes a turn for the insane and flushes Talbot down the garbage disposal. What? Oh my. That was awesome. Even her silly maniacal laugh and creepy lip smackers grin made us cheer. Great scene, sad to see Talbot's innards go, but still, good moment.
Con: Remember when Jason was engaging? I don't blame the actor, it's the writing. How does one make an inbreding, meth lab, werepanther family boring? But it is! It is awful! Crystal and Jason go to Hot Shot and all I hear is the Charlie Brown adult noise. Mwah mwah mwah, werepanthers mwah mwah muh wah V-juice. Not even the Uncle Daddy Calvin remark or watching said Uncle Daddy get shot in the face can save Jason and Crystal's meth story from crippling boredom.
Con: And just in case you were excited and thought, "It's the end of the season, surely this tired, old, sickly story line will be euthanized," Jason goes and gets crowned King of the Meth Kitty town. What a disaster.
Pro: The Return Of Felix.
Con: Tara spends some time with her Mother who is having an affair with the Reverend. Which means we have to spend more time away from actual interesting vampire story lines. Tara lovingly hugs her Mama and already I'm filled with dread knowing that True Blood is now going to try and convince us that she will be committing suicide at the end of this season. Come on, we know better.
Pro: And now back to Merlotte's, hey Lafayette's dish looks delicious. Is it just me, or are we spending an exorbitant amount of time in this episode on food? No real complaints here, it's just making me hungry.
Pro: Rene appears yet again, thank you True Blood. I don't actually care about Arlene's baby, but if that means a little Rene action here and there, so be it.
Pro: Finally, back to Fangtasia, where actual things are happening. There is so much good in this scene. Let's watch first, then discuss.
Pro: Peanut Butter and Butter sandwich Ginger, really? Put some bananas on it and you've got yourself a deal. Also, how adorable is Ginger drying Talbot's crystal urn. Aw.
Pro: Alcide is back. Maybe, just maybe, that means we'll get to see him have sex. *Checks the clock* there's still time. We've seen everyone humping in this series, even people we don't care to. It is criminal that we haven't seen Alcide make with the hump-hump dance with someone or something.
Con: Sookie thinks Alcide "knew" to come for her. Ha! He is not a vampire, you twit. Sorry, I know I like her this episode but I mean, show some respect — Alcide is here and he may or may not take off his shirt if we play our cards right.
Pro: Alcide then sits at the bar and has a casual flirty beer with Sookie saying that he's a good guy and it's all he knows. And suddenly our numero uno lanky love Hoyt has some serious competition. I have to give True Blood credit this year for little moments like this. The sex talk and flirtations are usually pretty ham-fisted. But this year, Alcide and Hoyt have brought a sense of flirtation reality to Bon Temps, and I thank them, and the writers, for that. Of course, that doesn't hamper my desire to ride the white wolf Alcide around in a cowgirl outfit. Because I'm superficial.
Con: My only con with that moment is the casual mention of Debbie Pelt. She was a great character in this season and totally deserved a moment in the finale, way more so than Tara's mom.
Pro: Eric is right, Bill and Alcide were "eye-fucking" the hell out of each other.
Con: Bill grabs a latex glove that in NO WAY will have importance later.
Con: Sigh, back to the police station. Jason ruined everything. And somebody really needs to get the DEA guy his Luckies.
Con: How sad is it that the back and forth between Andy in Jason is so unbearably boring? These were my top two characters last year.
Con: Lafayette calls his boyfriend into Merlotte's because he's freaking out and seeing things. Jesus tells him he's a witch. Yeah. Did we not already know this? Didn't Lafayette know this? I mean they went on a magical journey into his past where all of Jesus' family members were magical people. How is this news?
Con: Tara stands in front of the mirror, YET AGAIN, has a very-important-for-metaphorical-reasons-haircut.
Con: Eric made Alcide drive all the way to Bon Temps SO THEY COULD BORROW HIS TRUCK? Do they not have zip car, or a friend in Louisiana with a truck? Sheesh, I guess they had to get Alcide in there some way or another. Sadly it wasn't for humping because our man wolf man drives off. Also why hasn't anyone transformed into anything, this is the freaking finale! Roll out werewolves, shapeshifters, and werepanthers.
Pro: I have to give Eric credit that his idea for the King's punishment is seemingly clever. Although I'm not sure what Baby Jesus Godric would think.
