The Best of Last Night's Conan the Destroyer Commentary Twack

For those of you who didn't endure last night's Conan the Destroyer tweetathon, here's the cream of the phenomenally ridiculous, well-muscled crop.

We all cued up the theatrical cut of the Arnold Schwarzenegger-Wilt Chamberlain-Olivia D'Abo-Grace Jones sequel Conan the Destroyer on Netflix Instant (or on your own DVD) and Tweeted our way through it. Below, you'll find the cream of the hopped-up-on-cough-medicine crop. (For the entire event, bounce over here.)

The Best of Last Night's Conan the Destroyer Commentary Twack


@io9commentary "between the years when Conan the Barbarian made a shit-ton of money and Arnold got too busy to make a good movie..."

@io9commentary I've got a massive weak spot for Conan the Barbarian. A seminal influence, and not just because Sandahl Bergman was hot.

@io9commentary wow. it's like they got the second-best Bonanza stunt choreographer to design this action scene.


@io9commentary "What I want, you cannot give me." Unless it's a better wig and a tunic, I'm not interested.

@io9commentary "Why does the bad man keep punching the animals, papa?" "Because he can't bear to be outsmarted, son."

@io9commentary Ah, yet another kingdom that's never heard of bras. Conan approves. You can tell by the way he wears his furry undies.

@io9commentary Olivia D'Abo was only 15 when they shot Conan the Destroyer. So stop looking at her rack.

@io9commentary What are the odds that Ahnuld slept with Grace Jones? This was back in his "if it breathes, hump it" phase...

@io9commentary What a friggin' pimp, this wizard is. Clark Kent totally stole this look for the Fortress of Solitude.

@KickBoy Because every creepy pedophile wizard needs finger armor.

@io9commentary wow. right there, we saw Conan's mind at work. Look one direction, then another, and finally make the most obvious decision.

The Best of Last Night's Conan the Destroyer Commentary Twack

@io9commentary A buddy said to me, when I told him I was doing Conan the Destroyer, that this is the film that feels the most like a D&D campaign. So true.

@io9commentary the impossible stairs, the crystal palace, the giant black guy, the total lack of sex: just like a night of D&D.

@KickBoy take a shot every time Conan lifts a heavy stone wall or door.

@ErnestSalazar Why does every wizard castle fall apart when you remove the magic crystal? That's just bad structural planning folks.

@ErnestSalazar No joke, my 3 year old stopped what he was doing to stare at Olivia D'Abo's legs.

@io9commentary Here's the part in the story where the novelization has Conan sleeping with Jehnna. The infield fly-rule was in effect.

@io9commentary Seriously, the novelization was a dirty affair, with all these references to Jehnna's "alabaster breasts" and "heaving orbs"

@ErnestSalazar Knowing how my 14 year old self felt about Princess Jehnna is making my 40 year old self feel like a perv.

@io9commentary This might be the oddest, least talented cast ever assembled in the dust. Fucking Grace Jones, man.

@io9commentary "Here we are, on another dungeon crawl. I think we should arm our mystical armor and elemental weap- COOONAAN JJJEEENNKINS!"

@io9commentary That fucking guy had better stop eating all the damned jewels.

The Best of Last Night's Conan the Destroyer Commentary Twack

@ErnestSalazar You know what the movie has that the first one didn't: dialogue. I can't believe having dialogue is a bad thing.

@io9commentary "Hey, everybody! I got my aunt's magic dildo. We can go home now!"

@io9commentary I have, on occasion, pretended to use the Force. I have also pretended to have a wizard-fight with elevator doors. What?

@yerm0m leave to chamberlain to save only the blonde white chick.

@io9commentary "Go...I won't help. I just need this here horse. And some wine. And maybe a little liniment. I'll get those jewels out."

@io9commentary "Your dildo, my Queen."

@io9commentary Good call, @kickboy. This is Jehnna's Sweet Sixteen. Does this mean that Dagoth is her Jake Ryan?

@io9commentary Finally! Basketball player vs. bodybuilder! Which lumbering oaf will prevail?

@ErnestSalazar And here is our big finale: Ahnold, jumping on the back of a rubber costume, pulling out a nose / horn / dildo.

@io9commentary Zula gets to be the captain of the guard, and Malak gets to be the court jester. How fucked up is that?

@io9commentary "Listen, little girl. I'm an expert thief, with tons of heists under my belt and a colon full of jewels. I'm not gonna be your monkey."

@io9commentary And Conan walks off into the sunset, in search of his own kingdom, a pair of pants, and a girl of age.

@GrahamNY Wait for the Nick Fury scene after the credits.