In the Lost episode "Recon," we received the most tantalizing flash-sideways yet - the two sassiest castaways, Miles and Sawyer, are partners in the LAPD. What would their spin-off series look like? Let us imagine...Ghost Voice and Prime Rib.
Even if Lost's flash-sideways haven't been your cup of tea, it's hard to resist the notion of haunted good ol' boy Sawyer and haunting investigator Miles teaming up to fight crime. They're both con artists in Island life and sardonic as the day is long. Watching a cop drama with the two of them would be like Lethal Weapon with two Mel Gibsons. There would only be two options: loose cannon and looser cannon-er. Look at 'em both, totally steeped in the badassitude of justice:
Based on what we've seen in "Recon," here's what we imagine a James'n'Miles boys-in-blue spin-off would look like. And even though Miles never displays his ghost whispering in the flash-sideways, we're just going to assume he can talk to dead people, but he surreptitiously utilizes it for the powers of good. Without further ado, here's the pilot episode of the adventures of James Ford and Miles Chang, a.k.a. Ghost Voice and Prime Rib.
SCENE: A motel parking lot. MILES and JAMES are seated in a LAPD paddywagon with SWAT OFFICERS. JAMES is look debonair - real boffo, like an Acadian longshoreman on the cover of a Harlequin romance novel. MILES looks inexplicably irked as usual, like he has a Sweet Tart lodged in his esophagus.
MILES: Alright, James. The suspect here is a real black widow. She's jumped from husband to husband, pocketing their fortunes after their asses are six feet under.
JAMES: Well, Oreos and Ovaltine, Chang. How'd you piece this case together?
MILES: (looks out the window) Let's just say I've got some sources who like to stay quiet. Real quiet. (CUE GHOSTLY NEW AGE HARPSICHORD). Good thing this lady has an expensive taste for high-priced, cornpone gigolos, otherwise we'd never have an in.
JAMES: I've been meaning to ask you Miles. What sort of long con are working here? How am I supposed to shake down this lady for intel?
MILES: The room's tapped. Here's what you're going to do - you'll go in there, do the deed, and then kick open this suitcase full of unmarked bills after you've done the deed. Say you're ripping off some old cat lady down in San Dimas. Chances are she'll want in. This is the time to wheedle a confession out of her. Hopefully she'll get sloppy and 'fess up to her crypt full of dead hubbies.
JAMES: Yeah, M.C. I'm not really getting the "do the deed" part.
MILES: What? Are you kidding me? Didn't your dad ever teach you about the birds and bees?
(Now JAMES looks like he has the phantom Sweet Tart lodged in his throat.)
JAMES: I know what that means, grey-tips. Just why do I have to do it?
MILES: Hey Boss Hog, if it's safety you're worried about you, won't be caught with your pants down. Well, proverbially, that is. Luke, Denny, Roy, Ray, Big Ray, Little Roy, and I will be here the whole time in case things get dicey.
SWAT OFFICER #1: We're here for you, Detective Ford.
JAMES: Shut up, Little Roy. You didn't answer my question, Miles.
MILES: Look James, sometimes you've got to soften up the suspect before you go in for the kill. You're the softener, I'm the killer. Capiche?
JAMES: You're going to be listening to me having sex the entire time.
MILES: It's for your own safety.
JAMES: Just like the last seven stakeouts.
MILES: Again, it's for your own safety.
JAMES: No, it's not. Big Ray brought Junior Mints.
MILES: Damn it, Big Ray!
(BIG RAY shrugs sheepishly.)
JAMES: Listen here, Miles. I don't play by the book. I rewrote the damn book and it debuted #1 on the NY Times bestsellers list. But something about me a van full of my coworkers listening to me have sex with a stranger for no necessary reason sounds highly unethical and highly illegal. Real cops don't do this.
MILES: And you know what real cops don't do? Complain about their jobs.
JAMES: Give me the damn suitcase, Chang.
MILES: Hey, if you don't pull a botch-job on this one, I'll introduce you to one of my dad's friend's daughters.
JAMES: Which one? You've already introduced me to Naomi, Nikki, Shannon, Ana-Lucia, Juliet, and Ilana. Who's left?
MILES: This chick Libby. I hear she's crazy in bed!
[JAMES walks out, muttering twanged obscenities under his breath.]
BIG RAY: I hope this one's into the freaky stuff like the last two.
MILES: Shut up, Big Ray. Pass me the the Razzles.