True Blood ties your vampire ass to the toilet and flushesMeredith Woerner7/12/10 8:42pmFiled to: True Blood RecapTrue BloodVampiresTelevisionTopRecap3091EditPromoteShare to KinjaToggle Conversation toolsGo to permalinkThe insanity of the last episode was pretty difficult to follow. But when you tape a character to a toilet, put Sookie incognito, and then introduce another half-naked girl, you're building yet another classic episode of True Blood.Pro: The were-bear is shirtless again. I say Bear, as in he appeals to a certain taste of menfolk and myself. He doesn't actually turn into a bear, that's ridiculous. He turns into a wolf.AdvertisementCon: Sookie decides to snark at Alcide's living conditions because he hasn't bought new furniture since his breakup. Meanwhile her home is still caked in dirt and raw meat from the all-night black-eyed orgies. Glass, shit-covered houses, Sookie.Pro: Bill calls Sookie and promptly dumps her. Meanwhile Lorena is all but twirling her imaginary evil mustache in the background. These two. Good lord.Pro: "Shut the fuck up!" is a proper reaction.AdvertisementPro:"We fucked like only two vampires can." Wet blanket Bill is at it again making interesting things sound depressingly lame.Pro: Alright the "nut sack" line was stupid. Just stupid. I get what they were trying to do but no. But on the flip side, Sookie's crying was phenomenal. I hate to admit it, but this is exactly how I cry when I'm a mess. "Why does everYTHING BAD ALWAYS HAPPEN TO MEEEE? I DONNAUNDERSTAND WHYISS *gasp* *cough* .....ahep.......ahep." It's a totally shameless, sad pity cry that solicits hugs from shirtless werewolves. This is just more proof that while Sookie sucks as a character most of the time, Anna Paquin is great.Con: Werewolves run hot, in my pants. Or whatever. I'm not a fan of any similarities to Twilight. But it was funny when Sookie weepy-eyed asked him if he was coming down with the flu. I don't think these two have amazing chemistry, but I would still pay $50 to have Alcide come over and just lay on top of me for half an hour. Nothing sexual, just some good, old-fashioned lounging.AdvertisementSponsoredPro: Alcide realizes that it's getting a little too sexual with tear-stained Sookie, so he says he should go put on a shirt. This is the shirt he puts on. Good thinking buddy! Con: Plot twist back to Bon Temps. In case you didn't know, Sam's family is white trash. See look, more White Trash activities like sleeping in their shitty van. Stay tuned for next week when the Mickens family makes moonshine out of the toilet and marries Tommy off to their cousin. True Blood, this has been established.Pro: More crazy Mott.Con: More Tara.Con: Mott makes Tara call Sookie so he can find out where she is, they then reenact the "Woofie" scene from Terminator, only terrible.Con: When Mott finally bites Tara she makes a scream that sounds like a mouse caught in a glue trap.Pro: Meanwhile, Bill mopes on the bed like a grounded teenager.Pro: Lorena saves this exceedingly sulky moment with her pure, unbridled lunacy. Remember last year when she showed up to the Texas party in her best prom only to get rejected and made a fool of by Godric and Bill? Not that she didn't deserve it, but I loved her for that. She looked like a forlorn 16-year-old who'd been dumped by her date, but insanely shows up the big dance anyways foolishly thinking she could win his love back just by being there. Now some time has passed and rejected girl meets the boy in a bar for a pity fuck. While he's throwing up in the bathroom, she's picking out wedding invitations. She's delusional, it's delightful. And this will only end in blood tears Con: Eric's flight path. Look, we know he "can fly" but must we make it so awful? I mean if Eric doesn't look good doing something, maybe it just shouldn't be done, ever. I'm OK with hovering.AdvertisementAdvertisementCon: "Can all vampires fly? Can all humans sing?" That is not an answer. Also, you smell like the ocean in winter and I'm smelling your memories. These are not things that actual people or magical creatures say.Pro: Sookie is looking Good this season, damn girl.Con: Sookie wants to go back to the Rape Wolf Bar, but this time she'll have a disguise.AdvertisementPro: "RING RING Hooker RING RING." Is the new slogan of my life. That or "We fucked, like only two vampires can."Pro: Tara is tied up to a toilet? Of course she is. I'm truly glad everyone on the writing staff thought about this one long and hard. "But what if she