Everyone wants to be Tony Stark (or at least his alternate reality doppelganger, Antonia Stark), but how do you know what Iron Man (or Maiden) you are? Take this handy-dandy quiz and find out!
1.) How would you describe your armor?
(a) Like a rusty bucket.
(b) Like a rusty bucket filled with moldy liverwurst.
(c) How would you describe your layers of psychological armor that prevent the roaring tigress in you from coming over here and mauling me into a petite mort? No, for real, toots. My armor, it's the f—ing tops.
(d) Waterproof. Redundantly waterproof.
(e) The best CGI money can buy.
(f) Latverian green wolfskin.
(g) Airtight and kaiju-proof.
(h) Red, orange, and debonair!
(j) "Police try to get money, and sell my pictures / To the Star Ledger / Inquirin' minds wanna know / How Pretty Tone get robes as soft as snow."
2.) How would you describe your relationship with women?
(a) I mostly hang out with old geniuses and racial stereotypes.
(b) I love women. Every living inch of them. I also have a thing for men.
(c) The way I operate, I'm probably your dad! But hey sugar, you're part European, right? They have different taboos over there. I can roll the DNA dice and even if it comes up snake eyes, I gave you the best damn night of your life.
(d) Well, they're above the surface and I'm down here...why am I down here again?
(e) I do pretty well for myself. I've also watched Shallow Hal more times than the average man should.
(f) That Invisible Woman intrigues me. I wouldn't mind seeing her splayed on my bed.
(g) It's been a dry couple of years.
(h) I've had some good relationships, but two words: Madame Masque.
(i) SMART BOMB!
(j) "Brothers try to pass me, but none could match me / No girl can freak me, I'm just too nasty"
3.) How would you describe your relationship with the bottle?
(a) I can handle my hooch.
(b) Blech! Never touch the stuff.
(c) I'm obviously a raging dipsomaniac, but my brains have been positively pickled by all my years of hard living. I'm preserved in my own decadence, you see. By the way, is that Givenchy? Oh, I like it. I really do. It's just that I could doll you up with a bio-pheromonal olfactory nanoswarm so sweet that it would make your perfume smell like l'eau du musk ox's hindquarters. Come up to my laboratory. Your husband won't mind.
(d) I'm not sure. I can't drink anything with this fishbowl over my head.
(e) There's a demon in that bottle, but Jon Favreau says he won't come out.
(f) Alcohol isn't a problem, although sometimes I dream of exsanguinating my enemies and fermenting their hemoglobin.
(g) There's not much appeal in drinking alone.
(h) I'm a teetotaler nowadays.
(i) REPULSOR BLAST!
(j) "Bottles, biscuits, bitches, blunts, bad boys bodying pit bulls / Karate, black belt and I bring booze / To big bar brawls, ball games blasting, fuck 'til my balls blue."
4.) The Hulk is on the loose! How do you detain him?
(a) I attempt to rationalize with him. If that fails, I mold a girder into giant lawn dart and pin him to the wall.
(b) Remove faceplate, swoop in for the kill.
(c) First, I finish this snifter of 1608 artisanal grappa and perform unprintable acts to the Australian Women's Water Polo Squad. I sleep for a solid week to allow the gravity of my depravity to sink in and/or dream new equations on how to solve the world's boringness problem. FInally, I wake up, invent a laser that will travel throught time to give Bruce Banner's father a vasectomy, and fall asleep on the Shroud of Turin. Yes, I use it as a pillowcase. The Vatican traded it to me - all I had to do was give the Popemobile repulsor lifts.
(d) Is the Hulk underwater? I could do something then. Did you know the Hulk can breathe underwater? Didya know I can breathe underwater too? Y'know, without this suit?
(e) Subdue him with a dazzling array of CGI lasers and the promise of smashing box office records in 88 countries. "You could be the biggest thing in Uzbekistan, old chum!"
(f) Drop a gamma bomb on him; dance on his ashes.
(g) Hulk's not so bad these days - lil' Bruce Banner is keeping him in check.
(h) Shoot him into space today; regret decision tomorrow.
(i) PROTON CANNON!
