We just learned that Kathryn Bigelow passed on the chance to direct the 2012 Spider-Man reboot. What the would The Hurt Locker director's take on Peter Parker have looked like? We're picturing tense bomb-defusing scenes. And surfer slang, brah!
As The L.A. Times reported yesterday, the Best Director-winning Bigelow turned down the new, gritty Spider-Man flick, which was eventually taken up by (500) Days of Summer director Marc Webb.
What would a Bigelow-helmed Spider-Man look like? Well, if we use her past films as a template, it would be a cinematic masterpiece. Dream with us...
Script for SPIDER-MAN: NOBODY RIDES FOR FREE
Directed by KATHRYN BIGELOW
Logan Lerman as PETER PARKER/SPIDER-MAN
Taylor Lautner as MATT "FLASH" THOMPSON
Keanu Reeves as MICHAEL MORBIUS/MORBIUS THE LIVING VAMPIRE
Ralph Fiennes as DOCTOR OTTO OCTAVIUS/DR. SQUID
Jeremy Renner as NITRO, THE LIVING BOMB
Jenette Goldstein as AUNT MAY
Gary Busey as UNCLE BEN
Soundtrack by TANGERINE DREAM
It is December 31, 1999. Peter Parker is the Amazing Spider-Man, a brave but reckless superhero. Parker feels responsible for the death of his Uncle Ben, who died in a bank robbery. Spiderman's devil-may-care attitude has caused a great deal of property damage, leading his best friend Matt "Flash" Thompson - the only person to know Peter's secret - to become an FBI informant. Flash is Midtown High's star quarterback with a NCAA offer to play at Ohio State, but Flash will lose his scholarship if he does not cooperate with FBI Agent Michael Morbius.
Unbeknownst to Flash, Morbius is a centuries-old vampire from the antebellum South. His actually goal is to turn Parker into an unkillable Spider-Vampire who will quash the insurgency in Iraq. Meanwhile, cyberpunk criminal Dr. Otto Octavius (a.k.a. "Dr. Squid") has been killing prostitutes and selling VR snuff discs to high-schoolers. Dr. Squid is an ex-submarine captain who runs his operation from a submersible hidden in the East River.
[PETER and UNCLE BEN are waiting in line at a bank. UNCLE BEN is reading a newspaper.
UNCLE BEN: Hahaha! This Calvin and Hobbes is funny! Peter, it's time for lunch!
PETER: Uncle Ben, it's 10:30
UNCLE BEN: [points out the window] Right around the corner, there is this sandwich shop. Meatball sandwiches. Best I've ever tasted. Go get me two.
[PETER stars to leave, BEN stops him]
NITRO: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I am The Ex-President, there's enough bang in me to blow us all to Jesus.
UNCLE BEN: Back off, war child. [BEN begins slowly dialing 911 on his cell.]
NITRO: Put down the phone! Put down the phone!
[UNCLE BEN ignores him.]
NITRO: Drop the phone!
[NITRO in a rage, uses his superpower to blow up the bank. He escapes. PETER returns, discovers UNCLE BEN's corpse, and begins firing a dead security guard's gun straight in the air.]
NITRO: Right now his frontal lobes are like two runny eggs.
PETER: [angrily] Hey Nitro, his name was Ben Parker!
NITRO: Who cares!
[PETER has revealed that he is Spider-Man to FLASH. PETER has a box of souvenirs from his past battles with villains, including Vulture's wings, Scorpion's stinger, and Rhino's horn.]
PETER: This box is full of stuff that almost killed me.
FLASH: Well, that's just hot shit, Pete. You're a wild man, you know that? How many supervillains have you took down?
PETER: Eight hundred seventy-three, Flash.
FLASH: Eight hundred! And seventy-three. Eight hundred! And seventy-three. That's just hot shit. Eight hundred and seventy-three. And you've only been Spider-Man three weeks!
[PETER holds up Stilt-Man's severed stilts, legs still in them.]
PETER: Counting today, yeah.
FLASH: That's gotta be a record. What's the best way to beat a supervillain?
PETER: The way you don't die, brah.
[The RADIO blares on.]
RADIO: Breaking news! Morbius the Living Vampire has just attacked the Spider-Man Day Parade, which was inexplicably held at night this year! Macy Gray has been transformed into a vampire! I repeat, Macy Gray has been turned into a vampire!
[PETER puts on his mask.]
PETER: Little hand says it's time to rock and roll.
FLASH: Wait, Peter! I am an FBI agent!
PETER: Yeah, I know man. Ain't it wild? That's what makes it so interesting. You can do what you want, and make up your own rules. Why be a servant to the law, when you can be its master?
FLASH: Peter, I'm at my point of breaking! This isn't like the times I used to hurt your feelings and toss you in a locker! We're living in strange days! We're near dark! K-19: The Widowmaker!
[PETER takes off his mask and tosses it to FLASH].
PETER: If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die comfortable.
[SPIDER-MAN swings over to the East River. He confronts MORBIUS THE LIVING VAMPIRE who has a rigged a surfboard with IEDs.]
MORBIUS Hey dude, I, uh, rigged my board with bombs that will turn people into vampires and stuff. You'll never be able to defuse it in time! Bogus!
[MORBIUS bites into a nearby surfer.]
MORBIUS: I hate 'em when they ain't been shaved. Wyld Stallyons!
SPIDER-MAN: What the fuck? Kathryn Bigelow didn't direct Bill and Ted.
MORBIUS: Does anybody actually surf in the East River?
[PETER is on the East River on MORBIUS' surfboard, which is still rigged with vampire bombs. He is surfing towards DR. SQUID'S submarine lair. Suddenly, his Spider-Man mask lands on his board.]
FLASH: [off-screen] Lose something, brah?
[FLASH THOMPSON has boogie-boarded out.]
FLASH: You gotta go down, Pete. You crossed the line and people trusted you and they died.
PETER: Yeah, it went bad. Real bad.
FLASH: You realize every time you suit up, every time we go out, it's life or death. You roll the dice, and you deal with it. You recognize that don't you?
PETER: Yea, yea, I do. But I don't know why. I don't know, Flash. You know why I'm that way?
FLASH: No, I don't.
[FLASH suddenly handcuffs himself to PETER.]
FLASH: I told them you'd go quietly.
[In the background, COAST GUARD boats are closing in. They are coming to arrest the criminal SPIDER-MAN.]
PETER: You know there's no way I can handle The Vault, man.
FLASH: You gotta go down! It's gotta be that way!
PETER: Good for you, Flash. You're going to be a big hero now. But look at it. [motions to DOCTOR SQUID'S submersible] Look at it! It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, man! Let me go out there and let me get one villian, just one villain before you take me in. I mean, come on man, where I am I gonna go? I'm not gonna paddle my way to Wakanda! Come on, compadre. Come on!
[FLASH unshackles PETE.]
FLASH: Vaya con dios, Spider-Hombre.
[PETE begins surfing the bomb-laden board toward Dr. Squid's sub.]
COAST GUARD MEMBER#1: You let him go!
FLASH: No, I didn't.
COAST GUARD MEMBER #2: We'll get him when he comes back in!
FLASH: He's not coming back.
[DOCTOR SQUID'S submersible explodes in a miniature mushroom cloud. FLASH takes out his Ohio State letter of intent and throws it in the water. Cue Ratt's "Nobody Rides For Free."]
[Surfing Spidey photo via floridapfe's Flickr. Apologies to Kathryn Bigelow. Congrats on your Oscars.]