Con: Oh wait, there he is. He disapproves.
Con: Bill tells the King that "he's as mad as a fucking hatter." Bill sucks at insults.
Pro: Meanwhile Eric aces it with "You will regret this." "Maybe, but right now it feels fucking good." *Click, cement pour.* Oh snap.
Pro: But wait! Bill dumps cement on Eric and then T-1000 calls one of Eric's assassins and tells him to kill Pam. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, now you're just crazy talking.
Pro: Hoyt bought Jessica a house. A FREAKING HOUSE. We did not think it was possible to be more in love with this man. But it is. Because he bought her a house. Move your giant waxed chest aside Alcide, we're back on team Hoyt. For life this time. Because we're all getting married to Hoyt! I mean they are getting married. Jessica, that is. [EDIT: He rented her a house, but in my mind... he bought it].
Con: Spooky doll is not at all important. This show loves to smack you in the face with obvious clues that supposedly mean something. Whether this very sad-looking doll means that Summer is watching them from the other side of a dingy window, or that there will never be children in this house because Jessica is a vampire, who knows? Who cares, Jessica and Hoyt are back together.
Con: If Hoyt's mom kills Jessica, I will kill Hoyt's mom. This I swear.
Pro: Also, look who wants to sell you a rifle! Thanks for the tip commenters!
Pro: Bill vampire-flies over to Sookie's, who is crying in a new cute little dress, and in his best Southern "this is serious vampire business" voice says, "We must taaaawk." I will miss your fancy-pants talking sessions, Bill.
Pro: Bill delivers his "I have never loved" speech and starts looking very sexy again, in our eyes, and then BOOM Eric shows up in a cement-covered track suit and out-sexys Bill all over that damn mud house. Also another Pro for slipping one more track suit into this season. You make it look effortless Eric!
Pro: Sookie breaks up with Bill, huzzah! A change could do you good True Blood.
Con: Sookie breaks up with Bill while he's being Dorothy-Galed out of her house.
Con: Bill doesn't give Eric his phone back, dick.
Con: Sam caches up to Tommy and shoots him after Lil' Mickens tells Sam he can't read. Not cool Sam, I thought we were turning over a new leaf after the world's worst drunken rampage last episode?
Con: The fact that Tommy's big reveal is that he "CAN'T FUCKING READ." Lord have mercy and flip over this giant stereotype character, he's starting to burn on one side.
Pro: That being said, Tommy acted the pants out of this terribly cliché dialogue. I really stopped liking Tommy these last few episodes, this moment changed it around for me.
Pro: Tara drives away from Bon Temps, hopefully forever? A girl can dream.
Pro: And for the record, I like her haircut, just not how she went about dramatically getting it. On a show that prides itself for doing TV that we've never seen before, this was so crushingly cliché.
Pro: Bill finds time to put on his "cool guy" leather jacket before fighting the Queen.
Con: The Queen shows up and is exhausting, as per usual, then Vampire Matrix fighting? No thanks.
Con: Sookie runs out of her house like this...
Con: More light and then the 90s Raver fairy jerks pop up again.
Pro: Anyone else notice the fairy wings that appeared as Sookie was blasted off somewhere mysterious? Cute touch, a little Tinkerbell, but she is a fairy after all. I guess you gotta do like the fairies do. The next step must be ecstasy tabs and white leather pants for everyone.
So let's talk about the end now that it's all over...
Con:I'm confused how the King doesn't have anyone in the world that he can shiver call to bust him out of the cement, like Eric did with Pam. But maybe he doesn't? Oh well.
Con: No sex.
Con: The cliffhangers aren't really that intense because — if you're like me — you don't give a crap about Fairyland Town, you're not incredibly invested in Sophie-Anne's character (and you know they won't kill off Bill), and you certainly don't ever want to see another werepanther ever again. Yes, it was a lackluster finale. I stand by what I said before — they should have ended this season with the newscast .
Pro: That being said, there were plenty of great moments this year. In fact, I wrote an entire post praising them. So say what you will about the finale, we'll always have spine rips, The King of Mississippi, Franklin, and Talbot. Until next year, we bid you farewell my dear, sweet vampires, werewolves, shape shifters and witches. But not the werepanthers. Screw the Faces of Meth werepanthers.