(j) "You shoot me? I shoot you, best bet's to finish me /cuz if not, if I get the chance, I'm do you / Your shit all off the hood, the clips go buckin' me good / The shells get stuck in the wood, Starks is a veteran."
5.) What's the biggest threat to the planet at the moment?
(b) Me, probably.
(c) I'll tell you the biggest danger to this big blue marble we live on. It's you not hopping in my Concord jet and joining me for dinner in Kathmandu tonight. There's this little hole in the wall place - the chicken bhutua will knock your pants clean off. Why is this a threat to civilization? Because if you say "no," you'll be forced to spend the rest of your life regretting not tasting that little bit of heaven. (Seriously, the marinade they use - it cures cancer). And if you deny yourself heaven, that means you're slumming it in hell. And pretty girls like you, they don't go to hell.
(d) Uh, fish? Salt water taffy? Mildew? Look, if I were the smartest of the Iron Men, I wouldn't be wearing this damn suit.
(e) Carrie Bradshaw and Friar Tuck.
(g) Telepathic children.
(h) Norman Osborn/The Sentry.
(j) "Slick majestic, broke mics are left infected / Germs start to spread through your crew, drew like an epic / You asked for it, shot up the jams like syringes / My technique alone blows doors straight off the hinges / Masked Avenger, I appear to blow your ear like wind."
Now, tally up the letters you received! Whatever letter you received the most of, you're that Iron Man!
(a) You are...First Appearance Iron Man!
You have fuddy-duddy, old-school sensibilities that are mitigated by a sweet moustache. You could be a sommelier at a moderately priced French restaurant with that lip fuzz! Bully on you! You're a dapper genius, but your armor sucks. In your first appearance, you were thwarted by an extremely heavy filing cabinet. Red Dawn is likely your favorite movie, and The McLaughlin Group is your favorite TV show.
(b) You are...Zombie Iron Man!
You're an immortal flying torso who is responsible for consuming of most of the universe's sentient beings. Congratulations! Your luck with woman is absolutely nil. It might have something to do with that whole flying torso/cannibalism thing. On the plus side, you're one of the few Tony Starks who does not having a drinking problem.
(c) You are...Ultimate Tony Stark!
You are Tony Stark to the power of Tony Stark times Tony Stark. You've had so many sexual conquests that your penis has been filed down to a flesh-colored tea wafer. You spend your days drunk, mid-coitus, and saving the world. Simultaneously.
(d) You are...Underwater Iron Man!
You are the most superfluous of Tony Stark's personas. Iron Man used his Hydro-Armor maybe once or twice, and even then, no other writer ever felt particularly compelled to resurrect this cumbersome suit. You have deep existential malaise, as you primarily exist to sell action figures.
(e) You are...Robert Downey Jr. Iron Man!
You are the most marketable Iron Man on the planet! Kudos to that! On the downside, you're afraid your memory might be fading as you can barely recognize Jim Rhodes anymore. Might want to get that checked out.
(f) You are...Earth-42777 Iron Man!
You appeared in Exiles 23-25 after killing, oh, just about every other superhuman on the planet. You're a so-smart-I'm-evil Tony Stark and make no bones about it, as you wear Dr. Doom's hood as a trophy. The Invisible Woman eventually strangles you to death. Dude, you got killed by Jessica Alba.
(g) You are...Earth X Iron Man!
You come from an alternate reality in which you're the last normal human alive. After the entire globe was exposed to the Inhumans' Terrigen Mist, you locked yourself in the Red Ronin mecha to prevent yourself from evolving. In other words, you're spending the rest of your days locked in the robot built to fight Godzilla. Your life is unsexy and terrible.
(h) You are...Modern Iron Man!
You're classic, but not very interesting. You're terribly resentful that the guy from Chaplin stole your thunder...your Tropic Thunder. Yeah, I know that sucked, but I couldn't resist.
(i) You are...Marvel Vs. Capcom Iron Man!
You're an Iron Man of few words, but an Iron Man of many absoludicrous combos! Thank you for making me break my Sega Saturn controller!
(h) You are...Ghostface Killah!
You may not have invented any suits of armor, but you wrote this, which is just as good in my book.