has to poop?" "Hmmm great thinking Johnson, we really would have screwed ourselves if we missed that plot hole. So any objections to tying her to the can? No, great. Let's break for lunch."Con: Mott brings Tara some lovely flowers and does she say thank you, no. The Worst this girl. Tara, this is as close to real love as your going to get sweetheart. I say embrace it. Plus he loves persimmons and cherries. Who doesn't? What a fun guy!AdvertisementAdvertisementCon: Meet Janice. More characters, hooray!Con: Aaaand we're back in Merlotte's. While I love the scene of Jason "outsmarting" another jock with his dull, yet biting, wit, this is too much. Please, True Blood, we don't need to know what's happening to every single character all the time. I could go a whole episode without seeing the Mickens. Really I could. All these side stories take away from the actual story and the funny little Jason-isms. When Jason finally blackmailed Andy into giving him a cop job, I didn't even care. And Jason deserves better than that. True Blood just has too many dicks in the water.**Con: No one suspects the slutty black-haired slut get-up. Nothing about this outfit says disguise, or "not for raping." Good thinking Sookie!Con: Bill becomes a narc.AdvertisementPro: Baby Vampire Jessica Waitress. Also you gotta love that her friend was on his way home from picketing the "baby-killing factory."Pro: And now back to the 17th story line in this episode, are you as exhausted as I am? As much as I loved the Eric and Lafayette scene where Eric threatens to kill all of the hick's "brother cousins" then calls Lafayette RuPaul, I'm tired guys. Sure, it deserves a "pro" but come on.AdvertisementCon: There's no Swedish/Vampire language translation for "American Vampire League." If you listen he just says, "Ajajaya Vanyahay Biddaybay American Vampire League Pampay Haeybay." That's a direct translation BTW.Pro: Talbot and I feel the same way about Tara.Con: Pam torture, not OK. If she dies, this show will take a nosedive. Also, how is selling vampire blood not as big of a deal as talking shit on the King or Queen of the region? Argh vampire politics are confusing/boring/mostly boring. Get to the killing of the Queen already please.Pro: Debbie Pelt's 80s whore bangs. Excellent. I'm a big fan of the Pelt, even though this show does not need another character at all. But this is the same actress from Middleman, and we loved her then and we love her now. She's mastered the day-old grease face, bikini top leather jacket ensemble, smeared eye makeup from v-juice craving flop sweat, and is an excellent curser. I quite enjoyed listening to her spit out the words "pussy pack."Con: Bill meets a stripper, in the world's best strip club in Mississippi. I've never been to a strip club in Mississippi, but I'm guessing that even the nicest strip club in Mississippi doesn't have this many, or this many attractive, strippers.AdvertisementPro: Miley Cyrus is that you?Con: The King of Mississippi's "cool guy" sunglasses.Con: The King of Mississippi's cover is "rich antique dealer." Sigh.AdvertisementAdvertisementCon: When the King gets on stage he stops the music with his hands and magically a church choir starts singing, like it's werewolf communion time. So was there some biker in the back whose job it was to skip tracks on the iPod? Or is his magical power the ability to create timely soundtracks?Con: Just once I'd like to meet a stripper on TV that is just a stripper. Not some sort of beacon of wisdom that expounds on the philosophical pitfalls of life while writhing around on Bill's vampire junk.Pro: This is what the 5th "ass angle" this season? You stay classy, True Blood.Con: Anyone else think when Cooter turned into a wolf he was going to have wolf sex with the human Debbie? I was almost surprised that didn't happen. Especially after the ass shot. But now I don't know if I'm dirty for thinking that, or if this is just what I've come to expect from this show. It certainly would have topped last week's twisted vampire head sex? Missed opportunity fellas.AdvertisementPro: And finally, this.Until next week where Tara gets in a wedding dress and runs around while being chased with a wolf. Maybe it will kill her?Advertisement**Much like the reality TV show, The Bachelorette — when it insists on cramming 8 horny shirtless guys in a hot tub with one horny gal — it's confusing, uncomfortable and it feels like you're gang-banging the audience. Thus the phrase "too many dicks in the water" was born.